Caught between love for her family and the desire to maintain her dignity, she stands firm against the cultural excuse that excuses tardiness, knowing that this flaw could tarnish not only the wedding day but their entire relationship. Her refusal is not just about time, but about respect, boundaries, and the painful realization that some differences may be too great to overcome.
I am just retired and I was a wedding planner. My son and my future DIL asked me if I would plan their wedding since I have the experience. I did plan my daughter’s wedding.
I told them no and when asked why I told both of them that it is due to my future DIL lateness habit. She claims it is a cultural difference and everyone in her fmaily is late. This is true, they are always 30 minutes or more late and it drives me insane.
I know she would be the person I would met up with often for this.
The wedding would need many met ups and I am not willing to sit around waiting for her or my son. Not to mention all the business appointments that I do not want to be embarrassed at when she is late.
I have talked to her about the lateness before and nothing has changed, she was literally late for my birthday dinner about a month ago. I have also talked to my son and he sides with her.
I am not willing to tell her an earlier time since she is an adult and overall her lateness is disrespectful to me and my time
I explained the reasoning above and they were pissed. My son was upset since I won’t giver her a chance and I did plan his sisters. My DILs is pissed since i told her she is the reason I won’t.
Personally she has proven over and over again she won’t be on time so I don’t even want to try with this.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is refusing to use their professional skills to plan their son’s wedding, citing a deep-seated frustration with the future daughter-in-law’s consistent tardiness. This refusal has caused significant anger, as the OP feels justified in protecting their time and professional standards, while the couple views this as an unfair rejection and lack of support.
Should the OP prioritize their personal boundaries regarding punctuality, even if it means declining a significant role in their child’s wedding, or was declining the task based on a habit, rather than a concrete threat to the wedding execution, an unfair slight to the couple’s request?
Here’s how people reacted:
They are asking you to do a favor. This is a favor that encompasses YOUR profession. Obviously if they got a wedding planner they would have to pay for it. The disrespect from your future DIL has been consistent and you have informed them about it. Their decision is not to try and improve THEIR behavior, but shame you into accepting her boorish and inconsiderate behavior on you. It’s not like you could place a penalty fee on her for being late…. You know they would not pay it. They want you as a free punching bag and DON”T care. Yes this sucks, but this SUCK would not compare to the issues you right bring up that inevitably would occur.
What if you made a deal with them? You will help plan under certain conditions, one of which is being on time to meetings. (There might be other conditions, like certain deadlines that must be met.) Three times more than 15 minutes late (or whatever your limit) and you will let them find another planner.
I’d use a contract like you would for paying clients. Tell them it’s to help everyone stay on track.
Also INFO: how did you handle it with clients who showed up late (if you experienced that)?
I have two suggestions if you really want to be petty and drive home the point about punctuality:
A. Agree to do it for them, as long as they’re punctual. If they’re late once, issue a warning. If they’re late twice, quit.
B. Agree to do it, but write a contract that includes a stiff “you kept me waiting fee.” Charge in 5 minute increments. Cancel anything they’re more than 30 minutes late for and then tell them they must rebook any missed appointments themselves. You won’t be nearly as aggravated if they’re paying you to sit there, waiting.
There isn’t really a good way to ~trial run~ planning a wedding.
She might manage to be on time at first, but if this has been her habit for years, she isn’t going to change.
Then when she slides back into her normal pattern, you’re stressed, your vendors are annoyed, and if you quit you’ll get ~you’re ruining our wedding~.
It’s better to have them annoyed for a while until they find the right planner than to go through months of stress & hassle that could lead to long term issues in the relationship.
They can hire a wedding planner, who may or may not put up with that lateness.
You could say no for any reason, actually. It’s their wedding, they asked you a favor, and you declined.
You could offer to do so and let her know the first time she is late, you walk and she’s on her own. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to even do that, considering her behavior in the past. But maybe a one-time chance would be enough to convince her that her behavior needs to change?
Habitual lateness is pretty rude on a whole and unless they want to hand the wedding completely off to you with 0 input, they will need to be involved and have respect for your time. Nothing up until this point has given you the indication that she’ll be on time.
Of course, you could agree, tell them a time, and actually plan to show up 45 minutes later so you’re not the one stuck waiting around. Since it’s no big deal to them it shouldn’t bother them.
She is responsible on her own way to do it and its not on you to bear this.