Yet, in the intimate moment of discussing a car purchase with his girlfriend, the weight of his reality pressed heavily on him. The prospect of taking on a loan clashed with his deep-seated caution, revealing the raw tension between hope and fear, love and responsibility. It was more than just a car—it was a crossroads where dreams risked collision with harsh financial truths, laying bare the emotional struggle beneath the surface of everyday choices.
Several days ago we invited a friend and his girlfriend over for dinner. Before we start, some background about my friend: I’ve known him for almost 15 years, he never had a lot of money, but he never let that get in the way.
He worked hard, saved hard, and bought things if he decided he really wanted them, but was not a spendthrift. He paid his way through university without taking any loans, working his ass off in two jobs while full time studying.
He recently opened a startup of his own which has great potential and has started getting nibbles and several customers, but is far from being a success, or even profitable, yet.
On to the story – they were talking about how they were looking to buy a car (his first), because now that they lived together, she felt that they could split the cost of a car because they were saving money on rent.
I could tell my friend wasn’t too hot on the expense, because all his money was in the startup and he’d need to take out a loan to get a car, in addition to the loans he had already taken out to get his business up and running.
When we were talking about it, his girlfriend kept saying things about how “At 33 years old I shouldn’t have to take the bus anymore”, and “Taking public transportation is for losers”.
As someone who bought my first car (used) at 31 because my family was growing, I’ll admit I took some offense to that. I’ve used public transportation for years (and still do) and never considered it “beneath me”.
The real kicker came when she started talking about getting a brand-new car, straight from the dealership. Wouldn’t even consider getting something a coupla years old. Here’s where I may have overstepped my bounds, and told her that her entire attitude is spoiled, and that if she really cared about my friend, she’d realize that he doesn’t have the ability to spend that much money, and she should look at something cheaper if she wouldn’t deign to ride the bus with the rest of the common folk.
After a minute or so of awkwardness, the conversation switched to other topics and the subject of the car was dropped. After they left, my wife said I shouldn’t have called her spoiled to her face and I almost ruined dinner for everyone.
My friend told me, though, that she dropped the idea of the brand new car and they’re looking at the user car lots.
So, AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) became frustrated by a friend’s girlfriend making demanding and seemingly inconsiderate statements about purchasing an expensive new car while the friend was financially strained due to his startup. The OP reacted strongly by directly calling the girlfriend spoiled, creating immediate tension at the dinner.
Given the OP’s direct verbal confrontation versus the girlfriend’s materialistic demands, the central question remains whether confronting someone with harsh personal criticism is justifiable when defending a friend’s financial stability, or if this action unfairly escalated a private financial disagreement into a public personal attack?
Here’s how people reacted:
You shouldn’t butt into your friend’s finances. It’s your buddy’s place to stick up for himself here, not yours. They’re making a dumb financial decision — it’s dumb, but it’s not so egregious that it requires a friend to step in. At most, you could talk to him on the side and express some concern about how such an expensive car might impact his business plans.
And honestly, assuming you’re in the US, almost everywhere you can live is a pain in the ass with public transportation as your *only* form of transportation. I don’t think she put down public transit riders, especially since she currently is one, but she is just thinking “jeez, at 33 I thought I’d have my finances together enough to have a car by now.” That’s a valid thought in most of the US. Not having a car is a detriment. I wish it were different, but it’s not.
I think you incorrectly took offense at her statements and retaliated with an unquestionable insult by calling her spoiled.
She does sound spoiled (from your version of the story), but unless she or your friend invited your comment, it’s not your place to give an opinion on her character. If she brought up that public transportation is for losers and she doesn’t want a second-hand car, then you can definitely give your opinion on the bad financial choices she’s planning on making, but that’s a far cry from point-blank insulting her. Jesus.
I don’t understand how so many people are judging not the asshole after you literally called someone spoiled in front of her friends. Is there any possible situation where that’s not an asshole-ish thing to do?
edit: and you probably made everyone at dinner really uncomfortable. So you’re an asshole for that too.
The way you’ve described it here, the words used were very accusatory and you truly stepped out of bounds, I’d say, by making those comments. If this situation was happening between you and your wife alone, fine, say what you want. But you needlessly inserted yourself into your friend’s relationship and you probably embarrassed the girlfriend AND your friend in front of everyone at dinner. Not cool and also not your business.
There are ways to bring up buying a used car in a way that doesn’t call someone names or put everyone in an awkward position. You had good intentions, just went about it poorly.
You can also talk to your friend to the side and build up his confidence to force the issue himself… it’s HIS life after all.
Honestly, I think you should apologize for how you said it.
Edit: I changed it to a YTA after thinking about it. She really did nothing wrong. Being uninformed and a bit excited or ambitious doesn’t make her an asshole at all. She just needs to come back down to earth a tad.
Your friend is a big boy with his own apartment, his own gf, and his own mouth who can fight his own battles. I think you got hurt about her (admittedly snotty) comment about public transportation and decided to pop off at the mouth with a personal attack on her as a person, which makes you the asshole.
It’s not your place to tell your friend’s girlfriend that your friend is uncomfortable about buying a car. If he is uncomfortable, it’s up to him to tell her that. His finances are for him to screw up or succeed at. If he asks for your help, go ahead and help and give all the advice and opinions you want.
But of course, she’s being a total asshole about public transportation, which is literally a way of life in many American cities. You were totally not in the wrong for calling her a spoiled princess there.
As The Dude says, “you’re not wrong Walter, you’re just an asshole”
Assuming you don’t live in like manhattan…
Say what you will, it’s not unreasonable or spoiled to want a car at age 33 (!!) and everyone is a college graduate. A lot of people are married and have kids by that age lol she just wants to not take the bus, seems like she’s not asking for that much
If it’s more than the car please add more info. But that alone doesn’t warrant a tear down
“if she really cared about my friend, she’d realize that he doesn’t have the ability to spend that much money” – your friend didn’t really ask you to say this and this sounds a bit like talking over his had about how he does or doesn’t have money while he is sitting right there.
NTA.
I don’t disagree that she needed a reality check, but the way you went about it makes you TA. You basically attacked your friends girlfriend in the middle of a night out. Maybe she needed a reality check, but there were way better ways to go about it.
Edit: Curious, has she ever owned a car? Sounds like she is calling other people losers without having actually fulfilled that goal in life on her own as well? Just ironic to me if that is the case.
sorry, I agree with you completely. However, I don’t think calling her out in the middle of dinner was the right place. Maybe talk to your friend separately. You are right though she is being an asshole, just pick your battles.
You were pretty blunt and rude but I don’t think you were an asshole. She was being a total princess, insulting you by proxy, and you helped your friend out by being honest with her.