When her Aunt, once distant and absent in the darkest days, demands a part of her son’s remains for herself, the mother faces a heart-wrenching clash between memory and belonging. Bound by love and loss, she stands firm, guarding the fragments of her child that remain, unwilling to share the precious pieces that keep him close to her forever.
My son died at age 4. On the first mothers day after he died my husband got me a necklace with some of his ashes in. I wear it every single day.
My Aunt is not someone I see often. She got on with my son but only really saw him a handful of times a year. She came a few times to see him when he was sick but not often. When we were told he didn’t have long left I asked if she wanted to come and say goodbye and she said she was too busy with work.
I figured she was in denial, maybe. I certainly was. She then missed his funeral to go to a concert.
Her husband messaged me yesterday asking if he would be able to get some of our sons ashes so she can have some jewellery made. Apparently she asked him for one for her birthday as she really misses our son and wants to feel close to him.
I said no because I want him to stay with us. All of him. Then my Aunt called me yesterday afternoon and said I was being selfish, he was her family too.
I still said no. She said she acted the way she did when he died because she was struggling with it, and was in denial. But so was I. But it’s been 3 years and she’s hardly come to see any of us.
She’s not even met our newest baby yet who is 4 months old.
So tell me, as my Aunt seems to think I am, am I being the asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is navigating a deeply painful situation following the loss of her young son, centering the conflict around the physical remains of the child. Her core emotional position is to maintain complete possession of the ashes, symbolized by the necklace she wears daily, as a necessary measure for her continued grieving process. This directly clashes with her aunt’s expectation of sharing the ashes as a means of connection, an expectation made more complicated by the aunt’s past failure to visit the child when he was ill or attend his funeral.
Given the OP’s profound commitment to keeping all of her son’s remains with her versus the aunt’s perception that she has a right to a portion because she too lost family, the central question remains: Does the immediate parent have the sole, non-negotiable right to determine the disposition of a deceased child’s remains, even when close relatives feel entitled to a token of remembrance due to their own emotional investment?
Here’s how people reacted:
If it matters, I’m a funeral director and the fact that she’d throw a stink over this pisses me off. He’s YOUR son. Mom and dad get to keep him with them and decide who can have any of his cremated remains (if any) and people should be gracious when they are declined. And this is how I feel before I take her atrocious behaviour into consideration.
Auntie can go pound salt.
She’s always posting about him on Facebook too. Wouldn’t surprise me if she wants it for attention, I think she posts on Facebook about him for that reason.
I’m so sorry you lost your little one, and sorry you have to deal with this on top of it.
If she is that estranged from your daily life I cant imagine she wants some ashes for true closure purposes, she sounds more like the type of woman who wants them to stroke her own ego as a sympathetic conversation piece.
but, that said – doesn’t sound like you are going to miss out on too much when she removes herself from your family, so count that as a nice bonus.
You have every right to make the choice of what to do, or not do, with your son’s ashes.
INFO just to be totally clear I’m getting this right: Was she aware of the funeral?
they’re *your son’s ashes*. why in the world would anyone think they’re owed some of them? this woman is delusional.