The situation worsened when the daughter’s father successfully petitioned to move out of state, taking her, though the judge mandated he pay for all visitation costs back to the OP’s home. During these visits, the daughter’s theft became more overt, culminating in her taking parts of the OP’s 15-year-old son’s Nintendo Switch, leading the OP to state he would not let his children deal with this behavior, even as his wife agreed to let the daughter move in permanently for the summer.
My wife and I (both 30s) are parents to five kids between us. I have two kids (15 and 13) with my late wife and my wife has three a 16 year old daughter with her ex-boyfriend and two more kids (10 and 7) with her late husband.
We’ve been married for four years and we were together for two years prior.
When we met she shared custody of her oldest daughter with her ex and after we had been married a little while some problems started to be brought to the surface. Family members suspected she was stealing from them while there and talked about her having an attitude.
Then I noticed money was missing a couple of times and we never had proof of who it was. But my wife’s ex would mention something new their daughter had bought because she was such a good saver which was not what we had experienced at all.
She was someone who spent what she got the second she got it unless someone put a stop to it. And her dad was never someone who would do this. He was always the opposite from what I can tell.
Then she started being more blatant about disrespect and stealing and a little over a year after we were married her dad petitioned the courts to move out of state for work and take her with him.
My wife fought against it but her oldest wanted to go and the judge weighed that in their decision and allowed her ex to take their daughter but ordered he be responsible for paying for every visit to us.
It was during her visits that she got worse about stealing. She’d wait until she was leaving and took things that were small enough that wouldn’t be missed immediately. One included my 15 year old’s Nintendo Switch or at least some parts off the Switch that she had mentioned were broken on her own Switch at her dad’s house.
But other things were missing after she’d leave too. My wife replaced the stuff her oldest but after the Switch, which wasn’t too long ago, I told my wife we needed to figure something out because I didn’t want my kids dealing with that and that I had a duty to think of them first.
While we were talking it out her daughter asked if she could come live with us for good during her summer visit.
My ex immediately said yes and she was excited. I was not. She said we could nip it in the bud now. Other family said it wouldn’t be that easy because there were suspicions since she was 7 and she was getting worse.
I agreed with them but I told my wife I understood she had a duty to her daughter like I had my kids. She said it wouldn’t be so bad and we’d figure it out. I told her I didn’t believe that to be possible and I said I would move out with my kids.
She asked me to at least talk to my kids first and see if they’d mind. But we both knew their stance already. My son said after the Switch that he didn’t want to have to see her again.
My wife told me we needed to work this out because her younger two couldn’t lose me. I said I felt awful about that but I wasn’t going to make my kids live with her older daughter.
My wife said I had the same duty to all five and if I have such a problem with her daughter’s behavior I should stay and help fix it instead of running.
I told her I was not willing to lose my kids over her oldest and that I would stay in the lives of the younger two if that’s what they wanted and she would allow but it was clear we could not make this work.
My kids were so relieved when we moved out so I knew I made the right choice. They admitted they expected her to steal all kinds of stuff from them if we stayed.
I filed for divorce a couple of weeks after the kids and I moved out. My wife has tried, and failed, to get me back. Her oldest lives there now and she said we never really tried to work something out.
I told her there was nothing to work out when I was clear about what I would not do. She told me the youngest two are the biggest sufferers because both dads chose to leave them and how was she supposed to explain to them that their second dad put his bio kids before them.
She has tried to convince me several times over that I should call off the divorce and make a go of being a family again. But I refuse.
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the OP prioritizing the safety and well-being of his biological children against his wife’s expectation that he remain committed to the blended family unit, especially regarding her oldest daughter’s proven pattern of theft and disrespect.
The OP ultimately separated with his children because he refused to subject them to further theft, while his wife argues he abandoned the two younger children by leaving. Does the OP’s decision to file for divorce to protect his own children from the stepdaughter’s behavior make him wrong in this situation?
Here’s how people reacted:
Now if the stepchild is violent or an overly sexual predator…then by all means protect the little kids from destruction.
I think divorce is a terrible idea. Why would you divorce the person you love? Over someone stealing?
Blended families don’t always work. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there are just too many rivers to cross. This is one of those situations. Your light in the darkness must be the best interests of your own children. It is to them that your loyalty first and foremost is owed.
This is hard for everybody involved. If you can somehow stay in the lives of ALL THREE of your stepchildren, that would be wonderful. It might not be possible, just given that your biological children have only one living parent. I wish all of you all the best.
I realize that she’s obligated to take care of her oldest if dad refuses to do it anymore (which doesn’t sound like the case), but she still should have made some rules with him about x amount of therapy and saaaay minimum 6 months of no items “going missing” *for the last 9 years* before agreeing to this without your input or the input of the other 4 kids.
Your wife doesn’t get to sign other people up to have their stuff stolen and their home made into an unsafe place because she wants to justify her crappy parenting.
Your kids are happy because they feel safe. It is impossible to fully relax when your money/belongings are disappearing (I’ve been there), you’re always waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Well done being a protective parent. It’s truly unfortunate that your wife let this happen.
(Oh,and if that girl goes to college she’ll get kicked out of any dorms/co-ops/shared apartments and then fired from any job where she steals. Your wife has done her exactly zero favors.)
OP was very clear, and correctly so, that he would protect his kids. The wife has let all the kids down including the eldest by not addressing her behaviour as soon as they realised she was stealing.
Instead of guilting OP about “abandoning” her younger kids, her concern should be how she is going explain that she drove off a caring father figure by not disciplining the thief.
It’s funny how you have an obligation to all 5 kids but she doesn’t have that obligation.
She was fine with letting the younger kids suffer to accommodate the oldest.
It’s up to her to protect the children. Not only her own kids but all kids. She’s failing and is now trying to guilt trip you because she can’t deal with her daughter’s behaviour herself.
The girl will take over the house, probably by guilt tripping and manipulate her mom (your ex).
You did very well in getting your children (and yourself) away from this.
I assume living separately but remaining married was considered?
The problem with your wife is that she said yes before discussing it with you, despite knowing there was a problem. It also sounds like she had no consequences for her daughter’s stealing, or strategies in mind to stop her impacting the other children. Fine if she wants to help her daughter, but it’s not reasonable for her to expect you to sacrifice the peace in your home, and your children’s home, if she’s not even managing the fall out.
You have no idea what the father was doing and with mom only getting her part time it’s very possible that the stability means she will be able to deal with daughter now that she has daughter full time.
With her staying in the house the stealing also will be reduced because any stolen item stays in the house.
So tbh, YTA if you loved your wife for going all the way to divorce before actually trying this.
I’s curious, you said in the first paragraph that her two younger kids were from her “late husband” and in the last paragraph, she actually said that “both dads chose to leave them.” So did their dad die? Is she actually telling her kids that he died on purpose and left them? Because that would be a horrible thing to tell kids.
It’s been brought up since she was 7, so there’s been plenty of time to put a stop to it.
But it might be that she wasn’t stealing directly from *her* as all your examples are from other people and your kids.
And yeah, you are going to put your bio kids first. You are their only parent. She is putting her and her daughters wishes and wants over what at least half the people in the house want. It’s hypocritical of her to think you wouldn’t do the same.
I see where you’re coming from but from your story it doesn’t look like you or the wife had the opportunity to show/punishment the older daughter for stealing. If she wanted to stay you could have easily argued that you’ll know daughter stole last time she was here and that she’ll need to return what she stole and they’ll be some form of punishment when she first arrives.
It’ll help set the tone for everyone about what’s acceptable and what’s not.
I am betting her children are now the ones being stolen from. I hope your children now feel safe in their new home.
Nta
Your ex should’ve dealt with it anytime during the past 9 years. But seems like she’s allowing it for some reason.
NTA.
Mom allowing her to steal things, is dysfunctional. You don’t need to let your kids deal with their ways.
But she put her oldest child before her two younger ones. Maybe she should start by explaining this.
You did the right thing by standing by your children.
NTA
She’s a teenager, bro. Their *entire job* in life is to make stupid fucking decisions. Not saying it’s easy, but you definitely took the coward’s way out.
you had a wife issue, not just theft! NTA
Take care of your children they are lucky to have you !
But you Sir are an A* parent for hearing them and protecting them. Good work!
Just block her and tell her to talk to your lawyer.
I’ve tried nothing to stop the theiving and I’m all out of ideas
But in all this has anyone ever asked the daughter why she’s doing this?
No to the situation.