But beneath the digital battles and quests, a deeper struggle brewed. Her husband’s fierce frustration erupted like a storm, shattering the calm she clung to. Where she saw persistence and hope, he saw failure and fury, and in that clash of wills, the fragile harmony of their partnership trembled. In those moments, the game was more than a game—it was a mirror reflecting the raw edges of love, patience, and the challenge of truly understanding one another.
We have been married for 12 years, together for 15. Up until the events of the last year, I was not really big into video games or gaming, but with being locked up in the house and not being able to really do things that we normally did together, my husband got me into online gaming with him.
Normally my husband is a very quiet and reserved person, but when he games, it’s like a switch flips and he just becomes a different person. My character is a low level, so he does runs with me on a different low level character he has so we can play together.
Last night we did a dungeon with a group of people who were new to our guild or just made new characters, also low level like me. The healer was not good as he is still learning, and my husband lost his mind because we kept dying.
Slamming his fists on his desk, yelling in discord the works. It was really annoying to me. I am the type who when we die, says keep going until we get it, he is the type who gets enraged and yells.
We have had multiple conversations about this, I have told him repeatedly that his attitude/behavior ruins the game for everyone, but he just says if people didn’t suck he wouldn’t get so mad.
Last night, I absolutely had it with his yelling and cursing. I play these games to relax and have a good time, and I find it irritating that we cannot have a single session without him acting like this.
So I mentioned it to one of my online friends (who is also in our guild) and they agreed that my husband’s behavior was problematic. Our GM messaged him and told him that he was getting complaints about him and basically said that he was on thin ice, and if he kept it up he would be kicked out.
My husband basically told him that he didn’t care and quit, and then demanded that I do the same.
I told my husband that I was not going to quit, that his attitude and behavior are the reason people, including me, do not want to play with him, and that if he wants to continue this hobby together as a couple, he either needs to get therapy for his anger issues, or we need to find a new game to play that will be less rage inducing for him.
He called me a traitor and is now saying that he doesn’t want to play games with me anymore.
Conclusion
The original poster is facing a significant conflict between maintaining their enjoyment of a shared hobby and the aggressive behavior exhibited by their husband during gaming sessions. While the OP attempted to address the husband’s anger through repeated conversations, the husband reacted defensively and escalated the situation by quitting the guild and demanding the OP follow suit, labeling her a “traitor” for prioritizing her peace and the opinions of their online community over his demand.
Was the original poster justified in refusing to quit the game to support her husband’s ultimatum, or should she have sacrificed her own enjoyment to maintain harmony with his demands? This scenario forces a decision between respecting personal boundaries and maintaining a shared activity in the face of unmanaged anger.
Here’s how people reacted:
Please remember that reddit is not marriage counseling.
Trust and loyalty are important in marriage. Trust can mean knowing that you have each other’s back, and loyalty can mean you know you’ll have each other’s backs no matter what. The confidence that no matter what happens in the world you will have someone by your side is very important in marriage and intimate relationships in general. Trusting that your significant other will never humiliate, embarrass, or denigrate you is also important as it allows you to be yourselves around each other in ways you aren’t with anyone else in the world.
Now are you the ass? Probably not for not quitting. NTA. However this particular situation is definitely more complicated than that. You seem to have gone behind your husband’s back and messaged some other people from a community that he’s probably been in for a very long time with the intent to cause harm or punish your husband without him knowing it came came you. Plus you embarrassed and probably humiliated him in front of long time friends (which even with reason is a huge no-go in marriage). The end result is essentially he’s been removed from this community that he invited you to. Your husband’s behavior is certainly fucked up, and it’s abnormal, but there are a lot of people like this. I only bring that up because it’s your guild masters very common job to deal with people like your husband and let them know it’s not acceptable.
You also need to note that the people online do not hear him yelling at himself or hitting his keyboard and things. Your experience is different from the rest and might be seeing/hearing much worse than the rest. Like you said if your husband is different while gaming then maybe this is his emotional and physical release and while it’s unhealthy its a good sign if he’s doing it knowing the others can’t hear and see it. Sure yelling at new people isn’t good at all but was he yelling at them or yelling instructions? if the guild is used to operating like that and wants to and everyone comes in knowing that then who are you to say otherwise? It’s not abnormal to be shouting during dungeons or whatever you’re doing. When you have 12 people on discord everyone is shouting to provide information to the shot caller or leader who then shouts back instructions to be heard. I mean not every group does it like that but it’s a very popular system gaming groups.
I think that your husband invited you into a gaming community of his to share it with you, and whatever reasons aside that has backfired spectacularly and he probably has lost a community that he was part of for a very long time and lost a lot of close friends. I think that this result is extremely unfortunate and the way you went around behind your husband’s back in my mind is certainly also bad behavior and it makes one wonder if you have communication issues outside of gaming.
You did betray him, and you didn’t have his back. Yes he acted a certain way and didn’t respond well when you asked him about it and tried to talk, however that doesn’t change what you did in response and in my mind you really messed up. However you aren’t an ass for not quitting after he did, as imo he shouldn’t have quit and started using push to talk.
By the way, I recommend telling him you went behind his back asap. He’ll find out one day from someone else otherwise.
Also note that playing low level characters means he really cared about nothing other than playing with you, his wife. I doubt he would do that for anyone else.
With that said, I will offer some additional advice. A more fruitful line of thinking (rather than bringing it up to people who are not in a position to really make a meaningful difference to his behaviour), would be to have an open and frank conversation about where his anger is coming from. It seems to pour out during online games, based on your experiences. But that in itself is quite telling. Anger over gaming tends to be related to a person’s self perception, and their seeking of personal validation from gaming. Taking a moment while you are both not gaming to ask your husband why a game can get him so frustrated to the degree that it does, in an open and non judgemental manner is going to be key to actually resolving the issue at the heart of this problem.
I guess, if I’m being completely honest, what bothers me about this post is that asking “who the asshole is” misframes the issue completely. You’re taking the approach of seeking either validation or fault in one of the two parties involved, rather than seeking to understand why your husband (the man you’ve been in a relationship with for more than decade) is so dysregulated by something so meaningless.
Anger like that at a video game isn’t normal or healthy.
ETA – so I feel like I should say that getting angry at video games is part of the experience, sometimes a very deliberate choice from the designers. But the level of anger we are hearing about while someone is leveling an alt character (as opposed to end game progression or elite PVP) makes the level of anger and the way it was expressed beyond what I would consider normal. Some of the comments here are great though in terms of “most rage inducing experience in games” Mine is being in the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time for 6 hours…
ETA #2 – ok all the people coming in to comment about LoL… It’s literally the poster child for toxic gaming communities. Nothing that goes on in that community counts as normal.
Yikes. Your husband is so completely out of line here. Obviously, you’re not a “traitor” but it probably is a good idea that he stops playing games with you from now on, since he is unwilling to get a grip and tone down his unhinged, rage-filled outbursts. I mean, that just sounds so *miserable.*
You should keep playing the games by yourself, though, since you use it as a way to unwind and have fun. Your husband, however, needs to take a *giant* step back, because when he is a part of your team, the game becomes the exact opposite of relaxing and fun.
Edit: NTA, obviously.
It’s concerning that he blames and wants to ditch the group rather than realize the validity in their request that he scale back his frustration.
The other concerning factor is that he feels you are insulting him by continuing to participate in this group.
You and the group have simply and reasonably communicated about how uncomfortable his frustration is. If he thinks that justifies burning all bridges and demanding your withdrawal, that further speaks to his challenge with managing uncomfortable emotions and communication.
Counseling is a great idea and probably necessary.
If you have a good guild with people you enjoy playing with, do *not* give it up just to follow his toxic ass around. And I hope you love and enjoy Azeroth as much as I used to.
Because it is an effing video game and you can rez your character!!! Your husband’s attitude is awful and he shouldn’t care about being out when he thinks he is so much better than the rest of the guild.
If this is WoW Classic, you are alliance, and want another friend, DM. 🙂
>he either needs to get therapy for his anger issues, or we need to find a new game to play that will be less rage inducing for him.
You should have suggested this to him first, rather than complaining to your online friends.
He needs help. He either needs an alternate outlet for his pent up frustration and anger, or counseling.
So your hubs is not only wrong for expecting you to quit, but also wrong for being such a jerk to begin with. It’s clear he wasn’t enjoying himself, so he needs to go do his ‘high level’ characters by himself, and let you ‘low level’ players enjoy yourselves.
INFO: Just for my own curiosity, what role is your husbands character? I’m assuming it’s either tank or DPS?
NTA.
He is being a big baby about this, I understand getting frustrated at a game but to get this angry? It’s fucked up.