Then, out of nowhere, a generous offer appeared like a whirlwind—his parents, wealthy and kind, proposing a grander home far beyond their modest plans. Gratitude mingled with shock, and an overwhelming sense of being unprepared for such a gift stirred a deep emotional conflict between love, pride, and the uncomfortable weight of acceptance.
So, this is a disaster. My fiancé (29M) and I (28F) have been looking into buying a house. We’ve been saving for this for years and have enough saved up to buy something small (our city’s housing market is pretty insane, so even with a good combined income, most things are out of our range).
We don’t need a lot of space and aren’t planning to have kids anytime soon, if ever, so small works just fine.
However, as a wedding gift, his parents recently offered to buy us a nice 3-4 bedroom home in their neighborhood. It’s a bit bigger than we need and a little far from work, but it is an amazing home with a giant yard for our dogs.
We were shocked and grateful and didn’t think we could accept. His parents are quite wealthy (own about 7-8 investment properties of their own) and have always really welcomed me as family, but it just felt like two much.
They kept insisting – the property was owned by an older friend that had lost his wife and was looking to downsize and didn’t want the hassle of putting it on the market. This way, they could buy the home from with cash (and he’d give them a slight discount on it), and help us get started in life.
We eventually agreed, on the condition that they accept all the money we saved for a down payment and that the remaining amount is an interest free loan that we would pay back monthly.
Everything seemed great, until this weekend, when they sprung on us their other condition: namely, they also want us to agree to let my fiancé’s younger sister live with us indefinitely.
To be clear, I have no issue with his younger sister, Claire. Claire (26F) and I have always got along really well, which I think is one of the reasons his parents like me so much.
Claire has very high functioning autism (aspergers I believe) and has trouble reading social clues. She still lives at home, and they have mentioned they worry about her ever being able to live independently.
My fiancé and I love his sister, but she can be difficult to live with, as she has trouble dealing with situations if she doesn’t get her way. When we explained this wouldn’t work for us, it started a giant argument.
First, they tried to offer it for free again, I.e, we don’t pay them back for it. We said no. His parents ultimately said they wouldn’t help us buy the house unless we agreed, so we said we don’t want the house then.
Now they are calling us selfish for refusing a “free” house and putting their friend in a tough spot by pulling out last minute, just because we don’t want to share a giant house with his sister.
It’s pretty stressful, and his sister is apparently upset too, as she was looking forward to moving in with us. I can see how it seems a little entitled, especially when we don’t need all that space and would have extra bedrooms, but are we the assholes here?
Conclusion
The original poster and their fiancé are caught between accepting a significant financial gift—a house provided by the fiancé’s parents—and adhering to their personal boundaries regarding shared living space. Their initial acceptance, contingent on repayment terms, was complicated when the parents introduced a non-negotiable condition: allowing the fiancé’s sister, Claire, to live with them indefinitely.
When the couple refused the imposed condition, the parents rescinded their offer, labeling the couple selfish for rejecting a substantial gift. The central debate is whether the parents were entitled to attach a significant, long-term personal condition to their substantial gift, or if the couple was justified in prioritizing their future autonomy and privacy over the financial benefit.
Here’s how people reacted:
From the title, I 100% believe it. Got my popcorn. Let’s dig in.
> our city’s housing market is pretty insane, so even with a good combined income, most things are out of our range
Mood.
> his parents recently offered to buy us a nice 3-4 bedroom home in their neighborhood.
*ALERT. ALERT. BWAAAAH.*
> Everything seemed great, until this weekend, when they sprung on us their other condition: namely, they also want us to agree to let my fiancé’s younger sister live with us indefinitely.
Oh, that’s…that’s charming. Okay.
> First, they tried to offer it for free again, I.e, we don’t pay them back for it.
And have an even larger Sword of Damocles to hold over your necks? Thanks but no thanks, brah.
> His parents ultimately said they wouldn’t help us buy the house unless we agreed, so we said we don’t want the house then.
Brava. Bravissima. They have made their intentions absolutely clear: this is about having a measure of control in their son’s life, and in yours. Nothing accomplishes that quite like a huge financial obligation.
> I can see how it seems a little entitled, especially when we don’t need all that space and would have extra bedrooms, but are we the assholes here?
No. No, no, no. Don’t tell yourself that. You are not the entitled ones. They made you a gracious offer as a “gift,” only to turn around and attach strings to it once they thought you were hooked in. They made an enormous assumption – that you and your new husband would be willing to “start out your lives” with not just any roommate, but the younger sister – and that if you weren’t willing, you’d cave because it would be free, giving them license to hold that money over your heads forever. *They* are the entitled ones. You are not, and did not, ask for anything for free.
You are **NTA** and that is infuriating.
But in short – you didn’t ask it and are under no obligation to take it.
Also, as a low-support autistic person? Wow your in-laws are so infantalising. From your description, your SIL is completely capable of living independently (aka. not with family). She’ll need a support network, one more intensive than the support network allistics have, but it doesn’t even sound like she needs a professional Carer. Maybe occassionly she’d need intense support, but not constantly. Also, promising her this house before actually confirming it with you? That would obviously fuck with SIL’s head (change in plans can be incredibly difficult for autistic people to process – I think you mentioned that’s an area in particular that SIL needs high-support in?). So that’s extra fucked up.
(Quick sidenote: some autistic people still use ‘Aspergers’ but it’s an out-dated term. Unless SIL uses it herself it’s kinda rude to call her that. Also “high-functioning”/”low-functioning” are nonfunctional terms – they don’t actually describe any part of the autistic experience for a lot of reasons. Try high-support/low-support or periodic-support/continuous-support/regular-support! These words actually describe autistic experiences.)
Your in-laws are trying to force you into being Claire’s full time caretakers for the rest of her life without even doing you the courtesy of discussing this with you first. It’s outrageous to try to slip in this sort of thing under the guise of giving you a gift. This is not a gift, they are shifting upon you a burden and it’s one that you two need to seriously consider before deciding if you should accept it.
If you do not want to be the live in caretaker of a disabled adult for 50+ years, this is the time to draw this line in the sand. You are not being selfish, the parents are being manipulative.
NTA for refusing the gift of being a lifelong, live in caretaker of a disabled relative.
What your in-laws did is really pretty awful. Rather than asking you to do them the enormous favor of taking their adult daughter into your household, they dangled a free house, then sprung a condition and told their adult daughter about it before you accepted.
That is very disappointing behavior. You were absolutely right to decline. These are not people from whom you should accept ‘gifts’ because they clearly will expect you to bend to their whims whether they are clear about it up front or make demands down the line.
Their daughter’s living situation is their responsibility. If she is truly unable to live independently they need to make an arrangement for her. However, based on how you describe her it sounds like they could buy her a condominium if she is not able to manage financial independence.
IANAP, but I think this is a lot more about your parents stressing about Claire and her future than whether their neighbor gets a good deal on her house. For parents of a dependant adult children the “future care” is a tremendous stress point, and they are probably mostly concerned about knowing that Claire will have support moving forward / once they are unable to support her needs. I think they saw the “free house” as an easy in but didn’t know how to approach it.
I’d encourage you guys to 1) revisit this topic with his parents on this issue and 2) be open to working with his parents about the rest of Claire’s life. Soon she will be a family member for you too, and you’ll all want to work together for her sustainment.
It may also be better for Claire. Once you and your husband become overwhelmed with this situation of her living with you, she’s off far worse than she is with her parents or in a nice assisted living facility close by (for which money seems to be available). NTA
edit: because a few people pointed it out, I know now that autism isn’t grouped as a mental illness. Sorry!
Most important thing now as long as both of you are on the same page, is to explain everything to the daughter. She’s an innocent victim in all this and I think you need to explain that it’s not about her, it’s about 1) lying and 2) huge life decisions. Don’t take the house but make sure you keep hanging out with her.
But did you really think they were going to give you a whole house and not expect anything in return? Even if Claire wasn’t part of the picture, the future in-laws would probably feel entitled to use the house as their home away from home. Do you, as a future daughter-in-law, really want to be under that kind of obligation to them?
Frankly, this kind of deals aren’t unheard of with high cost of living areas and well-off in-laws. And guess what? There is *always* a catch, always.
That said, such an expensive house is a pretty nice deal in exchange for taking a family responsibility your partner is probably going to have to take on at some point anyway.
The only problem is how they’ve went about this, it reeks of dishonesty.