In the quiet turmoil of her doubts, she wrestles with the harsh judgment of those closest to her, branded selfish for simply wanting to live life on her own terms. Yet beneath the surface lies a fierce refusal to be overshadowed or diminished—a woman determined to claim her independence, pursue her dreams, and protect the fragile security she’s fought so hard to create.
My boyfriend has just paid off his mortgage and now wants to take early retirement on £8k per annum. The only way he can afford to do this would be for me to move in with him and work full time so that the bills can be paid and he can do what he wants in his spare time.
I am fifty and my own pension fund is not great so I don’t expect to be able to retire for the next twenty years.
Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to uproot my life, and that of my son, and wanting to pursue my own career on my own terms? I am planning on going traveling while working once my son leaves home, and saving as much money as possible, not supporting my boyfriend who has never supported me.
Am I an asshole for putting myself first (as my parents and boyfriend seem to think) or should my boyfriend re think his situation? I don’t have any real advantage in doing this as my boyfriend is leaving the house to his stepson even if I do move in with him, and I would have to get rid of all my stuff as there’s no room for it at his place…..
Conclusion
The original poster is facing a major life decision that pits her personal long-term financial security and career goals against her boyfriend’s desire for early retirement funded by her continued full-time employment. The conflict is clear: her boyfriend expects a significant life change and financial contribution from her so he can stop working, while she views this arrangement as unfair given her own need to work for another two decades and the lack of reciprocal support.
Is the poster unreasonable for prioritizing her established career path, her son’s stability, and her future retirement over immediately supporting her boyfriend’s lifestyle change, or is the boyfriend justified in expecting her to sacrifice her career plans to subsidize his early retirement?
Here’s how people reacted:
I managed to read your initial post before it was deleted that seemed to have a bit more information.
But regardless to answer the question no you are not TAH by placing the value of your priorities and the priorities of YOUR CHILD ahead of the priorities of your boyfriend.
The fact that your BF thinks you’re an AH in this situation is a big red flag to me of possible future abuse, and I say this lightly just on the thought that if he thinks you’re an AH for not uprooting your life, and the life of your 12 year old to appease him it shows his main priority is himself, which in turn will reflect to him wanting your main priority to be him. When this tends to happen, it tends to distance the child as this 60y old boyfriend is going to want the majority of your attention, and if you don’t give it to him.. well according to him you’re the ah so you’re going to suffer his wrath for being an ah.. in turn I’ve seen this reflected onto the child as well as it’s possible your BF may deflect the fact that he isnt (AND SHOULDNT BE) your main priority, he will take his aggression out on your main priority (YOUR CHILD).
I also read prior that he didn’t have space for a lot of your stuff and he wouldn’t be making space so he wanted you to sell your possessions or something.. (subconscious control tactic, and just another proof of the AHolery).
Overtime this will push your child further and further away, as a parent your child should be your main priority not some boyfriend.
No, you have yourself and a child to support. Don’t sell your home and uproot your child to give your time, money, and energy to this man.
If your BF wants to retire, he can either figure out how to do it without you or work longer and save for his retirement like everyone else.
And if he breaks up with you because you stand up for yourself, you have dodged a bullet.
(Seriously, I can definitely see a future where he would expect you to pay all the bills and do all the cooking and cleaning for him as well. Life is too short to be his caretaker. You want a relationship where you’re a partner, not their mommy.)
I would only not doing this, I would think twice about the relationship, if I were you.
You are not financially responsible for your ***boyfriend***.
You ***are*** financially responsible for your son.
Your ***boyfriend*** isn’t entitled to any of your wealth or possessions.
If he was your ***husband***, then there would be a different conversation.
Also, he sounds like a big mooch.
Having your mortgage paid off isn’t the indicator that you’re now able to retire. Your boyfriend can’t afford to retire and should not retire now. He’s making a terrible financial decision and is asking you to take all the burden and risk while he reaps all the benefit.
He is trying to use you for personal financial gain.
This would be a huge error for yourself if you did this.
Not only would you be spending your own finances to support him now, you would, after he passes, end up with no money and no home!
INFO: how long have you two been dating?
“I can’t actually afford to retire, but I want to, so you should give up your own life plans and sacrifice your child’s future so that I can parasitise off you.”
Er. No NTA
I want to retire and to do that, I’m going to need you to move in and finance me.
I’m shocked you actually have to ask tbh.
He should move in with your parents seeing as they think it’s a good plan.
Please dont give up your own dreams and he isnt a very good example for your son either.
Who the hell thinks they can retire on 8K? That sounds like lunacy.
EDIT: NTA
YOur parents are AH, ignore them.
Tell your bf to get a job and support himself.