NAH, but I believe that if you’re going to have an honest marriage, you need to confront the things that concern you as a couple together. I don’t buy into this “He’ll come out when he’s ready” when it comes to a marriage. You guys are a partnership. If you find something “interesting” and potentially concerning, communicate. You both have shut down certain lines of communication. He has stuff he’s hiding and so do you. Mature couples discuss these things. I might consider marriage counseling, giving him a safer space to discuss some things on his own. It could be nothing but it could be everything for your relationship. Sexuality effects both of you and neither of you should be wasting each other’s life waiting for when the other person is comfortable. Life is short. Communicate your concerns with your partner.

Probably not relevant but this is coming from a gay guy. I understand the confusion and feelings of seclusion and embarrassment firsthand.

NTA that is not your secret it is his. You also may be jumping to conclusions. What you watch during porn does not always equal your sexuality. I am fully heterosexual. I have no interest in other men but I like watching trans porn. I find it amazing how someone can go from looking like a male to looking exactly like a female. Penis or not they can be ridiculously attractive. I also find female body builders attractive. I have been married to my wife over 20 years and I love having sex with her. I am not bi, bi curious or anything but heterosexual.

You are a little bit of an ahole because you keep it secret for selfish reasons. You obviously don’t want your payday ruined so you avoid an honest conversation. Now that I think about it more YTA. You avoid conversations in a marriage for self-centered reasons and also jump to conclusions without talking to him.

Sorry but YTA. You’re not an asshole for wanting him to have his privacy to figure things out, but the reasons you mention are mostly material concerns that place value on a lifestyle instead of his person. His reasons for not coming out (*if* he’s gay/bi/whatever) might be because he’s still coming to terms with his sexuality/doesn’t feel comfortable, or, since it’s been several years, it might be because he doesn’t feel like he will be accepted for who he is. If it’s the latter case, he’ll need people he can trust and count on. You mentioned that he’s kind and considerate and clearly care about him. He might be really needing someone to talk to.

Also – choice of porn and deteriorating sex life might not mean he’s gay. In either case, talk to him. Better to open a line of communication than to have it come out (no pun intended) some other way IMO

NAH

If he wanted to tell you, he could. He’s obviously content with the status quo.

But I fear he may eventually want to leave you for a man, if he truly is gay. This is most likely to happen when your youngest kid graduates high school, based on the experience of married (now divorced) people I know. But hopefully things will remain amicable for you two as co-parents.

But just bear in mind that you may one day have to support yourself financially. Depending where you live, alimony is not typically awarded these days, if a spouse is considered to be young enough to have reasonable earning capacity left.

YTA

Lying and keeping secrets doesn’t help anyone. Your husband could be afraid of ruining his entire life and image, but you’re fine with putting him through that turmoil because you’re happy with your status.

Consider the impact it may be having on your husband. He’s harboring a secret, and instead of you telling him things are alright or allowing him room to explore that side of his sexuality, you’re sitting at home playing house while he’s supporting your fantasy.

That’s wrong.

NAH. It sounds like the two of you are both making an effort in the marriage, which is good to keep your family together. His sexuality is what it is, and it’s neither his nor your fault that your sex life might be deteriorating. Although it’ll be hard, but I think gently talking about it with him will help both you and him understand the situation better, you probably won’t feel very happy if you had wait for all your kids to leave the nest to talk about it.

You don’t *know* he’s gay! For all you know there’s a stash of straight porn on that laptop too. And sex life deteriorating over the course of a marriage is like the most common thing in the world, it could easily have nothing to do with his sexuality.

If you wish you had sex more often, that’s something that a therapist could potentially help with. What would you do if you didn’t think he was gay but still had that problem?

NTA. If you’re looking out for your children theres very little you could do to be an asshole.

If you do decide to say something maybe so something like ” i found your gay porn” not ” I know you’re gay”
Just probably will make him feel less cornered and be more open. I’m sure this is strange for you but i imagine he will be scared/nervous if you initiate the conversation

NAH, but maybe he’s not gay. I’ve got some freaky sideshow things in my browser history but I’m not a clown. If you’re married and close maybe you can just tell him you accidentally saw his super sexy gay porn stash woo woo, this seems like something I wouldn’t be afraid to bring up with my partner of so many years.

YTA for assuming your husband is gay just bc he looks at gay porn. Lots of people look at porn that they have no intention or desire to recreate.

NAH for being happy with the status quo, assuming he is as well. Marriages go through phases and with three kids you’re in a different phase than when you got married.

I see a lot of NAH here, but I feel like it’s kind of the opposite – ESH. He is hiding a major secret from his partner and (imo) in all liklihood seeking out men to sleep with. OP is willing to enable him being closeted because he makes good money and isn’t a dick. It just sounds so…unhealthy.

NAH

I am straight and married but I prefer to watch and read lesbian porn. I don’t really know why, probably because I find it less aggressive then standard porn. If that’s his case, you have no worries. Anyway this shakes down, just be supportive and make sure you have support as well.

NAH

Your husband is providing for his family and honouring his marriage vows. You’re not holding it against him and are leaving him in peace. I’m not sure if it will work out long term, but so long as you’re happy I don’t see anyone as an asshole.

NAH. I’m going to abuse my no outing people rule here to say that if he doesn’t want to share it, you don’t need to share it either.

If you notice him struggling with it though, that’s another story.

NAH. It would probably provide him some peace if he knows you know, but there’s the risk that he might decide to leave once it’s no longer a secret. I guess it’s best not to rock the boat?

NAH.

But I’d be on the lookout for hints he wants to confide in you and be ready to be supportive. Sounds like a pretty earth shaking secret for him.

NAH – if it works, it works and as long as everyone’s happy then there’s not really any point in stirring the pot imo.

Just because he watches gay porn doesn’t mean he’s gay. I’m heterosexual and I watch gay porn all the time lol