Despite years of cruelty, the younger brother sought a fragile peace, reaching out with forgiveness and understanding. Yet, faced with venomous hatred and slurs, he made the painful choice to stand up for himself, forcing a reckoning that might either heal or shatter the fragile threads holding their family together.
So for Christmas my mother got me and my wife a pride flag, and we hung it on the outside of our garage. It got stolen a few days ago, but since we have cameras we were able to figure out the culprit was my brother.
This isn’t a huge surprise, I came out at 12 and in the 32 years later and he has been nothing but horrible to me because of that. I decided even so to call him up and ask him to return the flag, I told him that as long as he doesn’t do it again we can forget about it.
He refused and said some homophobic slurs, so I called the police and reported it.
He is on probation so he could go back to jail now. He called me and cursed me out saying I’m sending him to jail for stealing a $10 flag. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a direct conflict between their need for safety, respect, and acceptance, and their brother’s ongoing, hostile behavior rooted in prejudice. The OP attempted a low-stakes resolution by asking for the return of stolen property and promising forgiveness, which the brother aggressively rejected, escalating the situation by using slurs and denying accountability.
Given the brother’s history of hostility, refusal to return stolen property, and use of hate speech, was the OP justified in involving law enforcement, particularly given the brother’s probation status, or should the OP have absorbed the theft and slurs to avoid jeopardizing the brother’s freedom over a small material item?
Here’s how people reacted:
You gave him a chance to return it, a chance he frankly didn’t deserve in the first place. You’ve already gone above and beyond. If he goes to jail “over a $10 flag” it isn’t because you sent him there. It is because he made a bad decision twice over (the choice to steal it and again when he refused to return it).
Clearly he has an issue taking ownership of his own mistakes.
But protect yourself. Keep copies of the police report. Be ready to file a restraining order if necessary if he doesn’t go to jail. Stealing the flag is only one step in a pattern. Clearly he’s already been verbally harassing you prior to this. This was an escalation. Go no contact. Again mentally and physically prepare yourself for a restraining order. Clearly you already have cameras. I assume you have a security system as well I hope?
Protect yourselves. Stay safe.
Edit: This isn’t a debate sub. I gave my honest opinion, as was requested, and you don’t have to agree with or argue with it.
Edit2: some people enquired what I think OP should have done. I think family matters can sometimes be resolved among the family, and that calling the police should be a last resort. Seems like mom is supportive of OP. Maybe she could have helped resolve things? Would need more info. If I had to solidify my verdict I would say NTA but perhaps higher roads could have been taken.
Edit: Thank you stranger for the silver!
It’s not just theft, it’s a hate crime followed by hate speech. Screw him, no sympathy for the devil here.
I’d bet this type of disrespectful and hurtful behavior is what led to jail anyway. Some people might tell you to turn the other cheek, etc., and that’s always an option of course but consequences are, too. And that’s what this is—a consequence
only thing is maybe watch ur back with other family members calling you petty, it might cause a bit of a stir if theyre also homophobic.
His actions landed him in jail, you gave him an opportunity to do the right thing and he spewed hatred at you; he’s where he belongs.