Yet beneath the surface of defiance lies a silent struggle—a child’s secret shame and vulnerability exposed by the discovery of a wet bed. It’s a poignant reminder that beneath the toughest exterior, there are tender moments demanding understanding, compassion, and a commitment to navigate the fragile terrain of growing up together.
My bf has a daughter (6) and we have her every other weekend.
She’s really started testing boundaries recently and defying us, mainly me, and being generally disrespectful. It’s meant we’ve had a really hard weekend with her and we’ve had to work hard on keeping up with her attitude and behaviour around the house as we all share it and she needs to learn she doesn’t own it and that there are consequences to disrespect.
She’s left tonight and I’ve been at work all day. Just nipped upstairs and figured I would close her bedroom door coz she’s away and we will start tidy up and washing everything later in the week.
When I leant in to grab the door I was met with the most disgusting smell, upon further inspection she’s wet the bed.
I also know that her wetting the bed and not telling us is another issue in and of itself so we will deal with that in our own way.
Now I’ve not had kids of my own and even though that is definitely on the cards, I am a long way off it. I’ve made it clear to my boyfriend that there are things I will not do as I am not equipped to deal with them.
And for me, cleaning this up and sorting it falls within that remit.
He asked me to clean it, as he is gaming. I said no, and tried to explain but he cut me off and made it into a huge argument.
I understand that I live here too but I have made it clear that I will not deal with bodily functions or fluids of any kind when it comes to her. I’m still at that point in my life where I see kids as a little gross and even though I’ve made steps, it’s not enough for this.
AITA for not just cleaning it up?
TLDR; boyfriend’s daughter wet the bed and I didn’t clean it up so it started an argument.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in conflict because they refused to clean up their boyfriend’s daughter’s soiled bedding, citing a pre-established boundary regarding bodily fluids, which directly clashed with the boyfriend’s expectation that the OP handle the task while he was occupied.
Is the OP at fault for adhering strictly to their personal boundary regarding cleaning bodily fluids when faced with an urgent situation involving their partner’s child, or was the boyfriend justified in demanding assistance in managing a necessary household task?
Here’s how people reacted:
I feel terrible for this little 6 year old girl whose dad doesn’t want to take care of her and her stepmom (you) who doesn’t like her, thinks she’s gross, and is mainly concerned about “disrespect”. You and her dad need to get curious about why her behavior is this way. Approach her with compassion and love. But maybe if dad only wants her every other weekend and games while she is there, I guess he doesn’t like her much either. Probably she doesn’t want to listen to you because you clearly don’t like her.
Imagine being a tiny kid, peeing the bed (which is often a sign of stress and emotional difficulties in kids, sometimes even abuse, mind you), and having the adults get in a huge fight over who is cleaning it? She would be dying of shame. What should have happened is you noticed and set “oops, a little accident!” And just quickly removed the sheets, you don’t even need to touch the pee. Now the poor child has a shame complex.
Your boyfriend is a loser for not helping.
You are shaping up to be an evil stepmom – people with kids are a package deal and if you aren’t ready to be a loving and supportive constant presence in the daughter’s life, you need to only date men without kids.
In this very particular case, you are NTA. However, it doesn’t sound like you are fully on board with being in this relationship and being a step-parent to this girl. You are one of two responsible adults in that household. Yes, your bf is the girl’s father and so should be primarily responsible for her. But if you are going to put limits on how you help with a child who is not biologically yours, then you shouldn’t date someone with a child. To me, it only gets worse if the two of you have your own children. Then the poor girl gets shown that it is in fact her specifically that you think is disgusting because you’re willing to put up with similar things from your own children.
He can get off the game for a little bit to be a father for 10 minutes
Whole firm to this boundary. Because otherwise he’s wanting a maid not a girlfriend. It is one thing to clean up after yourself but if he is sitting on a game while you are doing all the cleaning you are not his partner you are his nanny. Especially cleaning up after his kids? This early in the relationship? I don’t think so.
if this is going to be how he acts now when it’s just his kid, it’s a precursor of how he’s gonna treat his own kids that you have with him. You need to rethink your relationship with him and whether or not you wanna have kids with him or not
Because I guarantee you that he’s not gonna change if you have a child with him
I hope you haven’t been with him for long because if you have, this sounds horrible to read…
Now you know why he only has her every other weekend and struggles to do even that.
It’s also unfair for you to be in a relationship with someone who has a child if you are struggling to even think of kids as something other than a gross thing you have to get used to
LOL.
NTA. His kid, his responsibility. I would also watching the way your boyfriend deals with (or doesn’t deal with) his daughter very closely, to see if you really think you could live with it long term.
Wow…..just wow.
Well if it sat that long while you were working then it can wait til he finishes too.
You really need to step back and re-examine EVERY THING!!!
NTA
It’s his kid, and his mess to clean up
And you should be dumping his lazy inconsiderate ass. It’s clear you’re not the priority, and neither seems to be his daughter
Also think very hard about having any future children with a man who is too busy gaming to clean up after his own child and then causes an argument with you.
“He asked me to clean it as he was working. So I told him to get his lazy ass up.” Fine.