if you don’t think she’s autistic, and you need proof to believe that she is, then i don’t really see why you would talk her out of trying to get diagnosed. i’m sure there will be many people talking about tiktok making people think they’re autistic, but it is true that women go undiagnosed for years and that the behaviors that come with unmasking after that aren’t always great. still, it’s widely regarded as common advice for autistic people to learn how to unmask because the stress it causes in the long run ends up being more detrimental. what will you do if this is the case and katie is telling the truth? i don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to say that you weren’t equipped to deal with these things as a partner and that it’s out of your wheelhouse, and it’s probably better for everyone involved if you think that these types of mannerisms are too much for you to bare.

my sister was diagnosed as autistic at a young age and since learning about unmasking and trying to engage in it more, there’s a lot of stuff that our older brother absolutely up the wall, and she’s a diagnosed autistic. he hates that she needs noise cancelling headphones sometimes, hates that she can’t stand to go out, hates that she wont put up with being shamed out of stimming, but from my perspective, the main issue isn’t that he can verifiably prove that these behaviors are bad in any way, it’s just that he personally finds them embarrassing. if my sibling was not forced into situations that were full of uncomfortable stimulus, she would not feel the need to wear noise cancelling headphones or make a scene in public, but these are things that autistic people do to calm down their nervous system. for some autistic people, it might be entirely possible to accept the overstimulation and stress, but to me it’s kind of like asking a PTSD vet to sit through a fireworks show. just because they agreed to put up with it before doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good for them.

tldr: if your partner is guessing correctly and there is in fact autism at play, it is entirely common for things to ‘get worse before they get better’. it would be up to you in this instance to figure out if you would be able to put up with having a partner going through this. i would suggest that they try to go down the path of diagnosis or getting doctor’s opinions, but you should weigh your options \*before\* they get diagnosed and not just operate on the assumption that they’re wrong.

Only you and your partner can really be the judge of this, OP, but it is actually a known phenomenon for people with autism to act “”””’more autistic”””” after being made aware of certain symptoms or after being diagnosed. Some things might be unmasking or stopping hiding that something bothers you as much as it actually does.

It sounds like your partner may be trying different forms of stimming to see what works for her (again, quite common and relatively harmless if done around the house?)

Regardless, dismissing someone for potentially exploring something that is affecting them may not be the approach to take here, or to accuse them of faking. Even if it is a phase, it is not a fruitful approach. This has resonated with your girlfriend for some reason and it would do you well to be more charitable than ‘she just wants attention’. What is important for people is that they take care of their needs (which is something I learned a lot about when I had a similar experience to your girlfriend!) – this to say, if the grocery store overwhelms you, go at a different time, wear earplugs and sunglasses. Figure out what you need to take care of yourself and go do it. Don’t put yourself in a position where you know you’re likely to be stressed and then blame other people for not accommodating you.

This is not to say there are places where accommodations aren’t important but it sounds like your girlfriend has been operating with low or no support needs until now, so thinking with that in mind.

I’m not gonna call either of you an asshole here – it looks like there’s quite a lot of potential that something deeper is going on.

It is exceedingly clear to me how many people here don’t understand neurodivergence. 

YTA. It costs you $0 to be compassionate to your partner about their journey. Young girls in particular are historically severely under diagnosed and taught to suppress any outward stims or other physical movements like ear covering, flapping, etc. Just because you’ve never seen her act a certain way doesn’t mean she hasn’t felt deeply anxious or overstimulated in certain circumstances; far more likely, she has been unpacking the ways she has forced herself to mask over the past year or so and has started allowing herself to stim in ways she has seen as a way to “try out” how different stimming or other techniques work for her. Do you ever get curious about her experiences? Ask about how she’s been navigating it? Ask about things you may not know about that she’s been unpacking? Or have you just been angrily assuming she’s faking it because it somehow cheapens your own experience? 

I can’t imagine ever being with a partner who is so dismissive and unkind about the person they claim to love. Did you ever stop to think it could be deeply embarrassing to have a meltdown in public like that? That in that moment she needed her partner and got your dismissive bs? I spent two decades masking meltdowns in public because of the shame and being told to stop acting like a baby. So yeah, when you finally give yourself permission to let it happen to release the pressure valve when you need to, it’s gonna be new and seem out of place. 

Tl;dr be fucking nice to your partner. Be supportive and curious, not judgy and shameful. 

I can see what you’re saying. I can’t say who’s right without knowing her and being a mental health professional. Something that you may not have considered though, and I’m not saying this is the case for her, is that in the last few years, many females are receiving late diagnosis for ASD, because it’s been found that people born female learn to mirror others and mask their symptoms much earlier in life. This can lead to flying under the radar until adulthood where the ability to mask becomes a lot harder, especially if there’s not much structure or support in our lives it can make us go backwards in some ways. When we can no longer mask like we used to, and we go down the path of assessments and diagnosis, it allows us to see how being on the spectrum affects us as individuals and we embrace that and learn how to manage the symptoms and look after ourselves better. Without having a diagnosis, the symptoms look more like personal failures because we don’t have a reason to give others and we live in an ableist society. So perhaps she has realised that she very well may be on the spectrum and is trying to navigate it the best she can. I may be wrong, but I hope that sharing how my diagnosis at 32 can help you see the possibilities and reasoning for her recent behavioural changes.

As someone nd diagnosed in my 30’s…. There’s a chance she’s on the spectrum or has a combo of nd traits and realized she masks a lot. However, it also sounds like she’s exaggerating with things like sitting and causing a scene. Me learning to unmask included things like instead of feeling like I had to try and contribute to every convo even if it didn’t interest me, I’m happy to sit quietly and just listen. Or, I no longer wear uncomfortable clothing just to look a certain way or follow a trend. I used to feel completely crazy in social situations when I’d get overwhelmed, but now I just am honest that I need to step outside for a minute or find a quiet corner rather than mask being ok and being not ok once I got home… those kinds of things. I didn’t suddenly start melting down in public, and typically unmasking relieves a lot of burden that would have led to a meltdown prior to understanding what was going on. Being more authentic and understanding of myself led to less feelings of being overwhelmed, not suddenly more. I don’t think you’re the ah because I’d walk away from my verbally limited ASD kid for doing that till he calmed down and followed me(I’ve totally done it)

>Over the last few months, Katie has been acting way more autistic in ways I have NEVER seen her act.

OK, this is a hard one. It’s entirely possible (even likely) she’s faking it for attention like you claim.

But it’s ALSO entirely possible that she actually is autistic and just learned to suppress her behaviors in order to appear “normal”. The thing is, while an autistic person might appear to be perfectly capable of going through Target without having a meltdown or going nonverbal, for them it comes only with an unimaginable amount of effort that takes a huge toll on their mental health. And it’s actually beneficial in the long run for that person to stop appearing so “normal” and start letting themselves “be autistic” because it’s better for their mental health in the long run. So many “outwardly normal” autistic people completely burn out in their thirties and forties and end up on disability because they can’t take it anymore.

None of us can diagnose her based on just your post alone. Maybe she’s faking, maybe she’s not.

Absolutely, YTA. Almost every single diagnosis criteria we have centers around presentation in males in general, and this is especially prevalent with autism. I am 35, and only got an official diagnosis with autism after seeing content on TikTok. I have a physical disability which meant that I was regularly evaluated for special ed services in school (90s-00s), and literally no one ever mentioned the possibility that I could be autistic, because it just isn’t a diagnosis given to girls who can speak. None of us, including you, can speak to whether or not she is “faking”. Yes, she has a responsibility as an adult to understand and communicate her needs. But slip-ups happen, and YTA for literally walking away rather than deal with it, when the only consequence is maybe brief embarrassment on your part. Frankly, you sound More attached to the idea of having a “normal” GF then understanding the journey that your actual GF is experiencing. You say she’s chronically online, so I hope she sees this and realizes she deserves better

Not sure. But I want to share as an autistic person who masked to the extreme due to abuse as a child I used to hide my unusual behaviors the best I could and bottle up EVERYTHING and push through until I spiraled out and self-harmed/attempted suicide. Now that I’m no contact with my family and have been in therapy more than half my life I don’t hide as much. That being said everyone not related to me and even some who are say the signs were always there even when I was living with the mask. I also have met some people with BPD and when they find community or a sense of belonging because they don’t have a sense of self they emulate those who make them feel the most accepted around them. Then their Munchausen syndrome which is why some people suddenly have things they didn’t b4 to get attention. All are real possibilities for your fiancé all need a specialist to diagnose and therapy is part of all three Dx treatments.

It doesn’t hurt to seek a diagnosis. Yes it may be long and pricey, but if she truly does have autism, then a diagnosis and therapy will go a long ways in her gaining tools to live more authentically.

As others have said, many mask and self diagnosis isn’t just attention seeking. There is something empowering when finding something that resonates with one’s own self lived experiences. You’re not wrong to feel exhausted and overwhelmed by the sudden change, but if this relationship means anything to you, lead with empathy and curiosity. What does your partner need for support? You will also need to set up some of your own boundaries.

It’s a tough transition. I hope Katie isn’t faking it. I hope you both can communicate so Katie can thrive with Autism and you can enjoy the wonderful parts of her that are still there.

Even if she WAS faking it. That is it’s own mental illness and needs professional help and diagnosis.

She fully believes she has autism. Meaning her brain is experiencing the world through that lens now, and she WANTS to get help for the symptoms that have popped up.

I thought I was autistic when a therapist suggested it to me. My “symptoms” got worse. The world literally got brighter and louder.

Then I got TWO psychologists to evaluate me. They did not find autism. But at least I had support and my family understood when I told them I wasn’t, in fact, autistic.

Basically she needs professional help. She needs compassion. Either she is autistic and needs accommodation, or she’s not and needs to know what IS going on with her.

OP, YTA

Granted I’m diagnosed but I get accused of blaming things on my autism and that I wasn’t like this a year ago. Guess what happened a year ago? I sat on the edge of the bed with a gun to my head and came very close to pulling the trigger. If my landlady didn’t come down to do laundry I would have. My whole 38 years of my life I have been accommodating everyone in my life. Masking non stop. It made and still makes me want to die because no one will ever like me for who I am. Finally I said fuck everyone I’m gonna live a life where I don’t constantly want to kill myself and now everyone is mad. It’s always my fault I’m depressed, my fault I’m having panic attacks…. I’m fucking done.

I’m gonna go against the grain and say that partially yta, just because of how dismissive you are about her, wanting to get a diagnosis like it seems like you’ve never really took interest in the way she feels about herself or discoveries. She feels like she’s making and that’s just really sad to me. This kind of reads as you just find her super Duper annoying. Obviously, the symptoms thing as cringe as fuck so I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling that way, but I think it’s kind of icky that you were so fast to discredit her before she even started displaying those behaviors. Be honest with yourself is this somebody who you really want to spend the rest of your life with?

If you don’t believe her self diagnosis then let her pursue a professional one, because you aren’t going to be doing you or her any favours by continuing like this.

Maybe she is autistic and seeing it more normalised on social media has helped her feel comfortable not putting all her energy into masking, maybe she isn’t and she’s picking up on traits that appear in autism and other conditions which she could have instead such as ADHD and it’s getting a little messy.

Diagnosis isn’t for everyone and it’s not a fun process but it seems necessary here even if only to settle this for you so you can move on with your lives.

Some people don’t get diagnosed until their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. and the people around them often think they act “more” autistic after they begin the diagnostic process, not because they weren’t autistic before, but because they finally feel comfortable unmasking.
Your girlfriend is processing years of suppressed sensory overload, and while she figures out the coping mechanisms that work for her, she may not act like the ‘neurotypical’ person that you’re used to, but that’s because she never was. And if you don’t love her as she is and support her in the journey of finding a new balance, then break up with her. YTA.

Your girlfriend may not have autism, but something is sure going on with her if she has such a strong need for attention. A lot of people are diagnosing themselves with ASD, but an ASD diagnosis is actually tricky and is complicated by the fact there’s overlap with symptoms of other conditions.

I’d encourage her to see a psychologist who specializes in developmental and behavioral issues. (A general therapist is not adequate.) You were wrong to dissuade her from going. If, as you (and I) believe, she is NOT autistic, she needs to hear it from a professional and get some guidance on what her real issues are.

NTA. Ugh these ✨tism✨tik toks break autism symptoms down into easily relatable, trendy, bingeable content and make neurotypical people feel like they’ve finally put the peaces together when they’re just putting themselves under a microscope and pathologizing behaviors everyone autism or not does to some capacity. She’s literally placeboing herself into having these “symptoms” to the point they feel real for her and validate her new identity. She really needs a reality check and a screen break but it’s hard to suggest that without becoming the big bad guy.

Dude, NTA. Honestly, it’s a real slippery slope when people start self-diagnosing based on what they see online. If she genuinely feels this way, she should seek some professional advice. Her behavior seems kind of attention-seeking rn, honestly. Nobody likes a faker, esp when it comes to serious stuff like this. Would’ve done the same in your shoes. Being supportive is one thing, playing along with what seems like a whimsical mimicry is another. I hope you guys sort it out.

Regardless of the moment itself, you are the AH for doubling down and now calling her a baby instead of owning up to your role in escalating an overwhelming experience.

Try demonstrating an ounce of curiosity instead of dismissing her wholesale. Ask about triggers. Test solutions together. Accommodations make life better for most people, regardless of dis/ability. Maybe she could benefi from using earplugs in big box stored. Maybe you could too.

NTA. Katie sounds like she needs to see some kind of doctor. I don’t think she sounds neuro-divergent as much as she sounds addicted to SM and easily influenced, but let a doctor figure that out. Meanwhile, you have your own life to live and I don’t believe you are obligated to stick around for this. At the very least, I think letting her know she needs to actively and immediately seek professional help would be a condition of staying.

Definitely the AH. ADHD and autism are nothing alike. As someone who’s autistic, it can be very confusing and liberating to discover when you might be showing symptoms. Things that have bothered her, confused her, finally are starting to make sense.

I can’t say about the sensory overloads or her other new found habits. Autism is a very wide spectrum and she’s finding where she fits

Whether she is faking this or not, if you have invested years into a relationship, you need to help find a path to resolve this. Get her the mental assistance she needs. Press the issue until something is done. If she really is a total wack job who wants to have purposeful meltdowns, at least you did what you could before walking away.

YTA. Just break up with this girl if you don’t believe her anyway. How do you know she’s “acting” and not unmasking? Symptoms often appear or are heightened when you drop the mask, and you are more likely to drop it around people you feel safe with.
She is no longer safe with you so let her find someone who can help her.

To me this is no different than people who fake cancer for attention. She is taking a condition that is extremely life changing for some people and using it get out of being an adult and get attention. You should leave her in her room and walk away from this relationship. I’d be too disgusted to ever look at her again.

She also could have been masking before. I didn’t realise I was autistic till my sons were diagnosed. I didn’t get diagnosed till I was 47. Now I struggle to mask and isms do get worse at times and sometimes not too bad. Tell her to get diagnosed.

Dismissing someone is being an AH

>expensive and lengthy process

As a parent of neurodyvergant children. I can 100% say a diagnosis is not a lengthy process. It’s a few hours at most.

The coat of a diagnosis varies but where I am itbwas under 2000 per child.

An adult diagnosis might be more

Why are people glossing over that she wanted to get a professional diagnosis but OP dissuaded her? She needs to talk to someone and OP actively discouraged her from doing so.

Whether it’s ASD or not, she still needs to talk to someone and sort it out

YTA

If you’re not ready to understand or do not want to trust her, why are you staying with her ? You clearly don’t want to help her and have no empathy.

Even if she is faking, she still needs to help to stop these behaviors. And you are just here shaming her.

This is an actual phenomenon with young people. Faking neurodivergent conditions because of tiktok and they want attention or to feel unique. Kids are emulating Tourette’s so much they are triggering actual Tourette’s in themselves. It’s sad and pathetic.

This post is one sided. You can’t say NTA without hearing her girlfriend’s side. My family and in laws would sound like this post about me. I am autistic and I have now been officially diagnosed.

NTA. This might sound harsh. But it’s time to part ways. People are either going to think you suck and don’t deserve her or they are going to agree with your decisions.
Time to cut bait

You know what just break up with her. If she is autistic she can get it diagnosed if she isn’t that’s no still excuse for you leaving her in target. Just break up .

I work with kids that have level 3 autism & they do none of the things that you’ve just described, your wife is an idiot & attention seeker

Leaving someone in Target is like leaving a kid in a candy store except now you’re both crying and there are no gummy bears involved.

I wouldn’t say either of you are TA, but time to think long and hard on if you want the rest of your life to be like this

If she’s diagnosed with anything it’ll probably be hypochondria. NTA

I would not get married until she is diagnosed one way or the other.

Her getting a diagnosis would have spared you both from resentment.

She’s too damn old to be acting like this. NTA

You sure you want to marry her?