The shimmering allure of a simple destination wedding clashed painfully with the looming shadow of a grand church affair, one her parents demanded yet refused to support financially. In this quiet battle of wills, she resolved to protect their future from the weight of empty appearances, standing firm against a tide that sought to define her happiness by the size of the guest list and the depth of her wallet.
I (F28) am getting married to a pretty great guy (32). He is teacher and he is very happy with his decision to become a teacher. I work for a tech company and we do pretty well financially.
We have been together for four years and have finally decided to get married. His parents bare happy and mine are overjoyed.
One small wrinkle is that my parents expect us to have a massive church wedding with a few hundred guests. We were thinking Jamaica this summer during his time off.
We are willing to do what my parents want but I am unwilling to foot the bill. My mom and I met with a wedding planner for an estimate. $35-$45 thousand dollars.
If we go to the resort we have picked out it will cost like $10,000. And that includes paying for his parents, and nephew to join us.
My parents know how much money I earn and are insisting that I pay for the wedding myself.
We have been very clear. If they want to show off to their friends they can pay for it. We even volunteered to throw in the money we would have spent on my in-laws for the destination wedding we want.
My mom says I’m being an asshole by denying her the chance to see her only daughter married in front of friends and family. I’m not. I’m just not willing to pay for it.
My parents can afford to pay for the wedding. It might just mean putting off replacing their car this year.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict between her desire for a modest destination wedding and her parents’ strong expectation for a large, expensive church ceremony to satisfy their social standing. While the OP and her fiancé are willing to compromise on the type of wedding, they are firm that the financial burden of the parents’ preferred option should rest with them, given their ability to afford it.
Is the OP justified in refusing to fund her parents’ desire for a large wedding, even if it means causing significant emotional distress to her mother who feels denied witnessing her only daughter’s dream ceremony?
Here’s how people reacted:
You didn’t mention paying for your parents, so both weddings give your in laws the free ride and cost your parents more.
In reality, venue and catering and photos can be much less expensive out of the country, but vastly more expensive for guests and the wedding party to attend when the bride/groom doesn’t pick up the tab of travel & accommodations. It also typically means guests and wedding party must take more time off of work and use their PTO for you, rather than in a way they would typically choose. Which really is a cost shifting from the bride/groom to the guests and often burdensome to others.
So whether it’s a destination, or the big wedding at home paid for by your parents, you still essentially may be expecting others to foot the bill of your special day, which, if that’s the case, would make YTA.
FWIW, I completely believe the bride and groom should be able to have the wedding they want, provided that they don’t expect others to finance it, and don’t expect guests to go into debt to attend, and understand that not everyone can afford to attend expensive destination weddings.
You’re willing to have a huge destination wedding (It sounds like you aren’t against the idea at all, I’m guessing you didn’t need to be talked into it🙄) but you don’t want to pay for it. Sounds like you’re leaning into having this huge expensive wedding, both because you get a huge expensive wedding, *and* because it gives you an excuse to ask mom and dad to pay for it.
Mom wants a specific type of wedding for you, and if she wants a say in your wedding then yes she should help pay to make it that way.
If she won’t pay for it, but you still want big destination wedding, pay for it yourself. If you don’t actually want big destination wedding, you’re just doing it to make parents happy, and they won’t pay, then have a smaller local wedding. If your real goal is to make mom and dad pay for your wedding, and mom and dad’s goal is to get you to have the wedding *they* want, then you all sound like an ESH family.
NTA. Your parents (your mom specifically) are trying to force you to make their wedding dream a reality. That’s really weird. I’m with you, if they really want that, they can foot the bill – it’s for their friends anyway.
It’s your wedding, you get to decide where and how you want to do it.
Congratulations!!! 🙂
Your mom can have the wedding she pays for. You don’t want a wedding, she does. You want to go to Jamaica. It’s your money, mom doesn’t get to tell you how to spend it.
Best wishes on your upcoming Jamaican wedding or honeymoon. Mom either comes to the wedding or she doesn’t. No one is entitled to a wedding on someone else’s dime.
Do it your way with your money.
This is why I eloped lol
Honestly the audacity of your mother to EXPECT a wedding you don’t want and also not want to pay for it is astounding.
Do what makes you happy. Stick to your guns on this.
This is why I eloped lol
Honestly the audacity of your mother to EXPECT a wedding you don’t want and also not want to pay for it is astounding.
Do what makes you happy. Don’t back down on this.
If they want the $40k wedding, then they pay for it. Otherwise, stick to your $10k plan. In fact, do that anyway. That’s what you and partner want, and this is YOUR wedding.
NTA
Have the wedding YOU want to have.
Do the wedding you want to do.
Don’t feel pressured to have their wedding even if they do agree to foot the bill.
But why make this into a negotiation when you can just stand up for yourself and do what you want?