What starts as simple kindness soon unravels into a tangled web of suspicion and silent questions, where every glance and every change of clothes becomes a charged moment filled with unvoiced fears. In this intimate space, the line between support and betrayal blurs, leaving a woman to confront the quiet storm brewing just beyond her sight.
I (23F) have a husband (24M). He has a sister (25F) who he is extremely close to. Me and her have gotten along since my husband first introduced me to her and I actually consider her my sister.
Recently, she has started living with us. She was supposed to get married to her fiancée but last second he cancelled the wedding and she had nowhere to live since he was her support system financially.
We took her in while she gets back up on her feet.
Well, since she lives with us, we allow her to bring over her friends. One friend (24F) in particular sleeps over a lot, I don’t really mind since SIL room is in the attic and her friend doesn’t really come out of her room often.
I have noticed though, that when my husband is out and she comes out of the attic, she would wear big hoodies and long baggy pants, but as soon as my husband comes back she’ll go back up to the attic and come back wearing booty shorts and a basically transparent shirt which shows everything.
I thought I was over reacting and didn’t do anything about it, but the other day my husband came to me shaking. When I asked him what was wrong he basically cried to me that he felt extremely uncomfortable and angry.
When I asked for a reason he said that every time SILs friend comes over she literally flirts non stop with him when no one is around. Once apparently she even took off her pants and when he told her not to she said that she just needed some air.
the reason why he was so upset this time was because a few minutes earlier she had tried to grab his hand.
My husband hates physical touch with anyone he’s not comfortable with, hence that was a breaking point for him.
After a long discussion between us two, we told SIL how we didn’t want her friend over anymore because she was making us both uncomfortable. SIL freaked out, saying that it wasn’t her friends fault that my husband “was attracted to her” and started saying we were both some sexist assholes.
I feel really bad honestly, I’m a big women activist and this has really made me feel like sexist women, also SIL refuses to look at me now and im scared our relationship is ruined.
I also feel bad because I know SILS friend was a big support system for her during these hard times and I might have taken that away from her.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant emotional conflict. While upholding marital boundaries made them and their husband feel safe, their actions resulted in severe distress for their sister-in-law (SIL) and a potential rupture in their relationship with her. The OP is struggling with cognitive dissonance, as their protective actions contradict their strong personal values as a women’s activist.
Given the clear boundary violations by the guest and the resulting marital distress, was setting a firm boundary by banning the friend justified, even if it meant damaging the relationship with the SIL? Or should the OP and her husband have pursued less drastic communication strategies, prioritizing the SIL’s emotional support system over immediate comfort?
Here’s how people reacted:
“SIL. This has nothing to do with attraction to your friend. Your friend has been sexually harassing and touching my husband against his direct consent. He came to me shaken because of how uncomfortable your guest made him feel in his own home by touching him. You and I both know that he doesn’t like being touched by people he is not comfortable with. What’s sexist here is that you think that is 100% acceptable of your friend to do to someone else, let alone to a married man who has no interest in her what-so-ever. If you want to meet your friend, you can meet her outside of our home. But she is not allowed back. Period. I am big on woman activism, but that doesn’t mean I am against it for men. Just as I actively disagree with sexual harassment for women, the same goes for men as well. If I find out you let her back here after how uncomfortable she made your brother through her sexual harassment, I will serve you an eviction notice. I am not going to be painted as a sexist asshole for protecting my husband from your terrible friend. It’s okay if that’s the kind of company you want to keep, but I and my husband (and he should tell her this too) do not want to.”
*Edit – made some edits to drive my point home. Get her out and do not feel bad for a single solitary second.
She’s making you uncomfortable. She’s making him uncomfortable. You absolutely have the right to say she’s not wanted in the house. Calling you sexist because you don’t want someone around that upsets 100% of the people that actually own the house… Is just a dick move.
Also you didn’t take away her support system. If this woman is as good of a friend as you say, then your SIL can go meet her somewhere that your husband isn’t present. If the friend is just using your SIL as an excuse to see your husband… That doesn’t sound like the kind of person anyone should be relying on for support.
You’re not sexist, you’re rational and have common sense – they on the other hand seem to be suffering with toxic femininity and misandry… You’d think your SIL would be more concerned about her brother being treated like that too
Edit: using more fitted terminology
Your husband is being *aggressively* sexually harassed in his own home.
But it kind of sounds like the friend might have been imagining/fantasizing that your husband was into it, and likely talked about it that way to SIL. If SIL has been hearing this unreality for a while, then her reaction to *your* reaction makes more sense.
I hope you and your husband are able to set her straight. It would be great if she reconsidered this “friend.”
Set boundaries. No more friend sleep overs, or go to the extend of no more friends over to your house. If they want to meet they can do it outside at a cafe or somewhere. She clearly crossed the line and at this point feel comfortable taking advantage of your kindness.
If she doesn’t agree, this might sound harsh but kick her out. Don’t jeopardize your marriage and sanity. Your house your rules.
You are NOT being a sexist asshole.
She’s trying to grab your husbands attention through sexual means and that’s a completely different issue than just clothing.
She’s undressing and trying to touch him.
You have every right to tell your SIL she isn’t allowed over anymore.
Friend was the asshole when she kept hitting on someone that was clearly uninterested. She was an asshole to your spouse by not respecting his personal space and an asshole to your SIL by risking her current living situation.
Friend can leave and never come back.
Protect your husband if you can.
Curious though… is this same friend a contributing reason for why her marriage didn’t progress as planned? Did she pull this on SIL’s ex?