AITA for asking my current wife to stop body shaming my ex-wife ?

The original poster (OP), a 45-year-old man, is currently married to his second wife, aged 29. This marriage took place a few years after his divorce from his first wife, aged 47. The OP notes a difference in physical appearance between the two women, stating he is thin while his current wife is heavier, and his ex-wife is heavier than both of them, though he personally prefers a partner to be on the heavier side.

The conflict arose because the OP’s current wife has repeatedly called the ex-wife “fat” in a negative way. When the OP asked his wife to stop this body shaming, she reacted by accusing him of still being in love with his ex-wife, leading the OP to question if his insistence on protecting his ex from insults while affirming his love for his current wife makes him the asshole.

AITA for asking my current wife to stop body shaming my ex-wife ?

I (45m) married my 2nd wife (29f) a few years after my ex-wife (47f) divorced me. I’m thin while current wife is on the heavier side but my ex-wife is much heavier than her. I honestly prefer a woman to be on the heavier side.

My wife has referred to my ex as “fat” multiple times, in a derogatory manner.

I asked my wife to stop body shaming my ex, and my wife accused me of still loving my ex. I love my wife but my ex is a good person and the mother of my children. I want my wife to know I love her but I don’t want to hear anyone insulting my ex.

Am I the asshole ?

Here’s how people reacted:

Affectionate-Tax7816

NTA. Good for you for standing up for your ex-wife. You don’t have to be in love with someone to have respect for them.
People can be nasty in this world. I’m a heavier woman, 280lbs, 19, and chronically ill with a metabolic disorder. I used to work w a guy who would ALWAYS talk shit, saying stuff like “if you were skinny, you would be really cute and i would date you” or “when are you going to stop the bulk” and random shit like that. It was so annoying and frustrating. People can’t see past your size for whatever reason. I’ve just given up until I can find a sweet guy who respects me lmao

Usual_Bumblebee_8274

Nta. And good for you! Your wife is a bully. There is NO REASON she should be talking negatively about the mother of your children. Ever (unless justified- and even that is questionable). I certainly hope she isn’t doing in front of your children (that’s a no go for me). It has nothing to do w being in love w her- it’s about respecting her as a person & as the mother of your children. Even divorced, you still have a bond- you created lives together- a family. And ironically- she’s putting her down for being big when she isn’t exactly small herself.

athryn101

So NTA but sounds like your new wife may have some insecurities. I can sympathise with her as you and your ex had this whole life before she ever came along. I know what that feels like at her age. The best you can do is keep reminding her of your feelings for her (current wife) and that your ex is still a part of your life and always will be because of children.
If she can’t handle that, well, maybe re-evaluate. Remember jealousy plays no good role in a healthy relationship.

yikesmysexlife

NTA. Body shaming anyone is not a trait I want in a partner. Doesn’t matter who it’s towards, but directing it towards someone I care about would really erode the esteem I held for them.

I think you should hold the line of not tolerating disrespect towards your ex. There is no reason to be disrespectful or mean towards anyone. If she feels insecure about her place in your life, there are healthier, more secure, more collaborative and loving ways to address that.

Ok-Region-8207

NTA and well done for not letting current wife disrespect the mother of your children, that’s how you need to put it to her and make sure she understands. Your ex wife’s most significant title and role is mother of your children and children come before anyone and you won’t have your children hurt because your current wife likes to boost her confidence by putting their mom down, hopefully they have never heard her talk like this.

friedrice33

NTA- it sounds like your current wife is a bit jealous. Her age could be a contributing factor since she’s not at the same maturity level as you. You might need to have a stern talk with her to explain that your ex is going to be a part of your life for the foreseeable future since you have a kid with her. Hopefully she will keep her comments to her self and play nice to keep everyone happy.

Beginning_Local3111

“You are my wife and you are my number two priority after the kids, but it hurts me when you bad-mouth my ex because she’s the mother of my kids and she deserves some respect. Now, I can’t do anything about it if you still go on commenting on her body size or whatever, but it does make me see you in a different light. Not a good one.”

Final-Sector4401

Don’t know why you’re getting downvoted for this one, you’re NTA. It is a very honorable and respectful thing to remain on good terms with your ex-wife and to treat her with kindness. Just because you two are no longer married doesn’t mean you magically have to start hating her and start being a jerk to her.

Future-Profession390

NTA. I think your wife is very insecure and hearing you defend your ex, who as you said is the mother of your children, really set her off. You aren’t in love with your ex, you just don’t want the mother of your children to be insulted at every turn. I think that’s admirable.

c0nfus3d4lif3

Omg. The age gap! Dude. That’s wild.. a lot of people in that age range have not fully matured in the right manner.. What all have you said to your current partner about your ex? I think there’s some information missing that can add more light to this issue. Just my 3 cents..

SmellOne406

Your current wife sounds immature. She needs to understand that she should be thankful that her predecessor is a good person and mother to OPs children that she deserves this level of respect from OP. Wouldn’t she want to be treated with respect if the tables were turnt? NTA

Jodenaje

NTA

Your wife is being immature. Her comments could be damaging to her relationship with your children if they pick up on her nasty attitude towards their mother.

On the bright side, karma will get her when she hits perimenopause though. 😂

Emergency-Kale5033

Ask her why she’s in competition with your EX wife ? Ask her what her insecurity is about her. Wife needs to grow up. This isn’t necessary or helpful and I hope she never says anything derogatory in front of your kids.

jessesgirlstaciesmom

You are NTA but your current wife still is. I’m petty and would say something along the lines of “that body you’re shaming brought my children into this world what is your excuse?” But I doubt that’ll go over well.

Few_Aardvark6159

Your wife is an AH. She has no business talking about body of mother of your children and woman nearly two decades senior to her. Also this could negatively impact your relationship with your kids if you let her.

Goobsgal

NTA. You are a good person. I think your current wife has some insecurities. That said, when someone harms you, you resort to the name calling and I get that. But that does NOT sound like the situation here.

Busy_drunk

Ntah. You’re current wife shouldn’t be bad mouthing the mother of your children. Hopefully, she doesn’t do it in front or within earshot of your children because that would be unforgivable.

LarsVonC

Your current wife is clearly confusing respect with love. PTB.
You are right to ask him to respect the mother of your children, there is no debate.

sparktoratah

NTA. It’s just basic human decency. I do think your wife has feelings about the whole situation that she’s not fully upfront about

Electrical-Cut-793

I am 44. I can’t even begin to comprehend dating someone in their 20s let alone marry a person so much younger than myself.

Disastrous-Today3394

Respecting the mother of your kids isn’t about love it’s about basic decency, and your wife should understand that.

seth-in-space

You could’ve legally picked your wife up from the hospital as a newborn with your newly acquired Drivers License!

lychee246

NTA. Wanting basic respect for the mother of your kids isn’t about loving her, it’s about not tolerating cruelty.

your-yogurt

is she saying that shit in front of your kids? ill *never* forgive anyone who treats my mother like that

DesperateLobster69

Ew, why would you marry a fucking childish *loser*?!?!? Tell fatty to stop being so jealous of your ex.

Ancient-Childhood-47

Maybe you should have married an adult, instead of an insecure, self centered child !

MedicineChess

NTA. But you married someone half your age…. Are you sure you’re comparable

DistantDiamondSky98

Why’d you go for someone more than 15 years younger the second time around?

TryinNotToGetBanned

NTA. your wife is jealous that she doesn’t have children with you.

mhizlesleyy

NTA this is super unhealthy talking about exes like this.

Plankton-Brilliant

Sounds like you married a child, my dude. Maturity wise.

enragedCircle

Tell her those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

motherofachimp99

NTA – your wife is exposing her insecurities.

Cybermagetx

Nta. I couldn’t stay with someone like that.

Equal-Flatworm-378

NTA, your wife sounds very insecure.

ReaditReadaMomma

NTA. It’s about basic respect.

Conclusion

The central conflict revolves around the OP’s desire to maintain respect for his ex-wife, who is the mother of his children, while simultaneously reassuring his current wife of his love and commitment. The OP feels caught between defending a non-present party from insults and managing his current wife’s insecurity, which manifests as an accusation that defending the ex implies lingering romantic feelings.

The core question is whether the OP was wrong (an asshole) for asking his current wife to stop insulting his ex-wife, despite the current wife interpreting this request as evidence of unresolved feelings for the ex. Should the OP prioritize protecting the ex from derogatory language, or should he have focused solely on validating his current wife’s feelings and ignoring the insults directed externally?