Look, it sucks what she did and it was hurtful and selfish if she truly had no reason. But you don’t have the full story yet. One day your younger kids are going to find out about her and will judge you love as conditional if you turn your back on her at this time. Absolutely, how she cut you off without explanation was brutal and I’m sorry you had to go through that, but you ARE her one and only mother. You don’t know if she had reasons you still aren’t aware of (eg manipulative husband, mental health collapse). Regardless, you deserve and explanation and apology. A more appropriate and mature response to this would have been to tell her how much her actions hurt you. That you’re sorry to hear that things are hard for her right now but she can’t just waltz back in as if nothing has happened between you and expect you to support her without some major relationship repair on her end starting with a full explanation of why she cut you out, followed by a genuinely remorseful apology. Those are conditions toward repair. To turn your back on your own child during their lowest time is a dark and bitter thing to do. We must be there for our children even when they hurt us and make mistakes. Tell her how she hurt you and how trust needs to be rebuilt and once you see accountability on her end, you’ll be ready to talk. To turn your back on her when she is alone is cruel to those grand babies, who need your support. That doesn’t mean you have to give her money necessarily – there are many ways you could support her after she has made suitable efforts toward reparation. You could make time in your life to get to know your grandchildren – what a gift! – and offer to babysit while your daughter works, for example. But to tell your kid to never do contact you again without at least allowing her to set things right is cruel and immature imho! So yes, YTA.

I was with you until the line about having no emotional ties to your grandkids and everything that follows… disturbing! And just WOW about how you handled that first conversation. You show a deep lack of empathy and I wonder the environment in which your daughter truly grew up. You’re callous, and MEAN (laughing at her need and desperation!) Your ego seems greater than your love for your daughter. You have this whole tit for tat, two wrongs are gonna make a right, woe is me- mentality for your daughter! Her first sentence to you is a desperate cry for help and your reaction is “where’s my apology?” “Why isnt she taking care of MY emotions” when she’s probably going through one of the worst things a young mother can experience, deep worry over how she will take care of her children. Are you not even curious what would make her go nc??!! Because you know what makes people go NC- trauma! How about helping her heal and attempting to forgive?

How about you table your resentment for a hot minute and try to reestablish a loving and supportive relationship with your daughter? People don’t go no contact for no reason.

In my early 20s I went no contact with my mother for a few years, and looking back I was just young and stupid. I didn’t really have the tools to process the feelings I had so it was easier to just run away. My mother welcomed me back with wide open arms, and we were closer than I ever imagined impossible after we talked through and worked through our issues. It made us both better people as well. But that takes a lot of work. That takes building a ton of trust. And you start that by being kind!

I’m not saying she wasn’t wrong for what she did but to not even attempt a relationship fix or offering support, love, forgiveness…. Not even showing a shred of relief or happiness that there’s an opportunity to be together again YTA

Can I offer another perspective? I was in an abusive relationship with my ex-husband. Slowly, he destroyed me to the point that he isolated me from my friends and family. He would sit beside me and watch me cry bc I couldn’t answer my father’s phone calls.

First, it was emotional and verbal, then escalated to physical. And it amped up 10000 percent after I got married. My ex told me that I was his now and we had no use for my family. When I wanted to reach out, he would lock me in the basement and tell the kids I was gone visiting.

It might not be the same scenario, but I wanted to offer you another view. I never told my family what was happening until it was too late. Your daughter could be using the cheating as a way to try to be vulnerable enough in hopes you accept her back.

As a mother, it hurts to see your kids suffering, but as a human being, it fucking sucks when your kids hurt you. I always said, noone can hurt my feelings except my kids. However, that being said, I would talk to your kids and husband and have a real good discussion about what you want and what’s best for you.

There are a lot of hurt feelings, and before you can process any notions of reunification or even separation, you have to take care of yourself. There are little ones at home, and you have to be the best for THEM.

You are right to feel everything you do, but please don’t act like your daughter don’t exist, one day your kids are going to find out and they’ll be saddened to learn you hid this from them.

So I have some trouble with believability with this story.
There’s definitely more to it than we’re being told.
Nobody cuts off anybody for no reason so she had a reason we’re just not finding it out here. If you were a victim of abuse sometimes those kinds of Dynamics are generational and I’m going to suspect that’s what might have occurred to your daughter. I’m not only reading your responses but the energy behind them and there’s a lot of anger and rage there and you’re presenting one very pristine part of your relationship but that anger makes me think there’s a lot more pain and hurt involved in terms of your dealings with your daughter especially since you’re so willing to cut her off and usually that does fall on the side of a narcissistic parent.

Your daughter saying that you owe her, I’m telling you it’s not about the money, something’s happened to her and you don’t want to know. And she doesn’t feel safe enough to tell you.

Look at the level where you have I wouldn’t feel safe to tell you

This was a heartbreaking story because I don’t hear any love from a mother, just retaliation.

Are you the ah.
Healthy answer would be only you can answer that.

– I can relate very well as I haveno contact with my 3 kids created by a divorce over 34 yrs ago. I made the mistake of not exposing my ex-wife’s infidelity for the “sake” of the kids. My exwife married the guy a while later and he was a millionaire, She used the money and position to pretty much as lever with creating this situation between myself and my 3 kids. They have been adults for 25-30 years and made near zero effort with any response to mu communications and efforts I put forth for 25years.
– If any of them were to show up on my doorstep, they are not there for me at all but seeking some form of absolution. I will simply tell them go see a priest. You all wasted decades with mostly silence. I never had a sitdown conversation with those 3 basically ever and really do not plan to at this point.
– and yes, we can be clueless in why they took the approach they all did….and at this stage in my life, I do not care any more
– do not let uncaring kids manipulate you as that is all it is. Once they get what they want, they will disappear again out of your life.

Your daughter cut contact after getting married, and got cheated on and is left with the kids. I understand you are upset that she is reaching out now. HOWEVER pay attention to these red flags. Abusers often isolate people from their families, convincing them to not contact the family and make efforts to make the victim’s family hate the victim. And often times, the abuser seems like the perfect angel with high charisma. I see you wrote that you are convinced he didn’t abuse her. You don’t know until you ask her. And the fact he cheated on her is RED FLAG.

Before you cut off your daughter, PLEASE reach out to her and ask her what happened. She did not choose to be born to you, but you chose to keep her. If needed, please go through a therapist that is an expert in family reconciliation. A professional would help you the most and will be an impartial party that can guide a difficult conversation with your daughter.

Wish you all the best.

NTA

YTA for cutting her off.

This just screams abuse, like her husband isolated her especially when it happened after they were married (and he had her ‘locked down’). If she’s escaped violence and she has kids then it would make sense that she’s not thinking clearly but is desperate to make sure her kids are ok hence why she naught not be immediately considerate of you.

As a mother I just don’t understand how you couldn’t put more effort into supporting her even if it’s not by sending her money. How could you not try to find out what happened for her to cut you off?

If everything was truly good with your relationship before then the most likely explanation for your daughter cutting you off is an outside force that could have been harming her far more than whatever hurt it caused you. Why aren’t you concerned for her welfare?

I’m curious if she was abused during the relationship. Abusers isolate their victims and it could be a reason for the sudden cut off because you and your husband was a threat to his control. However, her seeking financial help with not an apology, an explanation, etc shows an entitlement that is usually not seen in the abused.

You guys coddled her to try to protect her. Unfortunately, this sense of security morphed into entitlement to whatever she wants of you. How is she going to take care of her kids? It’s called child support and working like many other women who are divorced.

You were not wrong, her approach and lack of remorse is more than off-putting. It was insulting. Are you and you and your family supposed to fade in the background again to take care of her? Absolutely not!

NTA

You did a huge mistake by postponing to have a family until your daughter was 18. Maybe she grew up thinking she was the one and only for you. idk.

If it were me I would’ve invited her for a coffee to have a conversation heart to heart. I know it must’ve been awful to have her been NC for 6 years but I wouldn’t have given up yet. If there was really a reason, or if there weren’t, I would’ve tried to re conciliate our relationship but not yet give her money. She should regret what she did and behave adequately.

I have a baby girl and I cannot imagine raising her for all those years and then give up on her like in your situation. People go to therapy for their partner, so I would go to therapy with my kid too if it was necessary. Ofc all this if the child is conscious of what they did.

NTA. She cut you off but kept contact with her grandparents. Also, she’s your adult child. Keyword being adult. The fact that she called and felt entitled to your wallet with no explanation is very entitled. Even if she was being absused (which i feel she was in some way based on that suspicious phone call or tsxt), she didn’t lead with that. She lead with financial help over some kids you dont know. And if she came back with the abuse story, i wouldnt believe her. But thats just me. Ultimately, choices have consequences. This is her consequence.
These adults fail to realize, once you are out on your own, im not obligated to help you. That’s a bonus. And cutting me off, with no explanation for almost a decade is a sure fire way to ensure i dont.

I think you have every right to be extremely hurt by the events and how she’s handled it, but you handled this poorly. She’s a young woman whose whole life just flipped and this was a big opportunity for you to show grace, teach her how to repair relationships, and to be her mother. You didn’t have to drop everything and send her all your money just because she asked. If that’s how you spoke to her after missing her for 6 years, I wouldn’t be surprised that there’s likely more to this story about how she was treated as a teenager. Not many people go no contact for no reason. I can’t imagine my grown child coming to be at their lowest point and just rubbing it in their face that this is what they chose. Reflect and do better for your other kids.

NTA. But hear me out. It’s just a couple of questions, no judgement.

At the end of the day, of your life, you need to be able to look yourself in the eye and be able to say that you have no regrets.

Are you absolutely sure that not protecting and helping what still is your own flesh and blood and your grandchildren, is the best choice? A choice you now think you might not regret at the end of your life?

Are you absolutely sure that this isn’t the moment to take a giant step and be that bigger person and renew the contact, strictly under your conditions?

I ask this without judgement because i’d chose to take a leap of faith, albeit very much restricted and under my conditions.

Stay strong!

I feel like we need the other side of this.

“For thirteen years, Benz respected my decision and, despite being childfree…”

He was not, in fact, child free. He had a step daughter.

I’ll guarantee things were as rosy as you make it seem in your post.

That doesn’t mean she comes crawling back for money, she should have stayed no contact.

That is, unless she was being abused and her husband made her do it to control her, in which, you kind of dropped the ball on not seeing the abuse and stopping it if that is true.

Overall, I’m not going to make a judgement because it feels like you’re stacking the deck in the post to make yourself look better

I am NC with my mother I have 40 decades of vailed reasons

I have told her them

She pretends they don’t exist.

For example:

When I have just given birth almost died and has a emergency c section and was in the hospital she visited and said “ugh your so fat your husband is going to leave you” – I heard he heard and the nurses heard – she claimed she never said that and then told my husband who was in the door way behind that I was lying.

She honestly believe she never said that.

I would tell her unless she can give you a reason you won’t engage. But listen to her reasons .

Maybe asks that number that texted you why they say that??

Wow, this sounds pretty brutal. I mean sure you don’t have to give financial support or wholeheartedly accept her back right away, but surely a mother should want to be open to rekindling a relationship with her child and meeting her grandchildren? Especially if the relationship was so strong in the first place, as you claim. Your response alone makes me doubt how good the relationship actually was growing up, let alone the fact she went NC.

Also, what if she was being controlled by her ex-husband? Abusers typically try and separate ppl from their family and support structures.

YTA simply because you want to be right. You are confrontational to any opinion that doesn’t validate yours and completely dismissing options like abuse or alienation. It’s interesting that you’re not seeing the timeline of the no contact and your wish to not have more children until after your daughter was grown and her feelings that you replaced her. You definitely don’t owe her money and I am not advocating that. But I am advocating to keep the line of communication open. You should also consider therapy.

OP – sounds like you do not actually believe in unconditional love. I would never, ever ignore my children, even if I was hurt beyond belief by something they did. I really suspect this is fake because you write like a 17-yo talking about her bestie who, like, totally blew you off for the summer and you will never, ever forgive them! Your only child disappears from your life and your response is “eh, screw her. I’ll have more kids….” What is wrong with you?

Something else happened here. You’re either lying about her life with you before she married or her husband abused her and made her cut contact immediately after the wedding.

You only tried for 2 years before forgetting her and moving on with your replacement kids? Closing yourself off from your innocent grandchildren? Yeah you’re some piece of work coming here all sanctimonious. I see right through you and there’s no love in your heart.

YTA
.

NTA

Considering the warning message, I wonder if she was the one who cheated and her husband left bc of it and she spun the story to your old in-laws.

Either way, if there was absolutely no missing reasons you have left out for the no contact then NTA. She ruined the relationship and it sounds like she just wants money, not to actually rebuild what she broke.

NTA. But I would really set up an iron clad will to protect your other children. If you pass away suddenly she could take them to court to try to claim inheritance money or contest any current wills. Talk to a lawyer for advise.

Also make sure if you and hubby pass away that you have it in place who will take custody of your children.

Something seems to be missing from the story here. The tone you’re speaking about your daughter with is really vindictive and shocking tbh. Kind of weird that you’d wait until she’s old enough to have kids of her own, to have more kids yourself. It’s definitely giving ‘narcissistic mother who always tries to compete with daughter’.

Did her husband have anything to do with you being cut off? I wonder if that is why she called you once they broke up. I wish she would explain her actions. I don’t think you are wrong. I also think you could maybe work things out and have a relationship in the future.

I will be in the minority here, but you were cut off for a reason (I’m not automatically blaming YOU). I’d want to know why before making any decisions. This is, after all, your baby.

Otherwise, you are both adults, and you are entirely in the right.

Nothing is making sense here. Who sent you that text? She made a big speech about you and her step dad at the wedding and then cut you off shortly after? Did something happen between her and step dad between the wedding and the cut off?

She cut you off for six years without explanation, and now expects financial help with no apology. 

You don’t owe her anything. She needs to take responsibility for her actions first.

“I ask me ex mother-in-law to convey my support to Nelly”
What exactly did you mean by this statement, because it doesn’t seem like you’ want to offer any type of support at all.
YTA

People in abusive relationships are often manipulated into cutting off their family, to isolate them and make it so that the victim becomes more dependent on their abuser.

NTA

I am concerned about the cryptic message you received???

Did her husband leave because she was the actual cheater, or some other horrible reason?

Who sent you that random text? Did you continue to stay in contact your in-laws? Did your daughter ever tell them why she chose not to talk to you?

theres something missing about this story, and waiting to have more kids once she was 18 was probably not the best thing to do

did she give a speech about u at her wedding becuase u only mention she gave a heartfelt speech about her step dad benz.

NTA – if she didn’t need money, she would never have contacted you. It’s your bank account she wants to reconnect with.

Nta. Even if you were bad mother. That doesn’t mean good children can come and demand things. It goes both ways

She’s living in FAFO world. She did this to herself. Zero apologies or even greetings. Zero explanation.

NTA

Did she cut you right after she got married? Because maybe her ex wanted to isolate her from her support ?

So her cheating husband sent you a text that says you’ll be smart enough not to let her back in? Why?

Sorry, I don’t believe any post that starts with “my child went no contact and I have no idea why”.

Assuming the whole no contact for no reason isn’t BS NTA

YTA because there is obviously missing information.