During a recent visit to her parents’ home, the narrator’s sister began criticizing her marriage and parenting choices, suggesting that the narrator’s concern for her appearance (makeup, hair, nails) meant she was not providing the ‘proper care and attention’ required of a mother and wife. When the narrator became angry at the public criticism, she retorted by bringing up the sister’s divorce, leading to a major argument where the sister was ultimately asked to leave by their father. Now, the sister is sending long messages claiming the narrator is the sole problem (AH), leaving the narrator angry and unsure how to proceed.
I (30F) had my first baby 8 months ago and am already back to work. I own several beauty salons with my husband and we both agreed that when our child is born, we will rely on the help of a nanny that we have known for years so I can continue working.
Our baby boy is very happy, we the parents are also very happy and life is great overall.
Last week my sister (35F) came by our house to drop something and she happened to come just when I was returning from work. Nothing out of the ordinary happened and I assumed everything was cool.
Yesterday we went to our parents place to have a cup of coffee and agree on some things for the Christmas dinner and my sister started making comments that she feels so bad that my husband and son are lacking ‘the proper care and attention’ a wife and a mother should give to her family.
She was telling this to my husband in front of me and our parents. I did not have a chance to say anything because my husband told her he and our son are not lacking anything and asked her where she got that idea from.
My sister explained that last week when she came to our house and I was just returning from work, she saw how I looked, that I had make up on, my hair was done, my nails were perfect and it showed that I was very concerned about superficial things instead of being a good mother and wife.
Husband said her remarks are just plain stupid since I have always been like this, this is part of my identity and if I look good and am concerned with my looks it does not mean I am not a good wife or mother.
My sister continued saying that as parents who have a boy we should be concerned the example we give to him because he has to learn to appreciate women for other qualities other than looks.
She even said my husband has no idea what he is talking about because he doesn’t know what he is missing out yet.
I was already angry at this point so I asked her if that was the case, why did her husband leave her? She pays no attention to her looks, based on her messed up ideas she has all the qualities of a dedicated wife and mother but still her ex husband left her and willingly wanted to miss out her perfect ass.
She started crying and shouting and dad kicked her out. Mom was trying to make us both apologise but dad was not having it and asked her to leave.
Today my sister sends me a novel explaining all the reasons why I am the AH. She claims it was cruel of me to mention her ex husband leaving her when she was just worried for her brother in law and nephew.
She claims I am the AH because dad kicked her out of their house yesterday and is taking my side. I have not responded to her message yet because I am still angry. I admit I may have been cruel to her but she was insulting me ao she had it comming.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) finds herself in a conflict stemming from her sister’s unsolicited and harsh judgment regarding her choices as a working mother and her focus on appearance. While the OP admits her final response—bringing up the sister’s divorce—was cruel, she feels it was a justified reaction to the public and deeply personal insults she received.
The central question is whether the sister’s initial critique about maternal duty and appearance warranted such a severe, retaliatory response concerning her marital history. Readers must weigh the boundary violation and insult committed by the sister against the severity of the OP’s counter-attack and subsequent family fallout.
Here’s how people reacted:
Your response (and anger) was justified! She has a HUGE amount of gall to claim that YOU can’t possibly be able to make a man happy or appropriately care for your child when SHE obviously wasn’t successful at the first aspect (you don’t mention any children). I think your Father’s decision to tell your Sister to leave because she was starting drama **was the correct move!** Sister got exactly what she deserved.
Since your Mother is pushing for reconciliation, I would tell your Mom that she needs to seriously recommend **therapy** for your Sister because it seems like she has some deep-seated issues regarding her divorce and your success. Was your Sister ALWAYS a dramaLlama or is this a recently developed behavior?
I (61/F) definitely wouldn’t apologize… **YOU didn’t start it!** You just adroitly **”finished it!**
**NTA!** Your Sister needs to learn “Don’t dish it out if you’re not prepared to **eat it!**
I wonder if your sister’s ex made comments such as ‘I wish you would put more effort into your appearance, for example like your sister does’ and her attacking you on this very topic is a way for her to rationalise that she is not to blame for the break down in her own marriage? You then pushed the point she is most vulnerable to (her lack of effort), which in turn unleashed her creative writing skills.
In any case, give your sister some space – don’t indulge her need to vent and tear others down to feel better about herself.
Also set some clear boundaries with your mother – this is a dispute between you and your sister, and you will resolve it (or not) on your own terms, but given your sister’s current state you will go LC/NC until she is able to treat you and your husband with decency and respect.
But I would not recommend retaliation against your sister in writing your own novel – that will only make the rift larger. Leave her be to recover her good manners and re-engage once she has done so.
>Today my sister sends me a novel explaining all the reasons why I am the AH.
Wow! She just *really doesn’t stop*, does she? Ok– with the evidence of the book– the YTA-light has switched to you are NTA. Sorry, but no normal human could deal with that level of AH on your sisters part.
I think we all know why her husband left her. She probably acted like this with him. She’s a confirmed AH and the type no one could possibly live with.
>She claims I am the AH because dad kicked her out of their house yesterday and is taking my side.
You know… there is probably more to this. She is probably also trying to tear him apart for no good reason too.
You need to sigh and recognize there is *something wrong with your sister*.
Your sister sounds awful. She was jealous, plain and simple. You have everything, and she felt inadequate by comparison. Instead of going to therapy like the rest of us, she lashed out in the most passive aggressive fashion imaginable. Her behavior was unacceptable, and going LC or NC would be very understandable in your situation.
But you let her bait you into saying something cruel and nasty, and you know it. You’re better than that. Don’t sink to her level.
Bottom line, live your life and be happy. She said hateful things to you without a thought. You just asked a pointed question! The truth hurts….its that simple.
Your sister is a massive AH. IMO, your response was overly harsh. She didn’t deserve your kindness but you probably should have shown her some grace anyway.
You have built a marriage based on a full on partnership. You are both contributing in all facets of your shared life. You both raise your kids. You both earn income. You both are saving for the future. You both are taking care of yourselves physically which is a positive thing too.
You also have a Salon Business, which by it very nature is based on appearances.
As long as your Husband and Son are happy that’s what counts, tell your Sister to butt out and focus on her life, rather than pass judgement on yours.
She got exactly what she deserved with that comment. As someone who is petty af, I applaud your response!
She has no reason to act all superior. Now obviously I don’t know her or what happened in her marriage, but maybe things would have been different if she’d had a life or identity outside of wife & mother!
Either way… reeks of jealousy and you are 100% NTA.
She opened up Pandora’s box and you closed it.
It reminds me of when my boss wanted me to travel a lot and gave me advice on how to “manage my wife.”
I listened and then responded, “Aren’t you divorced twice?”. He laughed and then said, “Never mind.
Some people who are unhappy just want everyone around them to be unhappy too. Her marriage failed, so perhaps she wants yours to fail as well. She likely sees your life and success as a judgement on her own life.
Well done stomping out the disrespect.
And Props to pops for putting his foot down.
NTA
Is she secretly in love with your husband? If this is not the case, she is definitely jealous of you. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.