While the cheating was difficult to move past, the failure to disclose the STD made the betrayal unforgivable, leading the original poster (OP) to feel that anyone in her family should not even be friends with him. After moving on and marrying someone else, the OP’s sister (27F) recently asked for her blessing to date Jason, claiming he had changed, which resulted in the OP completely cutting off contact. The OP is now questioning if her strong reaction and subsequent harshness toward her sister were justified.
I (28f) was with a guy called Jason (29m) when we were 20/21 years old. We broke up when I was 22 after I’d found out he had not only cheated on me, but knew he contracted an STD from sleeping around and didn’t tell me.
He had known about it and he was told he needed to speak to any sexual partners because of the risks associated with this STD to fertility and he said nothing.
I remember when I told my family what had happened they were all there to support me and my sister (27f) was one of them.
I did move on and I met my husband a year after breaking up with Jason. And thankfully I was able to get pregnant and we have a baby together. But I never forgot about the fact Jason did what he did.
Cheating was bad enough but you can move on. The STD was where it became not only unforgivable but I would have taken issue with anyone in my family even becoming friends with him after that point.
But then three months ago my sister asked me if I would be okay with her dating Jason. She told me she didn’t want to lose me but they had met again after several years and she liked him and he’d changed.
I walked away from my sister without saying a word and she started dating Jason officially. Though when she came to me like she did and asked me like she did, I would guess they had been unofficial before that point and not just friendly.
I have shut my sister out of my life and she has not been allowed to come and meet my child. The rest of the family stands me and what I decided but they have not shut her out of their lives.
Which is totally fine and not an issue for me. But my sister doesn’t like that and she has tried to get in touch with me several times and has cried and asked me to hear her out and to talk to her.
The fact I have run into her once since and I ignored her. She was talking to me but I acted like she was a ghost I couldn’t see or hear.
So she ambushed me at my house the other day and told me she doesn’t want to lose me and she’ll break up with Jason if I stop ignoring her and we can go back to being sisters. I told her she lost me the second she even considered dating him.
I told her I might not have known about it in that moment but once I heard she wanted to date him, knowing what he did to me, it was over.
She’s crying about it now and our family are refusing to hear her cries about it. My baby sister (24) told me she’s trying to get the rest of the family to confront me about it but nobody will.
She does think our sister is genuinely hurt about this but she feels like it’s her own fault. And I agree. But I know what I said to her might still be overly harsh because even thinking about it without acting on it would have led to this, which might be wrong of me.
So I’m here to ask AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster is experiencing a conflict between protecting herself from the pain associated with her ex-partner’s extreme betrayal and maintaining a relationship with her sister, who chose to pursue a relationship with that same individual despite knowing the history. The OP has taken a firm boundary by cutting off contact, which she feels is necessary for her own well-being, even though her sister is now deeply hurt and seeking reconciliation.
Given the severity of the ex-partner’s past actions—which included deliberate concealment of an STD that carried fertility risks—was the OP’s decision to instantly sever ties with her sister the right choice to uphold personal boundaries, or was it an overly harsh response that unfairly punished the sister for dating someone who the OP believes cannot be redeemed?
Here’s how people reacted:
All that is bad enough, but the fact that she crept about meeting him and began dating him without mentioning anything makes it worse. She didn’t speak to you about it before anything happened to see how you’d feel, she basically went, “Hey OP, you know that guy who broke your heart and jeopardised your health all so that he could bang other women? Well, I’m banging him now! We’re totally a couple! Isn’t it great? He’s totally changed, so you’re going to be cool with this, right?”
The damage was done the moment she decided to get involved with him in any way. She made it clear that he and his wandering penis were more important than you, your feelings, and her relationship with you. I have to ask, what do you think she expected with this? Is she normally this thick-headed and oblivious?
Despite giving you an std, not telling you about it and cheating on you, she sees him as a catch.
Probably one of those gals that think she can “fix” him. Unfortunately the second you never said anything and walked away, your sister deciding to date him regardless of what he did tells you everything about her character.
She’s not sorry for what she did, she’s sorry she’s suffering consequences for her actions. Whether you want to forgive her and let her back into your life is up to you.
One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t trust her if she decided to go to an ex of yours even if it means hurting you. It’s good your family supports your choice and you also respect them for not cutting them off too, you’ve handled this way better than most other gals.
At the end of the day, your sister chose to date Jason, so she can have him and if you don’t want her anymore then tough shit.
Not the asshole, your sister deserved it.
After the year, tell her you still don’t forgive her, but hopefully by this time Jason has moved on and she has fucked a few guys already so their relationship is ruined.
*However* it’s been 6 years. 6 years of your respective 20s when most people finally mature and become adults. You’ve changed a lot, and hopefully he has too.
Would you really punish your sister and yourself by severing your relationship with her? Don’t you want her to be happy too?
Honestly I’d suggest therapy. I don’t think you are over the trauma of this past relationship. It’s resurfaced, not surprising given the circumstances. Maybe you can find some emotionally healthy compromise.
She tried to talk to you and you treated her like high school girls bullying some unpopular girl.
She tried to apologize and reverse course, not realizing the consequences you never told her would happen, but you said no, too late.
Yeah you had a right to be mad when she first asked you, but you didn’t communicate your opinion with words like an adult. It’s just so immature and frankly toxic behavior. So toxic in fact she’s frankly better off without you in her life.
THAT, would be the respectful thing to do. To just leave you and your family alone. But no. He doesn’t care about what he did to you, and he doesn’t care that it’s causing a rift between you and your sister.
Because at the end of the day he gets to fuck her and have his fun.
While your parents / family is on your side, the fact they tolerate the guy dating your sister and likely has him visit, still boggles my mind.
NTA
But she didn’t. And no one in your family blames you. And no one is calling you an asshole. You only have this in your own head.
Which means, stop being an asshole to yourself for your own thoughts about what might have happened, but didn’t. She made a choice; so did you.
Frankly, kudos to your family for refusing to get in the middle of your despute
You are NTA. She FAFO, and is not happy with the consequences. Oh well, made her bed now she gets to lay in it.
However, I do believe you should forgive her. She learned her lesson! Don’t let Jason win. Not only has he given you STD, but now is making you lose your sister. I know what she did is WRONG, PERIOD, however, she has told you that she’s gonna end that relationship (I MEAN, SHE SHOULD’VE ENDED FIRST, AND THEN ASKED FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS).
Why your sister thinks it’s ok to start dating someone who sexually assaulted you is beyond me.
You’re NTA at all and it sounds like the rest of your family is supportive, so that’s great.
NTA, I hope your sister wisens up quickly and you guys can patch things up. Otherwise, well, actions have consequences
Your sister wanted what she thought you had, and thought she could do better than you.
Being family doesn’t give you a get out of jail free card for deciding to make a bad decision.
Stand on business and live your best life with your husband and baby!!!✌🏾
Why do you care so much what your ex and sister are doing?
NTA
Blood may be thicker than water, but betrayal and ignorance is like concrete.