The poster’s younger sister-in-law (SIL), who became a young mother herself at 17 and chose to raise her child, developed a strong interest in adoption, focusing heavily on anti-adoption literature for her social work studies. The SIL asked the poster for an interview for her assignment, centering questions on regrets, the decision to place the child, and the impact of post-birth contact like skin-to-skin bonding, leading the poster to question if she was wrong to be honest when the answers conflicted with the SIL’s expected narrative.
I (34f) gave birth to a baby boy when I was 20 and I put him up for adoption. I don’t know anything about him and never had any contact with his family or him. This isn’t something I keep secret but I also don’t go into the details frequently either.
My husband’s younger sister (22f) became a young mom at 17. She and her boyfriend considered giving their baby up for adoption but decided to keep their child and raise her. This made SIL passionate about adoption and adoptee rights and birth mother rights.
She fell somewhat down the anti-adoption online rabbit hole. Not to say there aren’t negatives to the industry, there are. But she’s got a lot of wrong ideas.
She’s also a college student and focuses a lot on adoption for her assignments. She wants to be a social worker who helps people keep their kids so adoption becomes a thing of the past.
I’m the only birth mother she knows well enough to ask for an interview and when she asked I said yes.
Her questions focus around a few areas from why I gave “my own baby” up for adoption to what could have changed it and did I have any regrets. She also mentioned some studies about skin to skin and if I could go back would I have held the baby and given him skin to skin with me.
I have zero regrets about giving the baby up for adoption and if I had to remake the choice, I would. This was the only good decision for him. For that reason even though skin to skin has benefits I would not have held him knowing about those.
Had I held him at all I would have kept him and his life would not have been good.
I was not selfless enough to put him first. He would have been abused by my ex-partner and I would have stayed. He would have been living among drugs, sex and all sorts of things with random people coming in and out and I would have stayed.
Keeping him would not have changed that. All it would do is give him more trauma. The person I was back then was not going to change for a baby. I could have been given a free house, free childcare, a job and all kinds of supports and I still would’ve gone back and exposed him.
Therapy wouldn’t have helped either because I never would have taken advantage of it really.
I told her I went from one abusive household (my parents) to another (my ex) and that I was enjoy being rebellious and pissing my parents off. That my ex was everything they hated and they were everything I hated so I clung to my ex.
And because the baby wasn’t his he was never going to accept him.
I told her looking back at me then and knowing how innocent that precious little boy was I would have been a monster for keeping him. I told her even back then I knew I wasn’t going to sacrifice like that for him.
I told her loving and wanting him wasn’t enough. Because I wouldn’t have given him a good life.
SIL argued with me on the point of resources. She said I have no way of knowing if I would have made a better life for us if they was offered. I told her I do know. I told her I know that 20 year old me better than anyone ever will.
And the only life I would have given him would be one full of abuse and neglect. That he never would have been my number one priority. She argued adoption might not have given that to him either but I told her it gave him more of a chance than staying with me did.
She really didn’t like my answers and told me everything I said went against the point of her paper. I told her I couldn’t lie and she asked me why I accepted then. She said I made it seem like adoption is the only option.
I told her because there are times when it is the only option.
She’s mad about it and my husband told her she came to me and was wrong to be mad at me for answering the questions honestly. She said I made her work harder. AITA? And I’m asking because I knew my answers wouldn’t be the kind she wants to write about but I agreed to do this anyway in part to try and open up her mind.
Conclusion
The central conflict stems from the poster’s firm conviction that placing her child for adoption was the only way to ensure his safety from the abusive environment she was living in at 20. Her honest answers, which validated adoption as a necessary option in certain dire circumstances, directly contradicted the ideological stance her sister-in-law needed for her academic work.
The poster agreed to the interview, partially hoping to challenge the SIL’s narrow view, but ended up frustrating her, leading to an accusation that she made the work harder. Was the poster justified in prioritizing factual honesty about her past trauma and decision over accommodating her sister-in-law’s academic requirements, or should she have declined the interview if she knew her perspective would derail the SIL’s research focus?
Here’s how people reacted:
My best friend is a family attorney. She deals with custody and foster care and child abuse cases on a daily basis, upwards of 60 hours per week, including weekends. She has devoted her life to her career over the last decade and as her best friend, I hear a lot of these stories (with personally identifiable information removed). Often times, the birth parents, in situations like the one you were in, are not the best option for that child.
Your sister-in-law has no room to talk since she doesn’t know where your biological son ended up. He could be happy and healthy and have a lot of great opportunities to live a productive and fulfilling life. The life you described would not have given him that. You made the right choice.
Your sister-in-law actually sounds selfish. She’s self-righteous, immature, and unwilling to listen to logic or expand her horizons. She would rather shoot the messenger than do her own research or consider that she might be wrong. That doesn’t fare well for her child.
Real parents make the hard decisions. You might not have raised that boy but you did right by him, you made a selfless choice in giving him up so that he could have a better life than you could provide. That is the ultimate sacrifice, you made the most selfless decision you could have possibly made in your position. You are rational and mature enough to recognize your own shortcomings, understand that you could not give your child what he needed, and let him go so he had a better chance at happiness. If that’s not Mom material, I don’t know what it is. Good for you for making that sacrifice for him and I hope he has a good life, regardless of who is raising him.
Adoption advocates have massive blinders on. They cant separate women and pregnancy. To them every time a pregnancy occurs, a baby must be born – no matter the consequences. Most of these advocates think having children will keep families together, keep marriages happy, siblings are crucial, etc, etc. They have already given this unborn baby a job and its not ok.
No one talks about the trauma of placing for adoption- and trust me, there’s often a lot of unresolved pain with adoption because NO ONE wants to hear about your experience- its all so loving and selfless and aren’t you so happy. No one wants to know if you regret placing the baby (but they love to hear about abortion regrets) and you’ll get CPS called on you if you tell someone you regret having the children you already parent. They’ll say ur a monster! No one wants to hear about birth mom’s worrying if they chose the right family, worry if they are happy, wonder if they’re still alive, etc etc.
and this is his is why its such a personal, private choice and no ones business but yours.
i’d love to talk to ur SIL đ
If anything adoptions should be on the rise, especially of older kids, who end up in homes that are not safe for them, not just of infants. There are tens of millions of couples who want to adopt but cannot due to the way the system works/costs.
NTA.
If I had stayed, I have no doubt Iâd experience even more trauma and abuse at their hands. In my case, adoption was a literal life saver.
She has 0 right judging your choices and other peopleâs choices. Adoption maybe wasnât for her, but that doesnât mean everyone should avoid it.
I canât quote on here but you said you werenât selfless enough to put him first. And I disagree. You gave him a chance. You gave him up for adoption. I am sure it was not an easy decision. I am very glad you seem to have found peace with it.
I see mothers taking their babies into all sorts of environments because they want the cute little newborn. Until itâs not so cute and stinky and doesnât sleep. And then the cycle you described starts. You are very self reflective. Itâs impressive.
Give yourself credit for that.
As someone who went to school for the science and analysis side of psychology, I legitimately hope this person doesn’t end up a social worker, because her attitude is very likely to hurt vulnerable people she encounters.
You’re NTA.
Sometimes, in life, there are no “fun” or “good” choices and you have to choose the one that’s the least terrible.
I’m sorry your SIL is such a biased moron hat she doesn’t understand realities of life and ugly choices that must be made.
She’s writing a paper for school. She should be honest and objective and present both sides. She should also be willing to expand her mind when learning new information — that’s the point of education. Not to reinforce your own preconceived notions.
She’s mad because it doesn’t line up with her worldview. Too bad.
She’s been brainwashed into thinking that only her solution is the correct one.
BTW, you appear to have made a very mature decision at 20.
Sheâs the type of know it all that will leave a kid in an abusive situation in the name of family unity.
Itâs not a stretch to say she could get a child killed.
NTA
Also, former foster parent here. Most of our kids were able to reunify with family, but youâre right; sometimes adoption is the best option.
She needs to see both sides if she’s writing a paper about it. If she is purposefully skewing the data one way she won’t be a very good social worker as she will ignore what doesn’t fit her narrative.
You did the right thing. Maybe she did the wrong thing. Buyer’s remorse.