Despite understanding his battles with mental health and social anxiety, the sting of neglect cut deep, unraveling the fragile threads of forgiveness she clung to. In that empty restaurant, her anger erupted not just from the lateness but from the silent dismissal of her care, leaving their love suspended in the painful void of unreturned calls and unread messages.
I am a 27F attorney, dating a 33M programmer. He’s constantly late for things and has always had problems with keeping track of time. There have been times when we have made plans for a date and he would just go missing in action for hours, only to respond after he was already late.
Given how hectic my work schedule is, I try really hard to set time for him on the weekends and he has often 1. full on not responded when asked about plans 2. has left been waiting alone in restaurants for at least an hour each time.
I know he has mental health issues and has struggled with going out to meet people so I try to be more patient/forgiving but sometimes I do still end up blowing up at him when he is late.
This time it was our anniversary, I found the place, booked in way in advance and got there on time. I texted him asking “hey are you on your way” and he left me on read. After waiting 1 hour, I basically texted him that I was incredibly pissed that he’s doing this again.
I left and he eventually told me that he got there 1.45hours after when we planned to meet. He then called me say that he was really sorry, please come back and that he was really trying.
I lost my temper and yelled at him that he didn’t care about my time, he always leaves me waiting like a dog for when it suits him and that the least he could do was at least WARN ME that he was going to be late.
He said that I didn’t respect him for trying/his mental health and how difficult it was for him to even meet me. He admitted that sometimes, once he’s late he even procrastinates more because he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences of it.
I admit that I am a stickler for time, time is very important to me and now with work, it literally means I can’t do other things because I just spend so much time waiting for him. I am so pissed because it just feels like irresponsibility.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels disrespected and frustrated because her partner consistently shows a lack of consideration for her time, especially during important occasions like their anniversary, despite her efforts to be patient due to his acknowledged mental health struggles.
The core question is whether the OP is justified in demanding punctuality and timely communication about delays, or if the partner’s efforts to manage his mental health and social anxiety necessitate a greater degree of flexibility and forgiveness from the OP regarding scheduling mishaps.
Here’s how people reacted:
I limit the number of friends I have so I don’t disappoint people. My husband and I worked out ways to reduce conflicts about time management so we don’t conflict on the topic. You can figure it out, together, if you’re both willing.
For example, you could find casual places to dine that don’t require reservations, then he texts you once he arrives and you come there at that point, with the caveat that it must be between certain times (say 5pm to 7pm) and that if you get hungry or something comes up you might cancel.
Or you rate a plan on a scale of 1 to 10 and be clear that being late on a date rated 10 is unacceptable, while a 1 is fine if he shows up or not.
You can also just give a time that’s an hour earlier than you mean, then at that time text him you’re running late, is an hour from now OK with him?
It’s a lot easier, I think, when you live together, as you have more overlap in time. But there are many ways to manage it if you both want to. It’s easier if there is no associated anger about it and you can brainstorm ways of coping. I have strategies which include stopping what I’m doing 2 hours in advance and arriving an hour in advance on important events. I also keep a large clock on the wall above my desk with the time 45 minutes off so when I glance at it, it shocks me to see it’s almost time for something important I’ve scheduled, enough to quickly wrap up what I’m doing.
But if you aren’t really that invested in the relationship and can’t figure out how to accommodate your differences on this topic in such a way that you both feel heard and respected, then it is probably best to end the relationship. He’s very unlikely to change.
Him not communicating with you is the problem here. If he’s struggling, he needs to say. If it’s too much and he needs to cancel, he needs to tell you as soon as he realises that; if he still wants to go, he needs to set new expectations for you and himself. Just ignoring your texts and turning up that late is not ‘trying’.
For what it’s worth, everyone around me has worked out how late I tend to be and will tell me meet times that much in advance of the actual booking, which I appreciate despite feeling guilty they have to account for my failures like that. Might be an idea to help him by doing something similar? Meeting up an hour before dinner means if you’re late it’s not as big a deal as meeting up at the reservation time and being late to that, so when you do realise you’ll be running late, it’s not *as* stressful and the spiral doesn’t hit as hard. For me, at least, that works and has improved my ability to timekeep massively, so may be worth discussing with him if he’s willing to try it and see. But he needs to be communicative if he wants help and understanding, that’s solely on him and not really negotiable.
Disrespecting you like that, and then blaming it on mental health, means that he needs to focus on improving his mental health. Until he does, I suggest maybe you shouldn’t subject yourself to this.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Yes, you can have compassion for his mental health issues, but that doesn’t mean you should just be okay with being treated like this. You’re not his mother, and you are not responsible for his mental health issues. You’ve given a lot of leeway, it sounds like, and he doesn’t seem to be improving in how he treats you.
NTA – It’s not unreasonable to expect at least some communication about him being late *before* the agreed time.
You didn’t “stand up” anyone for any anniversary date. You waited *an hour.* He stood *you* up.
As for the yelling? Everyone has their limits. You’ve found yours.
In my estimation, you were not the one ruining *anything* here. He ruined it, and then blamed it on you when you were upset he ruined it. The manipulation makes me cringe.
EDIT: I started out thanking everyone individually for awards, but wow, I have to get offline stuff done, so I’ll have to do a collective **THANK YOU!**
It feels good that you guys appreciate my rambling, and even better that it sparks positive discussion. <3
15 minutes is late. Anything over that is disrespect, especially if they don’t at least give you a heads up.
He might have mental health concerns right now but that doesn’t mean he gets to treat you like this.
The victim trope after he was called out is gross too. He couldn’t just say sorry? He had to go for “you don’t care about my struggles” after HE fucked up? Manipulative little sod.
It’s understandable that people are sometimes late, and some people are always late, but to be late be 1 hour and 45 mins is taking the p\*ss without even letting you know.
Also, how embracing for you to sit there every time waiting for him to turn up and your just left sitting there by yourself.
Tell him that in the future you’ll wait for 15 minutes after the agreed-to time, and then leave.
Then DO IT. No exceptions. Not even if he’s texting you at 14 minutes, saying he’s on his way.
After a time or two of this, IF you don’t back down, he’ll find a way to be better.
He wasn’t even a little late, he was an hour and 45 minutes late. Unless someone is dying, there is literally no excuse for being this late without notifying. And this is coming from someone who is ALWAYS late for everything.
“Hey. I’m going to be late.”
That’s all it takes. Refusing to do so is just disrespectful.
And saying the phrase ‘Mental health’ isn’t just a catch all that allows someone to be a shitty boyfriend and get away with it with no consequence.
Not showing up until almost two hours later for a date isn’t what I would call “late”. I would call it “not going on the date”.
How long have you been dating?