Each child carries a different piece of the pain—an eldest daughter burdened by the cruel truth, a hopeful little girl clinging to dreams of return, and innocent twins and a baby too young to understand the silence. Amidst the turmoil, a father’s love is the sole anchor in a sea of uncertainty and heartbreak.
I have five kids with my now ex-wife, (7F), (5F), (2M and 2M), and a seven month old baby boy. When my ex was pregnant with the baby, she decided that she didn’t want to be involved with me or the kids anymore, so she divorced me and signed all her rights away.
The only reason that I know she’s still alive is the child support checks that I get.
My kids are obviously still upset over their mum just getting up and leaving without even giving them a heartfelt goodbye. My oldest has expressed being cross towards me regarding the situation, since she’s the only one that truly understands that her mom probably won’t come back.
She feels abandoned and has come to me crying, because she believes that her mum doesn’t love her anymore. My other daughter still believes that her mum’s gonna come back, and it really hurts to hear her ask when she’ll be back.
My other kids, obviously, don’t understand where their mum has gone. All I can truly get from them is tears, and asking where their mum has went.
Just to be clear, I don’t badmouth their mother, or say bad things in general about her to them.
Yesterday, my ex called. I only picked up because I didn’t recognize the number. She said hello, and asked if she could speak to the kids. I said no, mostly because I didn’t know how they would react.
She said that she missed them terribly, and because of COVID, couldn’t see them, and she really wanted to hear their voices.
I said that I wasn’t comfortable with that. I told her that I would talk to my oldest two later on, and ask if they wanted to speak to her, but for now, I wouldn’t allow it. She said that she was still their mum, and that she had the right to speak to them.
I said that she lost any right to them when she signed those rights away.
At this point, my wife raised her voice, and said that I was keeping her away from the people she loved most. I said that I didn’t give care about her feelings, that she abandoned the kids, and to F-off like she did months ago before hanging up.
My kids weren’t in ear shot, just to be clear.
I’m not proud of losing my temper, because I’m not that kind of guy. But I was at my wit’s end, and couldn’t take it anymore.
I still have my mother-in-law as one of my contacts because I don’t have anybody else to care for the kids if something happens to me. All night, she’s been blowing up my phone, saying that my ex-wife is still a mother, and has a right to talk to her kids.
I don’t know. I’m tired. Honest opinions?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is clearly experiencing significant emotional strain from managing the abandonment trauma of five children following their ex-wife’s sudden departure and legal surrender of parental rights. The central conflict lies between the OP’s desire to protect his children from further emotional hurt by controlling contact with their mother, and the ex-wife’s assertion of her inherent maternal right to communicate with them.
Given the mother’s voluntary absence and the differing levels of understanding among the children regarding the abandonment, is the father justified in unilaterally blocking all contact to prioritize his children’s current emotional stability, or does the mother’s status as their biological parent necessitate a mediated pathway for communication, regardless of past actions?
Here’s how people reacted:
You’re NTA but as someone that went through hell growing up with a single parent that had too much on his plate with 2 kids let alone 5 let me give you some unsolicited advice
DO NOT marry some rando because you think your kids need a mother! My dad did that and the monster he married destroyed what little I had left of my childhood, my self esteem and any hope of a relationship with my dad and his family.
NTA Your wife can’t come and go as she pleases. That is horrendously unfair to your kids who need and deserve consistency and a lot more then she is giving.
Yeah yelling is not ideal but you are human and dealing with a lot so you’re not an asshole for that.
Is there anyone who can help you with the kids besides your ex-MIL?
Also, the kids and you definitely need therapy. They’ve been through something traumatic.
You absolutely need to get the kids into therapy though and should probably talk to someone yourself. This is a hell of a lot to deal with. While right now might be the wrong time for them to speak to her, at some point it might be the best thing for them. NTA.
If you do decide to allow contact, I strongly recommend you work with a family therapist to re-establish contact in a way that’s best for the kids. Also, be careful of your MIL: you don’t want her going behind your back to let ex see the kids.
Edit for typo
I understand you are angry but this is still your kids mother and you should do what is best for them. It may be worth looking into counseling or Reunification therapy to see if your ex is stable enough for a small amount of contact.
Edit: i am aware she signed away her parental rights but i believe she has the right to still talk to them because she pays child support (call me one sided)
Edit 2: OP is NTA cause who knows what she wkuld have done
Just curious, where you live, you still are required to pay child support if you sign away rights? Or does she just send you money to help with their care? ( I guess that’s what triggered me in not having all the info. )
If she terminated her parental rights then there is nothing or her mother can say about anything.
If your MIL says, well she’s there mother – NO, she isn’t.
This might all be postpartum and it’s possible she’s coming around. Maybe get her to a Dr then agree to see the kids.
Is there some info missing?