AITA for telling my mom I’m not gonna be her second choice just because my brother died?

From the very beginning, his relationship with his mother was fractured, marked by absence and growing distance. Childhood memories blurred into missed birthdays and silent phone calls, as his mother’s new life with her husband and their son created a barrier he couldn’t cross.

Years later, the fragile thread that once connected them frayed even further with the devastating news of his half-brother’s death. A storm of grief and silence enveloped him, leaving him haunted by the question of whether reaching out to his mother could heal the wounds or deepen the chasm between them.

AITA for telling my mom I’m not gonna be her second choice just because my brother died?

Me (23M) and my mom don’t have the best relationship. My parents broke up when I was 2. My mom was trying to do college so I was mostly with my dad and she’d have me every weekend. When I was 6 she got married and then a year later had my half brother “Tommy.”

After that she was cancelling our meetups or days I go over there because she was busy. Missing out on school stuff and then birthdays. I barely saw her after that and her reason always was being busy with my half bro.

I never even met him. Like at all.

I could also tell when I was around her husband didn’t like me. He was always serious around me and never actually spoke to me. Years went on and it just went to total no talking at all.

My dad got married to my stepmom when I was 10 and she’s really great.

So 9 months ago I heard from my grandparents on Facebook that Tommy passed. Idk the full details all I know it was some accident and he had serious injuries.

Thought about reaching out to my mom but it felt weird since we haven’t talked in years.

She ended up the one messaging me. First telling me about what happened to Tommy and then apologizing for not keeping contact with me for years.

Pretty much she wants to meet and for us to have a relationship again. It just felt off to me that she’s doing it only now after Tommy passed. I know some of u are gonna say losing him maybe made her realize she was a shit mom to me, but still.

If this hadn’t happened then it’s like she never would’ve reached out and wouldn’t be trying.

I told her this too and I’m not interested in us having anything atm.

This made her push even more that we *need* to do this and it just seemed like she was not gonna let this go.

So I said I’m sorry for what happened to him but I’m not gonna be her 2nd choice. And she can’t expect me to want her back in just because she lost one child and decided she’ll go back to the other.

Maybe in the future if I feel differently but not right now. My mom hasn’t left me alone and when last time I talked to my grandparents they gave me shit about what I told her and I shouldn’t have said that to her after she’s lost her son.

So I’m not sure if what I said was too harsh. Saying I’m not interested in her right now just because my brother’s not around anymore and it’s like I’m just her only option now. It’s just how I feel since she dropped out of my life once she had another family.

Here’s how people reacted:

Razzmatazz_Certain

Did you say that you never really met your brother? NTA. I dont understand why your mother would not have tried to foster a relationship between you and your brother. Sounds like the stepdad did not want you around. Telling you she was busy is a cop out. My mother was pushed away because her stepdad did not want to raise another mans child. She was left to be raised by her 17 year old Aunt. I have watched the years of dysfunction and drama play out between mother and her bio mom. My mother always ends up disappointed and hurt. To be your mother she had to put in the work. When you were sick or struggling with school and growing pains she was living life with her replacement family. As a mother myself, I cannot imagine not being there for my child. It takes two seconds to send you a text asking about your day and letting you know she’s thinking of you. Also your grandparents have no right to be upset with you for not embracing the woman they surely watched abandon and neglect you. It’s really rich they’re scolding you instead acknowledging your pain. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish you well and hope that you do not allow her to derail your goals and dreams. You are entitled to your feelings never doubt that.

BadRumUnderground

EDIT: I didn’t give enough weight to the Mother refusing the no and recruiting other family members to help her push.

NTA

Your Mom has historically been the asshole, and you have every right to feel how you feel about it.

She’s trying now, and while *you do not owe her anything*, she can’t change the past, she can only try now. So on that front, I have some empathy with her grief and her desire to make things right.

But it’s easy for me to have empathy, because she never hurt me.

What you said was pretty harsh and hurtful, for sure. But your anger is valid, and I don’t blame you for saying it.

And you have every right to decide you don’t want a relationship with her. You wouldn’t be the asshole if you stood firm on it.

Nor would agreeing to try and build a relationship as adults mean forgiving and forgetting the past. If you do decide to give her a chance, you’d be building a new relationship – because there isn’t one to build on. You can decide on what kind of relationship, if any, you two might have going forward.

threeforagirl

NTA, and your grandparents are also TA if they’ve watched this situation unfold over years and only now decided to intervene.

Even if she’s genuinely regretting the past, that’s her problem because it was entirely her actions that put her in this place now. You aren’t an emotional support animal that she can pick up when she needs it.

It’s very reasonable you don’t want to be subbed in for Tommy when you were already swapped for him once. She’s going to need to demonstrate that she wants to get to know you as a person, not a substitute son. And she’s got a lot of explaining to do.

She made you a stranger. She doesn’t get to call on strangers for help.

Noltonn

What you said was harsh, and probably not the best way to go about it, but she was pushing for a relationship that you’re not interested in. She has been an absentee parent for what, 17 years now if I’m reading this correctly? If a relationship is started again at that point, it has to be on your terms, not hers, and it does not seem like she is respecting that. Keep in mind that *she* fucked up her relationship with you.

So, NTA. Your mother needs to respect your choices.

SeriousBlack183

Not the asshole, in my opinion but I may be biased. I don’t think you should have to be forced into a relationship with someone who didn’t want one with you. Even if she is your mother. Nothing hurts more as a child than feeling unwanted by your parents.

I’ve been forcing a relationship with my mom for years now. I recently stopped talking to her because I just couldn’t deal with being so fake. If you don’t feel comfortable it’s not worth it.

-my-cabbages

NTA- At the age of 6 your mother proved you were disposable to her. It’s a two way street, you don’t owe her anything.

A more sympathetic person might suggest it took the death of your brother for her to realize how much she had neglected you. However, even if that is true, she deserves to live with these regrets for now.

She lost one son years ago and she didn’t care enough to realize it.

Traumatized-Trashbag

“After she lost her son” she traded one son for another and now decides to talk to you after his death? NTA. She doesn’t get to walk in and out of your life like that. She wouldn’t have reached out if Tommy hadn’t died and everyone knows that. As far as she can be concerned with, she lost both of her sons, and she can stew in that thought.

Change2001

NTA. Your mother recently lost her son, but you effectively lost your mother about 17 years ago. She made her choice and reaffirmed it over the years by ignoring you.

Do not let anyone guilt trip you into a relationship in which you are not interested. If you feel the need to block her, then do so guilt free.

Michael_Chandra

I mean, she clearly is grieving, but from what you’re describing here, you put down boundaries and did explain them. So a soft y-t-a because she was grieving and the way you phrased it (and likely your tone) could have been better, but NTA for not wanting to be involved with someone who ditched you long ago.

GManBoyd

NTA in the slightest imo… this shouldn’t be a question in your head man, don’t feel bad about not wanting a relationship, she ditched you for her other son and now only wants you now that he’s gone? Fuck off. This is harsh but that’s karma. Completely up to you but she doesn’t deserve you pal.

MaxFuryToad

Ufff You are not wrong to feel that way and I wouldn’t go as far as to say you were the AH but loosing a son is an unbelivable amount of pain. Your grandparents are somewhat right. Just tell he you don’t need a mom and leave it at that.

FiendishPup

NTA, despite what some family members tell you, you don’t owe this woman anything. She made the choice to forgo a relationship with you every weekend for years, why should you be expected to do something different?
Good luck OP

recyclethatusername

Gently, YTA. While I agree with you about not having a relationship, saying what you did so close to losing her son makes you an asshole. You’re not wrong at all though.

B0326C0821

The fact that you didn’t even know your brother is really a testament to how far your “mother” pushed you out of her life. You do not owe her anything. NTA

Tiredbydefault

She lost a son that day to an accident, she made you lose a mother on purpose years ago. NTA. You deserved so much better.

[deleted]

NTA. You told her some hard truths she has been trying to ignore. You have every right to maintain your boundaries.

Conclusion

The original poster (OP) is struggling with deep-seated feelings of abandonment stemming from years of inconsistent contact from their mother, which intensified after she started a new family. The recent tragic death of the OP’s half-brother has prompted the mother to suddenly seek reconciliation, which the OP interprets as a desperate attempt to fill a void rather than genuine remorse for past neglect.

Given the history of absence and the timing of the recent outreach, is the OP justified in refusing an immediate reconciliation, viewing the mother’s sudden interest as conditional upon the loss of her other child, or was the OP’s response too harsh given the mother’s current grief?