The OP has been suffering severely from hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) during her pregnancy, receiving support from her mother-in-law, husband, and employer, who allowed her to work from home. During her baby shower, the sister publicly criticized the OP for her difficult pregnancy, suggesting it was the result of waiting too long and prioritizing other things, which led to the OP angrily telling her to leave. Now, the OP is left wondering if she owes her sister an apology for that confrontation.
My sister ( F,31) and I ( F,34) married around the same time 7 years ago. She decided to have kids right away. My husband ( M,35) and I decided to buy a house first , do a little travelling and have enough savings before having kids.
My sister now has 4 kids. I’m currently pregnant with our baby. I have been dealing with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) and it’s been brutal. Luckily my MIL and my husband have been amazing to me and my boss allowed me to work from home until I give birth.
My mom can’t help me much because she helps out my sister’s 4 kids a lot.
Yesterday was my baby shower that my SIL threw for me , people kept asking about how I was doing and I was talking about how HG is horrible .
My sister decided to interrupt me and said “ honestly ! This is what happens when you get pregnant when you are old! I have had 4 pregnancy and never had these issues. I guess you should have thought about this before all those trips and “we are not ready yet” bullshit .
Some of us make sacrifices in our 20’s “. I got furious . This wasn’t the first time she commented about my life so I told her to get the fuck out. She grabbed my nieces and left. My mom said I was being hormonal and should have just ignored her.
My mom thinks my sister said that because she became a mom earlier than me and never enjoyed her life or even any alone time with her husband. My husband thinks I had every right to be upset because she was saying I deserve HG.
Do I owe my sister an apology for kicking her out ?
Conclusion
The original poster is in a difficult position, feeling justified in defending herself against deeply hurtful and dismissive comments about her health struggles, yet also facing external pressure from her mother to apologize for reacting strongly. The central conflict revolves around the sister’s perceived sense of martyrdom and comparison versus the OP’s right to express her pain without judgment regarding her personal timeline for starting a family.
The question remains whether the OP’s immediate, emotional response to being told she deserved her illness was an overreaction, or if the sister’s repeated pattern of insensitive commentary justified the demand that she leave. Should the OP apologize for reacting to the insult, or was the sister’s behavior the definitive cause that absolves the OP of apology?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your emotions are valid, and it’s understandable that you’d want to stand up for yourself in that moment, especially at your own baby shower, which should have been a time for celebration. If she genuinely doesn’t understand why what she said was hurtful, that’s something she needs to reflect on. She shouldn’t have treated you that way, and it’s not your responsibility to apologize for setting boundaries in response to her disrespect.
I do think that what your mom said about your sister at the end is correct though. In short, she’s jealous because you had fun while she was stuck raising her kids. Now that you’re ready for that next phase of your life she had to try and find something to bring you down so that she could be, in her mind, better than you. A better mom than you.
You and your husband chose the responsible route to parenthood whereas she has probably had to struggle and give up most her free time in her 20s.
Your sister is TA for berating you over something you can’t control. Her only concern should be your and your babies health. Not some competition that you aren’t even participating in
Everybody has the right to have kids whenever they feel ready for it for whatever reason or no reason at all. She started the whole thing with her comments and definitely the AH move of telling you off loudly at your shower. It was her own decision to have kids early, that doesn’t mean it has to be the same for everyone. Your mom is an AH as well for saying “you sister never enjoyed her life or had alone time with her husband” – whose decision was that? their own. They have no right to complain about it if they have been the one who decided for it to be this way.
And – as there are no real reasons known for HG chances are you would have had it even with an earlier pregnancy. Some people are just lucky – not.
NTA and no apology necessary in my eyes.
BTW, I had my first baby when I was 25. I nearly ended up hospitalized to get IV fluids I was throwing up so much. A friend of mine (a whooping 20 *days* younger than me) didn’t have her first until her late 30s. Her “morning sickness” wasn’t nearly as bad. How pregnancy hits you is *highly* individual and age is only one small part of it. At 34, you’re not even considered a “geriatric” first-time mom. Plenty of women start later than you did.
You’re not the asshole for kicking her out. I have to point out that it’s not necessary to get any kind of retribution or Payback here. I mean your sister is a brain dead moron. That’s punishment enough.
I do think you should draw a line with Mom and the others though. If anybody dares bring it up again just say careful, if you keep talking I’m going to have to block you.
Your sister was rude and petty, you’re completely on the moral green kicking her out.
Regardless of her feelings, it was your shower and you’re the one dealing with significant complications. Empathy and support are called for, not insults and petty behavior.
Your Mom would do well to remember you’re all adults. We don’t get to make excuses for shitty behavior, we get consequences.
I hope you feel better soon, I had HG with my first and it was brutal. Let her brag about being a broodmare, it’s all she has. Enjoy your life and soon your beautiful baby. Ignore the jealous sister, everybody at the shower knew where she was coming from.
Pure jealousy and projection. She’s mad she gave up her twenties, and you now have attention. Your mom sucks too.
Also, HG sucks so bad. I had that for 6 months of my pregnancy. Hope it eases up for you.
Glad you have great in-laws to support you, while you deal with a garbage sister and a mom that can’t support you.
You probably were hormonal, but she should’ve had nothing but praise and respect for “ your “ shower.