Caught between honoring the memory of Amy and navigating the demands of a new family dynamic, she wrestles with the pain of feeling sidelined, as the role of grandparents becomes a battleground. The quiet sorrow of a grandmother’s love is tested, revealing the raw edges of loss, loyalty, and the unyielding hope to protect Kai’s place in their hearts.
I (55F) lost my daughter Amy to an accident 2 years ago. Amy was married to Daniel and they had my grandson Kai together who is now 8. Daniel met his current partner a year after Amy died and they welcomed a baby in May of this year.
Ever since the birth of his daughter, Daniel’s had an issue with us wanting time with just Kai.
Daniel was upset when we didn’t go to his and his partners baby shower. He was upset we bought nothing for his baby. And he was even more upset when we didn’t come to the hospital to meet his baby.
We were taking care Kai while Daniel’s partner was giving birth and Kai wasn’t even allowed per the rules of the hospital. Daniel still expected us to take it in turns to visit his child, who he called our newest grandchild.
My husband and Daniel had a conversation about that title and the expectation that his new child was our grandchild. He told my husband he didn’t see why Kai should be the only kid to get grandparents and he said we only had one child and one grandchild so we should be happy to have even more grandchildren from him and his partner.
My husband told Daniel we would be nice to his daughter when we saw her but Kai was still our only grandchild.
Daniel threatened to stop us seeing Kai afterward and then he did some research and learned we would have a case for grandparents visitation if he did this. So he has been attempting to force his partner and daughter into our lives more regularly, in an attempt to force us to treat them like a daughter or daughter in-law and granddaughter.
Last week Kai told me he misses spending time at our house and having sleepovers. Even before Amy died we would have him overnights, etc. Now it’s Daniel’s whole family when we see Kai and attempts to make us focus only on Daniel’s daughter.
I asked Daniel to consider a sleepover for Kai soon and he asked me why I wasn’t making the offer for his daughter. I told him Kai is my grandson and I care very much about maintaining a good relationship with him.
Daniel asked me if I only wanted a relationship with Kai and not his daughter. I said yes. I told Daniel that he needs to understand that Kai is Amy’s and she was our only child and we already lost her.
He told me it wasn’t fair. And he released a lot of frustration which I sat and listened to. Then he told me fine, I won, Kai wants to be with us without the rest of them anyway so we win.
He then told me he hoped I could live with myself when his daughter and any future children felt like shit because they weren’t good enough in our eyes to be our grandchildren too.
I felt he was unfair. But he made himself perfectly clear that he felt like we were awful people. He did bring Kai for a sleepover all weekend, which Kai loved. And he spent the day at our house yesterday too but again Daniel let it be known he felt my husband and I were not good people.
Conclusion
The primary conflict revolves around the maternal grandparents’ deep need to maintain a focused relationship with their only biological grandson, Kai, following the loss of their daughter, Amy. This desire directly clashes with the expectations set by the surviving father, Daniel, who is pressuring them to accept his new partner and their newborn daughter as full-fledged family members, equating them to daughter-in-law and granddaughter.
Given the profound grief and the clear statement of boundaries regarding Kai as the sole connection to their deceased daughter, is the OP justified in prioritizing dedicated time with Kai, or is Daniel correct in demanding that any access to Kai must include full acceptance and participation with his new partner and infant daughter?
Here’s how people reacted:
Whilst it’s true that you aren’t the baby’s grandparents, I do think you could have bought a present for the baby amd/or the mother after the birth. You are _related_ to the baby, because he’s your grandson’s half-sister. Your grandson shares half his DNA, and most of his free time, with this baby.
If it was in your shoes, I would be pleasant towards the baby and the new mother, since she is now in the mother role for your grandson, and she and Daniel have the power to make life awkward for you and your relationship with Kai. So behaving nicely towards them costs nothing, but is likely to get you more time with Kai, and smoother relationships all round.
Many grandparents accept their child’s stepchildren as their own grandchildren, and treat them the same. This is a tiny bit different, but the gist is still the same: that there’s a baby you’re not genetically related to, but who occupies a similar position to that of your grandchild. She might be a delightful little girl whom you’re happy to have in your life.
Daniel is being a bit weird and pushy to insist that you are the baby’s grandparents, but it sounds like he is doing it because he wants to keep the pair of you firmly within his family: count your blessings, as many men in his situation would be trying to push you out of his (and Kai’s) life for good.
However I have some questions:
You say that Kai is your family because he is biologically related to you. But isn’t your son in law also your family? He is the father of your grandchild. He was the husband of your daughter.
I would guess that he sees (or at least saw) you as family. His new wife and child are also now part of his family. They are definitely part of Kai’s family.
What you are doing is saying he never really was part of your family. That is very hurtful. And it will hurt your relationship with your grandson in the long run. It could also hurt the relationship Kai will have with his new sibling.
Kai’s sister will be a huge part of his life. Why wouldn’t you want a relationship with someone who has such an important role in his life? That’s your grandson’s family.
You can complain about how unfair it is, but it doesn’t change the rules that your relationship with Kai will be dictated by Daniel.
While his daughter is not your granddaughter, she still is a sibling to Kai and a permanent fixture in his life, and avoiding her is just going to be impossible. I’m not saying you should always get the both of them together, and you’re entitled to some alone time with Kai, but your inflexibility might be confusing in a time where he would need stability…
Father sucks obviously for trying to force onto you a relationship for which you’re clearly not ready.
I understand it’s tough dealing with your own grief, and cannot imagine the hardships you’ve probably gone through during these ordeals, but you should put Kai’s needs for a stable, loving and united family first to help him deal with what can only be described as the worst tragedy that could happen to a young child
I don’t see why you would need to go to the hospital after the birth though. I would have thought a visit when mom and baby are home and settled would have been fine. You need model compassion and acceptance for Kai.
I wonder how Kai’s step grandparents treat him?
Don’t tell if you have money saved for Kai’s education … Make sure your Will is up to date > so that if something happens .. any inheritance you have for Kai > Make Sure it will be in a trust that Daniel can’t empty for the new baby or any more they have in the future
Kai knows you love him … be there for him and be ready for him to come live with you at age 18 … His Dad will make him ‘dislike’ stepmom & half sibs because of this issue … Daniel sounds like a a\*\*
Daniel is probably looking at / for $$$ for ‘his’ kids
Your former Son in law threw himself headlong into a new relationship and is dealing with his grief in his own way, but you don’t need to follow him down that path. Kai is your grandson. Full stop. The new baby and his new spouse are not part of your family, and it’s honestly weird that he keeps trying to re-write the reality of the situation.
Honestly, I don’t see any of this lasting. Kai’s dad has made choices while grieving that he is very likely going to regret later. Stay civil, keep loving your grandson, and be prepared to be there for him when it all unravels.
Because it sounds like a typical Brothers Grimm tale/Disney evil stepmother situation: all material and emotional assets are captured for the new wife’s progeny.
I am sorry for your loss, and it is nice that Daniel has been able to get back on track with life, but the new child already has two families. It is unreasonable to force you to be additional grandparents to a child that you are not related to.
You can be sure that Daniel will also ask you to set the same amount of money for his new child as you would do for Kai.
It doesn’t work that way. NTA.
I think that in not accepting Daniels new partner and child as part of the family you are likely giving up holidays, birthdays, etc with Kai because Daniel’s immediate family deserves to be comfortable during those events.
And frankly if the kids go to school/daycare, weekends are pretty much the only time they have to really bond. I don’t think Daniel would be wrong to only limit the sleepover and weekends at your house to once a month or once every other month.
You not considering his daughter family doesn’t mean he has to sacrifice his family time so that you get to ignore the rest of his daily. You’re putting Kai first. He’s putting all of his kids first.
And It’s very telling that Kai doesn’t want them included when he visits you.
Poor kid must be getting so much shit at home.
All you can do is be there for him.
Make sure whatever will you leave him is in a trust his father can’t get his greedy little hands on.
I am very sorry for your loss.
NTA
Kai sees you not liking or ignoring his sibling he is too young to understand why
What’s your financial situation? Is there any reason along those lines that he wants you to bond with his new child?
Did you meet his new partner? I just cannot imagine any woman who would want her child to spend time at her partner‘s dead wife‘s parents!
Gives me creeps tbh.
You’d really be TA if you took him to court for grandparents rights
I don’t know if you are an ah or not for this, but if I were the parent, I would stop calling and inviting you to things. You’re either still part of the family or you are not. You are currently being welcomed in, but if you start making distinctions between the kids, I would cut you off before the kids noticed. I’d be the asshole for my kids.
(((Hugs))) I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand the pain of losing an adult child.
Make sure you document every time Daniel gives you grief about not wanting to be in his other children’s lives…
And like someone else said any type of funding you plan on giving your grandchild make sure it’s set up ironclad so his father cannot get a hold of it and use it on his other children..
NTA.
She’s not your family. You have one grandchild.
Get visitation if you need to. Daniel is wrong here.