In the shadow of his death, emotions clash like stormy seas. One daughter’s refusal to mourn reveals the deep scars left by a man remembered as a monster, while another struggles with anger and loss, caught between the pain of betrayal and the yearning for reconciliation. The family’s fractured heartbeats echo the complexity of a life lived in shades of gray.
My father died right before new years. He passed away from natural causes while incarcerated and serving a life sentence. His next parole hearing was in less than a year but he suffered from lung cancer (smoker) and he also had a hip injury last october which at 70 can lead to complications.
My father was a provider to a family of three kids, my mother never had to work. He paid for my sisters wedding. He paid for my brothers braces and dental work all out of pocket. At home I would say that he was kind to us 70% of the time.
However, my father was also a semi famous in our local area (in the late 80’s and early 90’s) as a murderer. He has now paid his due to society.
My sister (the one who got her wedding paid for) refused to attend his funeral, even though both me and my elderly mother asked. She says that our father was just a monster and that she doesnt want to participate in it.
I feel very angry about this. I realize she is an adult but I also feel like she is being childish and over dramatic and extremely hurtful to not just me but my elderly mother who has lost the will to live.
I want to tell her to give back the money the monster paid for your wedding since you think that. AITA.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is deeply conflicted, feeling anger and a sense of betrayal because their sister refuses to attend their father’s funeral, despite the OP and their elderly mother requesting it. The conflict centers on whether the sister is justified in rejecting the father due to his past as a murderer, even while benefiting financially from his provision, versus the OP’s belief that this stance is childish and deeply hurtful during a time of shared grief.
Is the sister ethically obligated to attend the funeral to support her grieving mother and brother, or does her right to define her relationship with her deceased father—based on his criminal history—outweigh the immediate emotional needs of her family?
Here’s how people reacted:
> she is being childish and overdramatic
Your father **literally** murdered people, but the “dramatic” one is your sister?
Here’s the thing: victims of crime get compensated from the legal system, but that doesn’t mean they need to attend the funeral of the company owner whose negligence killed their family member, right?
They get money because that’s the most we can do as a society, but that doesn’t absolve anyone of guilt, nor does it make anything better.
So, The fact that your father paid for familial obligations doesn’t absolve him from his heinous crimes; your sister taking his money for her wedding is probably her thinking that’s the least he could do, considering what he did to your family. (And it is.)
Your entire family was victimized by your father, even though to a lesser degree than his victims. Nonetheless, you are all victims of his actions, which you will all continue to live with; directing your anger at your sister instead of your father for destroying your family is misguided.
Aside: your mother is obviously a victim here but your sister isn’t obligated to do things so your mom “has the will to live”.
So–you asked if she could attend; she refused. You need to accept that that’s the most you can expect from her, and not further divide your family because of what your father did. Please get some professional help to learn how to channel your emotions about this.
Paying for braces is baseline dad stuff. Paying for your kid’s wedding is great, but not as great as murdering a bunch of people is bad. She’s not required to forgive anybody.
Also, for the record, you might have gotten her to go as a favor to you if you’d been like “look, I know you don’t have a good relationship with him, but please be with me in this awful time” rather than deciding she’s just childish and dramatic for not wanting to stand around talking about how great this dead murderer was because at least he paid the bills on time.
edit: I also just realized from reading more of this thread that nobody even knew about the murders at the time the sister accepted the wedding money. WTF, OP? Hell of a detail to leave out.
Plus YTA for not realizing she is grieving. Even though she didn’t have the best relationship with him, she still probably has some feelings to sort through with his passing. Maybe some regret, some shame, some sadness, some anger. She’s processing this in the way she knows how to, and that includes not going to the funeral. It doesn’t make her an asshole.
If you keep pushing you will be a bigger asshole and risk losing your sister. Tread lightly and tell her you respect her choice.
You also mentioned he was a murderer in the late 80’s and early 90s. This leads me to believe that it was multiple first degree murders. I would be hard pressed to forgive someone for that, now matter how long they had been in jail. Even if it was my father. So I can understand your sisters feelings towards him.
To me, it sounds more like **YOU and your Elderly Mother like to control people with money**. It doesn’t work that way. YOU and Your Mother are not entitled to the money paid for her wedding. She does not have to return it, so you can split it. Back the fuck off and leave her alone.
Funerals are for the living.
**Your sister can grieve how she wants to. She doesn’t have to do it at a formal funeral just to make you and your mother happy.**
You owe her an apology. She will forgive you. Ask to meet her for dinner, just the two of you, and talk about anything but him. Remind yourselves that you still have loved ones *here* and *now,* and that the future is far more important than the past.
What a father is not suppose to do *is murder another human being* .
I know I would question my relationship to a parent if they committed a crime like that.
Work on your own grief, comfort your mother & allow your sister to deal with this in her own way.
You’ve no right to expect people to feel the same as you do. She is entitled to feel exactly how she wants to not go to a funeral of someone she clearly despises.
Edit – how could he be a provider from jail?
The guy murdered someone, it’s not like he accidentally smashed her favourite vase or something.
What he paid for in the past has nothing to do with anything.
*You* may believe he paid his due to society, but clearly this is not a generally accepted belief.
YTA without a doubt here.
Stop being a brat and get over it. Your sister is allowed to hate her father for being a murderer. She doesn’t have to attend anyone’s fucking funeral; the dude is dead, it’s not like he’s going to care. It doesn’t matter that he paid for her wedding either; she’s allowed to despise him.
>he has now paid his due to society
Did the victim’s family tell you that?
Edit: should say victims’ families after what I’ve read from OP
Your father was a murdering monster. He robbed and destroyed lives. Your sister is normal, you are not.
give the money back to whom? certainly not to you. clearly you are bitter because of the money.