Conflict arose after two specific incidents in one week. First, the OP returned home to find their room completely trashed by the children, including visible evidence of the 4-year-old having soiled clothes in the room. When the OP expressed anger and demanded the children be kept out of their space, both the mother and Dan dismissed their feelings, stating the children were too young to be held responsible. A week later, the children again damaged the OP’s room, this time breaking a chair and wrecking a cherished photo of the OP and their deceased father. Feeling disrespected and enraged, the OP decided to leave, only to be physically blocked from exiting by Dan, who claimed the OP leaving would devastate the mother. The OP subsequently left to stay with their grandparents, questioning if they were wrong for their reaction.
My dad died when I (17) was 11. My mom dated for a while but nothing serious until she met Dan. Dan’s a single dad with two kids (4 and 6) and after dating for almost two years they moved in together three months ago.
I was cool with it until two incidents happened in a week. First one was coming home to the kids in my room and my room was trashed. I’d made my bed before school and they’d pulled it apart.
My clothes were all over the floor. The 4 year old has pissed himself and the evidence was left visible on my piles of clothes.
My mom had taken the kids out of the room and cleaned up the 4 year old but left my room as it was for me to clean up. I was angry. Dan explained it away as they’re just young kids and told me not to be mad.
I told him to watch his kids and keep them out of my room. Mom told me not to be mad at anyone and these things happen. I said not if they kept an eye on the kids. I asked if I should go in and do the same to their room.
Dan told me I’m old enough to know better. I told him to make his kids clean it and mom and Dan were quick to say they were too young to do that.
The same thing happened a week later only without the 4 year old pissing himself this time and this time they wrecked the photo of me and my dad that was in my room and they broke the office chair I had in there.
This time I lost it on my mom and told her that I was getting the fuck out of there and she could keep Dan and his little brats to herself because I wasn’t dealing with it. Mom told me not to be so rash and said I just needed to calm down.
Dan stood in front of the door to stop me from leaving. He said my mom’s heart would break if I left. I told him I wasn’t living with him and his kids.
I went to stay with my grandparents and my mom expected me to stay at most a week or two and then come home or whatever. But I see this as home now. Not having my room trashed or the bathroom all messy and gross from Dan’s kids, has been so good.
And I’m so mad about that photo. I had a copy but it wasn’t the point.
My mom’s only now starting to accept I’m not coming back. She apologized a few times but I ignored her. She called the other day and cried and told me she missed me and wanted me to come home and she’d do anything.
I hung up before she could finish and it didn’t convince me to move back in. Which sent Dan off on a rant at me over voicemail about how selfish I’m being and how I’m hurting my mom.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster is currently experiencing significant distress due to a perceived lack of respect for their personal space and belongings, especially following the destruction of a sentimental item. The central conflict involves the OP’s need for boundaries and privacy within their home environment versus the mother and Dan’s expectation that the OP should tolerate the disruptive behavior of the younger children due to their age.
The core issue for debate is whether the OP was justified in leaving the home following the repeated boundary violations and the active obstruction by Dan when attempting to leave, or if the OP’s departure was an overly drastic reaction to a situation caused by young children. Readers must weigh the OP’s need for personal sanctuary against the dynamics of the blended family structure.
Here’s how people reacted:
There’s a way that I can understand your mom’s feelings. Not that she didn’t stand up for you, that’s unacceptable. I know this because i was caught in that trap. I had been a single mom of 2 young kids for 4 or 5 years and met a man. I feel so deeply in love…a love that I had never experienced in my entire life and yearned for… since I had no experience with relationships that was functional, I was terrified that I could somehow make it go away if they’re was conflict. I was never a wilting lily, let me show you. If we had a disagreement about discipline of the kids I would speak to him alone afterwards bec I didn’t think we should disagree on front of the kids. It caused A LOT of tension, though, until I learned that I really was loved by him and he wasn’t going anywhere. I’m ashamed to say that not stepping up and defending my kids at times had affected their lives. They of course didn’t know that I was standing up for them in private, with my husband. I wish so much that I could go back and be brave enough to find my voice in each moment.
Sorry for the ramble… you decibel deserve your space and respect of your things, and they are spoiling the younger kids. Is your mom afraid to discipline them? Is discipline up to Dan, who isn’t doing anything?
Blended families can really suck. Stay with your grandparents and get the care and attending you deserve.
As the mom, I would digest that forgiveness is for YOUR mental health. Try not to hold on to the anger. Hugs
They moved into your house, and you would think Dan would be going above and beyond to make sure you remain comfortable in your own home.
Their excusing the behavior is ridiculous. The kids should be in trouble for going into your private space and wrecking it. If your mom and Dan had done that the first time it could have prevented it from happening again. Destroying the pictures of you and your dad could have been prevented if they had actually held them accountable instead of excusing it with the “they are little” excuse. They are young but that’s when you start teaching them right from wrong.
I would tell her that you won’t even consider going back until they (your mom and Dan) apologize for the way they handled it. Followed by you saying that you want a lock on your door. Even if you aren’t there I’m assuming you still have things in your room. You deserve to have your personal space protected.
As to mom and stepdad, they are ignoring the issue of the 4 year old peeing themself regularly. At the least, the kid should be in pull ups; maybe they need to consider the child is stressed by the change and needs more help.
OP, I’m sorry this is happening to you. At the very least, they should have cleaned your room and washed your clothes and put a lock on your door and given you the key. They haven’t handled things well.
When you aren’t so close to the incident, it would be good for you to consider forgiving them and agreeing to spend some time back with them, at your discretion. The anger and full break of contact aren’t necessarily good for you, especially since you’ve already lost a parent.
I’m glad you had a place you could go to safely. Curious if it is your moms parents or your dads you are living with? Will you be able to finish school and graduate while living there?
Best of luck to you OP! You are definitely NTA. Updateme!
you mean to tell me Dan expects HIS kids to run around without any consequences? to say you know better simply because you’re older is bs and for him to act like he can’t teach his kids not to do that is beyond me. If your mom (no offense at all) really did love you she would actually stand up for her child just like Dan stands up for his. If you’re feeling comfortable, and have an already called this place home – i think it’s best for you to continue respecting your boundaries and staying away since clearly they don’t respect yours.
you got this.
Reassure her you are happy there if you are, and that you want her to move on and be happy too. Long term you will move on and have your own life. Your mother carried you and looked after you when you were small and needed her. Now you don’t feel u need her don’t just discard her.
Just wondering was it not an option to lock your room to keep the little ones out? Seems like the answer to at least the room part.. if you had a time machine.
Live your best life with your grandparents. Don’t block Dan but mute instead. Save those messages in case you need to get a cease and desist or restraining order. Let them bury themselves with their own words.
However, you made the adult decision to move out, in your own best interest. You need to open communication with your mom. You can be mad at her, you can choose not to live with her and you can choose to not like her decisions. But she’s still your mom. And the only parent you have. You don’t have to forget, but forgiveness will ease your heart
All they had to do was take responsibility for these children like adults. Instead, they let them rampage and invade another adults personal space. So what if they’re too young to clean it? That automatically means it’s Dan’s job because they’re Dan’s kids.
This is entirely all their fault. Period. Not letting their brats trash your bedroom is literally the bare minimum of parenting. If they can’t even manage that they have no business being parents.
Are you saying Dan’s children pissed in your room and trashed your room **twice** and Dan wasn’t the one to Clean up the mess his children made? And your mother and Dan both watchec you clean up their mess yourself?
No repercussions for these two children?
Dan and your mother are both gigantic assholes and deserve each other.
May Dan’s little darlings piss in his and your mother’s bed in the future twice a day.
If your mom will do anything to get you back, tell her to dump the loser looking for someone to take care of him and his children.
NTA
If you are in the U.S., your mother may be receiving benefits from the U.S. government for your care as a result of your father’s death. Now that she’s no longer supporting you, those should go to you.
I may have “swallowed” it the first time (note, i would have gotten a lock for door after that)
I know what 4 & 6 year olds are like, (they still would have been punished)
But, after the 2nd time?…. With you 100%
She chose, poorly. NTA
And excuse me, I don’t have kids, but are we just leaving 4 year olds alone, unsupervised long enough for them to trash a room? I mean is this normal parenting?
All they had to do is help you clean up, put a lock on your door, and discipline the brats. Their plan of having a live in babysitter is gone.
NTA this is really hard on you. Take some time and just enjoy the time at your grandparents’ home.