Beneath the surface of celebration and anticipation lies a quiet storm of unspoken emotions and withheld support. A simple request for a long-promised gift ignites avoidance and unease, unraveling the fragile threads of trust and love that once bound them together.
My stepsister was going to get married this summer but due to COVID she had to postpone. Unfortunately, she ended up losing a lot of her deposits and now her budget is less than half of what it used to be.
She also has to buy a new dress/bridesmaids’ outfits because she’s now decided to have a winter wedding instead. I am also engaged but we’re still in the early stages of planning and recently decided to try to figure out what our potential budget would look like.
My mom and stepdad have saved wedding funds for each of us which are $10k each. This is money we’ve always known we’d receive for our weddings and my siblings have already ALL received theirs.
I was facetiming my mom and she asked me about the wedding planning, and I mentioned that my fiancé and I had opened a separate bank account for our wedding funds. I asked her if she could directly transfer the wedding fund into it when she was free, and she started acting weird and avoided the question and changed the subject.
I got upset and asked her again and she told me that they couldn’t help with the wedding. I asked her what she meant, and she admitted my stepdad had given the money to my stepsister.
I asked her why he would do that, and she mentioned how my stepsister had lost so much of her original budget due to the pandemic and she would have to dramatically downsize her wedding.
She came to them and begged to have my wedding fund and my stepdad agreed, as my stepsister and her fiancé both work low paying jobs and wouldn’t be able to save the money up themselves in time.
My stepdad’s justification is that my fiancé comes from a “filthy rich” (his words) family and that his family could make up the difference for what they would no longer be contributing.
Apparently, he made a nasty joke about how fiancé’s dad was going to throw money at our wedding anyways and that maybe they should ask him to pay for stepsister’s too.
I was upset and so I ended the call. My mom has been calling me nonstop since and has even asked my other sister to call me and tell me to answer her calls. When I told my sister what happened she was angry but not surprised because my stepdad has done similar things in the past (e.g.
given part of my college fund to this same stepsister because she wasted her monthly allowance partying).
My mom and stepdad have also sent me texts telling I have no right to be upset over what they chose to do with their money. My stepdad even said that since I’m so petty he’s glad he never gave me a cent for my wedding.
The more I calm down, I’m starting to wonder if I am being a childish asshole. It’s not like I’ve booked anything yet and now will have to change plans. My dad also contributed to my sister’s wedding and I’m sure he’ll offer to do the same for me.
But then the other part of me wonders if had it been my stepbrother’s wedding fund would my stepdad be so quick to give it to my stepsister. AITA?
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) is facing a significant breach of trust and financial expectation after discovering their promised wedding fund was given to their stepsister to cover pandemic-related losses. The OP’s primary emotional conflict stems from feeling betrayed by their parents, especially given that all other siblings have already received their dedicated funds, while the parents insist the OP has no right to be upset over their unilateral decision regarding what was perceived as dedicated savings.
Given that the parents have already allocated the OP’s dedicated funds based on perceived need and the fiancé’s family’s wealth, is the OP’s anger justified regarding the violation of a long-standing agreement, or should they accept the decision as the parents’ prerogative over their own money, despite the resulting impact on their own wedding plans?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your stepsister doesn’t NEED to buy new dresses and such, but wants to. Seems like she’s pretty irresponsible with money, and has always asked for others to make up for her wastefulness, and they’ve obliged her. Begging for “your” wedding fund was really shitty for her to do. 8/10 AH
Your step dad and mom are technically under no obligation to give anyone a wedding fund. It’s technically their money and if they want to continuously bail your step sister out financially time and time again, and even giving “your” wedding fund to her, it’s their choice to make. That being said it’s a shitty thing to do in terms of basic fairness and parental decency. The most fair thing to do would be for them to tell the step sister to suck it up, sorry you lost your deposits, and to scale your wedding back. But I’ve got a feeling that fairness ship sailed a long time ago. 7/10 AH
You aren’t owed anything from your mom and stepdad. Was it shitty for them to take this from you and lie to you? Abso-freaking-lutely and it sucks and I’m sorry. Basically, you can’t look at this as losing $10,000 you never technically had in the first place, but rather take this as a learning opportunity. Better for you to learn earlier rather than later that you can’t trust or rely on them. Sorry. My dad always made grand plans when I was a young kid, I’ll start your college fund, or I’ll buy you your first car if you pay for the insurance, or etc… and none of them ever happened. I just learned at a very early age to never rely on him, to not get my hopes up, and to never believe him when he said he would or could help me with literally anything.
You’re slightly the AH, not because of your reaction which is pretty understandable, but for how you move forward from this. I hope you can move past this and re-engage with your mom, but do so only with your eyes wide open and under no illusions about their character. The only way I kept a relationship with my father was by accepting who he was, and letting him know that I didn’t trust him and couldn’t rely on him. 2/10 AH
Being upset sounds entirely reasonable to me, and wanting your mother, at least, to acknowledge the hurt that you feel is also understandable.
If you think you can have a productive conversation with her about it– if you think she can respond in a validating, non-defensive way to something like “Mom, if you had talked to me about this in advance, I would have at least known you cared what I thought. But you didn’t; you valued my stepsister and stepfather’s feelings over mine, and that really hurts” –maybe reach out and have that conversation with her.
If you think your mother is just going to defend her actions and the stepfather’s and deny that you should have any feelings on the matter whatsoever, do not engage with her.
And do not engage with your stepfather on this or any other matter for as long as he is exerting pressure like this over how your mother spends her money. BIG red flag to my mind.
(Edited to add: Thanks for the awards!)
You have every right to feel upset over how your stepfather is handling what he did with the money, as in, what he is saying and the mean spirited jokes. It sounds as though he is playing clear favorites and allowing your stepsister to behave in juvenile ways. Add some shrugs or stoles to the gowns and pair with alternative colors to make it work, there is no need to buy all new.
However, just because you were told you would be given money from your parents does not entitle you to their money. Personally, I wouldn’t take money from them and they can just be guests at your celebration and you would have no obligation to include them any more than you see fit.
You need to speak to your mother separately about how the jokes and the not being told is a problem, especially since this seems to be a pattern that is happening in your family.
Good luck with everything and I hope you can still have the wedding you and your fiance want without bad feelings associated.
What happened here is reprehensible. It’s not as though you went begging with your hand out, you been promised throughout your life time that this money would be available for your wedding. All of your other siblings and step siblings have received the same. Your stepfather is absolutely out of his mind to somehow consider you entitled.
Quite frankly I would reach out directly to your mother one last time to explain to her in a painful, stark terms how this decision means that not only will she not be invited to your wedding but that she will not be a part of your life moving forward nor part of the lives of any children you may have in the future. This is absolutely grounds for cutting her out of your life for good. She is made this decision to stand by her horrible husband at your expense. She’s going to have to own that period
This sucks on so many levels. I hate that your stepdad gaslighted you and almost immediately blamed you for his shitty behavior to defend his actions.
Would you consider not inviting them (or at least your stepdad and stepsister) to your wedding that they clearly have little value for?
I almost feel sorry for your mom who seems to be stuck between a rock and a hard place, but you’ve pointed out that your step family has a long history of pulling this kind of shit and it’s very AH-y that she hasn’t stood up for you guys and let this happen to her own kids.
I hope you’ll post an update after you’ve had an amazing wedding. Congratulations on your engagement.
She doesn’t have to buy new dresses. She could wait until next summer or ask her wedding party to find a mutual color in their closets. She’s wasting money that she shouldn’t have in the first place.
Those ‘jokes’ your stepdad was making are disgusting and you’re absolutely right that he definitely wouldn’t have given his son’s fund to his daughter. Lets say your future in law’s decide not to contribute to your wedding, then what? Your mom is an AH for not telling your stepdad no when he gave your fund away, that’s partly her money too! Also, they never should’ve told you about the wedding fund if they didn’t plan to follow through.
> My mom and stepdad have also sent me texts telling I have no right to be upset over what they chose to do with their money.
Except it’s not about the money. It’s about showing that they favor your stepsister over you and have a track record of unapologetically giving you less to give her more.
They gave every sibling money expect for you? (Because they gave the money reserved for you to your stepsister) thats makes them AHs. I think now YOU have to downsize your wedding, like there is no money for the stepsister and the stepfather at your wedding.
You have every right to be mad. You where basically promised that money but they chose to give it to your stepsister.
They are prioritizing your step sister over you, and I don’t recommend relying on them for anything in the future.
You were basically promised this money, all your other siblings were given this money, so your parents taking this money back – while within there rights – without even talking to you first, was definitely a dick move
Your stepdad is technically correct, you aren’t legally entitled to that money.
You were however, morally entitled to that money and stepdad can fuck off along with the horse he rode in on.
Your stepfather is compounding his asshole behavior with every comment he makes.
I would be petty AF and not invite him to your wedding.