Caught between empathy and awkward realization, he faces the delicate truth that not all bonds are built on the expected foundations. The woman who called herself “mama” and spoke of “the kids” is not part of the motherly circle in the way he believed, but rather a devoted caretaker of her feline companions. This revelation shines a light on the nuanced ways people seek connection and the painful spaces where exclusion can take root, even in the most well-meaning environments.
Basically I [20M] recently started a job where I have mostly female coworkers. Amongst them is a small group who all have young kids around the same age. They go to mum-and-kid activities together, babysit each other’s kids, have coffee mornings, hang out at the weekends etc.
There is one coworker who has complained to her a few times that she feels deliberately left out by this group. She refers to herself as “mama” and often talks about “the kids”, so I assumed she had children of her own and sympathised with her that she was being excluded from the mummy group.
However, Friday I asked to see a picture of the kids…and she showed me a photo of three cats. Quickly dawned on me that she’s a fur mama with fur babies, which I get bc I love my animals too, but it made it weird to me that she’s pissed about being excluded from activities involving actual human children when she has none herself.
When she later complained again about not being invited to something I kinda gently said “maybe it’s cause they’re hanging out with their kids, I don’t know if fur babies really count in that context”.
Coworker got upset and ran out crying.
Turns out, she’s infertile and desperately wants kids but can’t have them, so her considering her cats as her kids is how she copes. Obviously I feel *awful* now, I didn’t mean to insult her or invalidate her feelings like that.
Still I’m saved a little by the fact that I didn’t know, right?
ETA: I bought her her favourite coffee and apologised this morning. She’s still being a bit standoffish, but it’s better.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) unintentionally caused significant emotional distress to a coworker by dismissing her feelings of exclusion, only realizing later that the coworker’s identity as a “mama” referred to her cats, which masked a deeper pain related to infertility.
Given the OP’s accidental insensitivity versus the coworker’s genuine emotional vulnerability regarding a sensitive issue, is it possible to reconcile the need for professional boundaries with the obligation to show empathy for a colleague’s private suffering?
Here’s how people reacted:
I consider my dogs my kids, too, but I feel like if you’re trying to be included in parent activities because you’re a pet mom then you’re delusional. I feel for her emotional struggle, I really, truly do. It can make you feel like less of a person if having children is a goal in your life, and I think that babying pets can be a way to cope with the pain of not being able to have children. But she sounds like she needs some professional help to deal with this, if she’s actually to the point where she’s getting pissed about being excluded from play dates. Realistically what does she want to do, bring her cats to the McDonald’s play place with the others? But she isn’t thinking realistically. Like I said, I feel deeply sorry for her and know other people struggling with this who have been absolutely devastated by it, but there’s a difference between “my cats are my kids” and actively hating women who don’t let her attend their mommy meetings with cats. It is sad, but she needs help, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.
And those other women are also assholes for excluding her from everything, honestly. Obviously they can’t invite her to play dates, and considering this situation she probably would be upset further there. But they could still invite her to coffee in the mornings or something.
>it made it weird to me that she’s pissed about being excluded from activities involving actual human children when she has none herself
Shouldn’t that have actually been less weird? I mean, now you understand why she’s so hurt at being excluded. Because these women are sharing certain social activities based on the fact that they all have human children, and this woman doesn’t have that.
You took it way too far when you said “maybe it’s cause they’re hanging out with their kids, I don’t know if fur babies really count in that context.” That was so unnecessary, and must have stung. Buy her a card, write a really heartfelt apology in it, and leave it on her desk.
You didn’t know, and there are some crazy cat people out there who are genuinely clueless. When I was struggling with fertility issues we used to joke about our ferret being “our baby” but in no way did I EVER seriously think it was equivalent to a human baby.
While I feel very sorry for her, and totally empathise with her using her cats as a substitute, that needs to be a private thing. She can’t expect the rest of the world to “play along”.
Even if she is infertile, fur babies do not count when conducting activities and play dates with young children.
You did not know and frankly, I don’t think there needs to be an apology here. You simply pointed out that children and cats are not the same – a fact we all already know. However it does sound like she’s struggling with this issue of infertility so maybe reach out and offer her some comfort on that part.
Your comment probably turned the knife a little but obviously this woman is having a hard time coping with her losses. Her reaction was incredibly emotional and not all barren women would react this way.
Although I want to remain empathetic towards your collegue, I do find her ways to cope are misleading. You’re not a mind reader NTA
You didn’t know she was infertile, and what you said wasn’t really that rude. It’s unfortunate that she can’t have kids, but she can’t expect people to treat her cats as if they are human children.
I do sympathise with her situation and I would recommend you go and apologise or send her a card, because it’s sounds like she’s going through some real shit and it might cheer her up.
I understand how she could be upset. Wanting children and not being able to get them must be a huge pain. You, on the other hand, made a valid point. You didn’t do it with any malicious intent, just tried to explain to her why things are the way they are. No reason for you to be called an asshole over it.
1) How were you supposed to know this was a sore spot for her?
2) Feeling excluded from (human) mother and baby activities because your “babies” are not babies at all is… super weird.