Now, caught between the fragments of a broken marriage and the responsibility of a son who calls him dad, he faces a cruel paradox: to protect the life he’s given or to free himself from the chains of infidelity and pain. The future is uncertain, but his resolve to no longer be a pawn in her game burns fiercely within him.
My wife and I have been married for nearly 7 years. She cheated on me with a coworker of hers about 5 years back. I’ve been suspicious for the entire year that she was doing it again.
And I was correct. Not sure with who but she lies like a rug now and takes zero response. She blames me for her actions. I’ve been an utterly trainwreck. Depression, too much booze, anxiety through the roof.
All because I knew what she was doing but she gaslit me to the point of near insanity.
So, she doesn’t want a divorce but wants a informal separation. She wants me to get another apartment or house nearby to remain as a family.
Our son is my stepchild. His father died before he was born. I’m the only dad he’s ever known and he is my only child.
My wife wants me to continue paying on our home (I make much more than she does) and pony up more money so she and my boy can continue the lifestyle that I have provided them for years.
I don’t want to be a cuckhold for her ever again nor do I feel I should be obligated to giver her anymore love or money.
So, am I the asshole for planning on moving to another country to restart my life at 53? Or should I stay put and continue to be treated like this?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is grappling with intense emotional fallout, including depression and anxiety, stemming from his wife’s repeated infidelity and subsequent gaslighting. His central conflict is the desire to completely sever ties and seek a new life abroad versus his wife’s expectation that he financially support her and their son in their current lifestyle while remaining geographically close, despite her actions.
Is the OP justified in planning a complete exit to another country to preserve his mental health and dignity, or is he morally obligated, given his role as a father figure and higher earner, to remain nearby and continue underwriting his wife’s lifestyle during an informal separation?
Here’s how people reacted:
What she wants does not matter. She lost the privilege to co-create solutions with you.
Consult a divorce lawyer ASAP which will create an outline of how your divorce can proceed. You’ll likely feel better after the first visit because it’s a tangible act to create a new life chapter. Things will become clearer. Just take 2 days at a time; you’ve been immersed in emotional pain and self mediating behavior. You don’t need to decide today if moving to another country needs to occur early 2025 or later.
This is the time to protect yourself; your mental health, physical, houwing and income. If going away for a 3-day weekend stabilizes you then do it. Your son is 7 (?) so be factual but do so gently when you tell him why you cannot live with him and his mom. Age appropriate language is best and it will be a day that will likely wreck you emotionally so prepare.
You’re being used for her own financial purposes. You deserve to walk away from her and start over. If that means kicking her out of your house, so be it! She caused the problem, let her support herself for a change.
You may have helped raise him, but her son isn’t your child, so other than what you want to give him, you shouldn’t owe her child support – which is another thing she has no right to receive.
With her cheating as the reason for the divorce, you should be able to get her out of your life fairly inexpensively…and you should. Do it now so you can get on with your life. You’re still young enough to find a good woman and start over… you owe it to yourself to do just that.
If you want, you can demand visitation with the boy, especially if you think of him as your son. There’s no reason you can’t start over – what your soon to be ex wants doesn’t matter to anyone but her, and she has NO right to ask you for anything!
Please “move in the shadows”, play dumb while you get your ducks in a row. Right now, she has a lot of confidence that you’ll bend over backwards, because, well, you have so far. Let her think that, but STOP IT. Do better for yourself. Do not do anything out of emotions. Do not try to be extra amicable/accommodating with your finances in the divorce because of “love”. It can and will screw you over in the long run.
YTA asshole to yourself, for taking her back. And I hate to put it this way, but you will deserve everything coming your way if you don’t take this shit seriously and protect yourself. Get a shark of a lawyer.
About a year and a half ago…she started going out after work. She works in a industry with a lot of 5pm to 9pm events. At some point, she started ghosting me, not being honest about where she was or who she was with.
I’d be left at home to take care of my boy. And it consumed to escalate to the point of me walking out. She made me feel insane for even thinking that she was up to no good.
Finally, the evidence came…the dat before Thanksgiving. She got a Versace purse in the mail. I went to see what that would cost (as she would never spend that kinda cash on herself).
Instead of finding a receipt…I found a card with a detailed account of his love for her. It crushed me. Yeah, Thanksgiving was hell on Earth. She told me she gets gifts like that all the time and it wasn’t a big deal. (That should give you an idea of how epic the gaslights are and still remain).
If the house is in your name only, sell it out from under her and use that money to start over…..and don’t tell her anything about your plans
Start over without her, she has no remorse and her level of lack of guilt is astounding. Really sounds like a narcissist. Can you son choose to live with you?
I get it- starting over must sound really tempting … just thinking about what you 10 years from now would say to you now if he could about that relationship with your son
NTA, walk away.
You can obviously stay in touch with the kid (not sure of age), but if you didn’t adopt him, you aren’t financially obligated. Get away from her
You almost certainly have legal obligations toward your wife. And you probably have ethical obligations toward your stepson. Find a lawyer **now**. Do nothing unless your lawyer gives permission.
However, you can try to maintain a relationship with your stepson if you want what with the history.
Try to be supportive of the boy.