While his sister effortlessly excels, he faces the crushing weight of expectations and misunderstanding, yearning to break free from the unfair comparisons. His story is one of quiet resilience, the painful gap between effort and recognition, and the desperate hope that his worth will one day be seen beyond grades.
I [17M] have a twin sister [17F]. Our parents have always kind of had us compete with each other and are especially sticklers for academics. My sister has always done much better than me on that front.
Tbh, I’ve always found school very frustrating. It’s not like I’m thick or anything, I know loads of stuff and often know the answers in class, I’ve just always struggled with focusing and putting my thoughts together coherently in a way teachers like.
I also have a horrible memory, so exams are a nightmare; I can study and study and study something for hours sometimes and still not remember it when it comes to the test. And that’s when I can study – sometimes I honestly really really want to but I just can’t.
Like I’ll sit there, staring at my workbook for ages and there’s just some block where I can’t do it. My parents just kind of ignore all this and tell me to study harder like my sister.
I try some of her study methods, and some of them help, but mostly they don’t work for me. I always kinda thought I was just doomed to be shit at education.
I started dating a boy about a year ago whose big sister is a psychologist. A few months ago, he and I were talking about school while she was in the room and she kinda said “sorry to butt in, but have you ever been tested for ADHD?” I said I hadn’t, because I didn’t think I had it.
The image I had of ADHD was always the rambunctious kid who played class clown, which is very much not me. She explained that wasn’t always the case and a lot of the things I was describing sounded like ADHD symptoms.
I relayed this to my parents and they both (especially my mum) got upset and said that I’m just looking for a way to not take accountability and that ADHD didn’t exist in their day.
I got upset, but talked to my BFs sister again, and she pointed me in the right direction to go and talk to people about it without my parents overseeing. Obviously with the Rona, it was difficult but I managed to get the necessary appointments and finally had it comfirmed that I have ADHD.
Now my parents are mad. They keep on about how I’m just trying to remove responsibility and how they don’t recognise the diagnosis as valid. They’ve also said they don’t want me talking to my boyfriend any more, saying his family are a bad influence.
We’re both upset about it. Was it a bad idea for me to go get the diagnosis when they told me not to?
Conclusion
The user is struggling with parental dismissal of their newly confirmed ADHD diagnosis, which directly conflicts with their parents’ insistence on academic perfection modeled after their twin sister. The central conflict arises from the parents viewing the diagnosis as an excuse rather than a legitimate explanation for the user’s long-standing academic difficulties.
Given the parental rejection of the diagnosis and the attempt to control the user’s social influences, the core question remains: Should the user prioritize seeking validation and support from external sources, like their boyfriend’s family, even if it directly defies their parents’ explicit instructions regarding relationships and personal health choices?
Here’s how people reacted:
But ADD is a lot harder to diagnose in girls since without the hyperactivity, their symptoms are a lot more subtle. We may have to get one of our daughters tested too now – we are just concerned about the medicine possibly causing weight loss as she is already very slender. :/
Comparing yourself to your sister and competing with her in terms of your grades is an absurd thing to encourage as a parent and might damage your relationship in the future.
You are not looking for a way to not take accountability and that is clear to see. Understanding a condition is the first step towards living with it.
ADHD did exist in ‘her day’, it just wasn’t known as ADHD. I’d be very surprised if the label ‘ADHD’ didn’t exist in ‘her day’ actually.
You’re almost 18, have the maturity of an adult and therefore can do this without your parents’ consent. You want to get a diagnosis test? You do you.
Also not wanting you to see your boyfriend because of this argument is incredibly immature. It certainly sounds like your boyfriend and his family are trying to help you. Your parents, on the other hand, are denying its existence. That says it all. Your parents are the AHs here.
And add/adhd is not an excuse, it is a reason/explanation. You are not just easily distracted, you get diagnosed when all your symptoms interfere with your everyday life. You can’t tell someone with bad eyesight to just see better, you give them glasses.
Btw, there are a lot of study techniques that work better for people with adhd (tomorrow timer, repetition, game learning) the gist of all of them is that you get rewards for what you do.
Good luck, and ignore your parents, they should educate themselves about adhd
Update to post: didn’t realize that ADD was no longer a diagnosis but rather ADHD manifests as both internal and external hyperactivity. It’s been a long time since I researched it. Thanks y’all for helping me to understand!
Since you’re still a minor, you’ll need a way to deal with your parents being such buttheads about your diagnosis. Maybe the person who diagnosed you can help with that.
But perhaps the most useful thing right now would be to consistently tell your parents that, whether or not they believe it, you aren’t looking to avoid responsibility. You want to get help so you can take better responsibility for things *in ways that work for you*. And point out instances in which you’ve succeeded.
Unbelievable!!
There still remains a taboo around mental health, and it is people like your parents who perpetuate those sorts of views.
It sounds like your bf’s family is actually much more supportive than your actual family.
You did the right thing. My parents were similar. Not really believing there was anything wrong with me, just that I was lazy and needed to try harder. Now I’m getting tested as a adult. So much could have been easier for me if I’d have had access to meds years ago.
Make sure you have your diagnosis on paper, or better yet, digitally.
If you decide go to college, let them know. Some colleges have special accommodations.
If this diagnosis leads to different approaches and better grades then NTA. If all it gives you is a label for why you’re not doing well in school, then NAH.
Good for you OP, they can make accomodations now to help you find the right way for you to learn
Medication for ADHD can have a very positive life changing effect
You have to use facebook.