I mean — maybe you were, maybe you weren’t, you definitely weren’t kind about it, but was your goal to be Mr. Nice Guy here? I’m doubting it was, so why does it matter? She was being cold and callous, you processed as much as you could and returned the favor, so even if you were a bit of an AH who cares ? Seems like she got about as much kindness as she gave in the process — I guess you were nice enough to give her her makeup and hair products and useless phone. I mean you even let her keep the engagement ring to pawn. None of that will get her very far in this economy – guess she’ll have to find another mug or a job real fast, and after so many years out of the job market and without a computer that will be rough.

You did manage to finally get some emotion out of her by keeping everything – I’m guessing even some things you neither needed and probably some shit you didn’t even want. But you got your emotional reaction out of her by keeping everything.

I guess she should’ve gotten married if she wanted to take half or something. Hard lessons for both of you here, but as the breadwinner you ended up with the last laugh I guess. So were you the AH? Of course, a bit. Isn’t that the point when someone does you dirty? You wanted her to feel the hurt you felt, and you used the leverage you had to do it. She had your heart, you had the purse strings. She cut your heart strings, you cut the purse strings. Both make people cry.

I would say, without being cruel, YTA. This is for a few reasons:

1. As user cherryyycrisp noted, “your behavior toward your ex, seems unnecessarily, harsh, and vindictive.“ You supported her for 9 years, and it sounds like you necessarily came to that decision jointly. To then essentially tell your partner of almost a decade, “Tough shit, you own none of your own things,” is cruel.

2. Your general behavior in the wake of the breakup does not sound to me like someone who genuinely cares about their partner. For example, you almost immediately asked for your key back, rather than trying to have a constructive dialogue about what went wrong.

3. Similarly, you’re acting as if you allowing her to keep minor things her phone is some incredibly generous act. Dude, you were together for nine years. Do you really expect her to be without a car at 33 (which you said you got back) AND a phone?

4. Finally, and perhaps most telling, you’re posting in AITAH forum, yet you’re closing your post with the sentence. “It is what it is. And it’s not my problem.” This doesn’t strike me as someone who is genuinely curious whether they’re the asshole. Rather, it strikes me as someone who wants to drag their ex and is simply looking for validation to do so. That’s not the point of this forum at all.

If you’re wondering if you’re the asshole, at the very least don’t end the entire post with a conclusion statement.

I did the same thing to my ex of 10 years. We seemed perfect amd happy but he was perfectly happy I on the other hand was not. I was raised by a single father who didn’t teach me well on relationships so I just did what I knew how to do and that was pretending and I did that very well.my ex had no idea how unhappy I was because I never said anything never spoke about it or talked to him just went along my day like nothing was wrong but grateful the moments he left for 8 hour work days. This went on for too long till one day I just packed my things and left amd went to stay at a girlfriends house. The only thing is we didn’t share bank accounts we just had the stuff in the house and my clothes and makeup. I took my personal use items and left everything else behind. Everything we accumulated together. You have every right to keep what belongs to you and the house. Regardless of what was gained together it belongs to the house so it stays. Don’t feel bad for not letting her take advantage of you anymore. If she was a big enough person to walk away, she is big enough to start over with her own things too. You did what married men do, took care of all her needs. That was perfect for then. Now it’s time for you to move on and set healthy boundaries for your future self. You come first!

It’s a rough spot to be in, and I feel for you. It’s almost as if ur dealing with a sudden personal recession: the emotional investment u made has plummeted, leaving u to navigate the aftermath. It’s natural to seek a rationale or signs in hindsight, but the truth is, sometimes the end comes like a thief in the night; quietly, unexpectedly, leaving u to question the security u once felt. The abruptness of her departure and her readiness to move on suggest that she had been emotionally divesting for some time, whether that was apparent or not. For u, the shock is a testament to ur commitment and the value u placed on the relationship. It’s ok to mourn that loss, to feel the sting of betrayal not by disaffection but by surprise. Just remember, in time, this can be a catalytic moment for personal development. When the dust settles, use this as a foundation for building a future that’s more resilient, self-reliant, and, when ur ready, open to someone who aligns with ur level of commitment. Life has a brutal way of teaching us that not all investments yield predictable returns, but it’s those unexpected turns that can lead us to wiser, more fulfilling ventures ahead.

Info: could any of the things she wanted to take but you kept be considered gifts? Obviously it’s fine to take back a car that’s yours but she drove, but if you gave it to her as a gift, you can’t just take back gifts. I ask because personal electronic are usually bought for someone rather than joint items so would likely fall under gifts.

Does she have any way to access her files that were on the laptop eg cloud storage? Even if she doesn’t own the laptop and it wasn’t a gift, she probably owns photos and files that are on it and should get that data back. If you won’t let her have the laptop, you need to work with her to get her copies of her files, and then delete them off the laptop so you don’t keep a copy.

NTA

The problem is she thought because you just gave her want she wanted for all those years, she thought you let her take the laptop, car and everything else.

Honestly, she probably saw this playing out with op going to a hotel for a few nights and then coming by to talk about how he was going to get an ‘divorced dad ‘apartment and let her stay in the house.

Op, question, if she hadn’t said she just stopped loving you would you have done things differently? I’m just wondering if the kind of cold and blasé way she broke up with you influenced some of your actions?

And that’s not to say any of your actions were wrong, you completely did the right thing.

If you had an agreement that she can be a stay at home wife and it this was something you liked, then to say she has nothing sounds unfair to me. Did she take care of the house? Did she take care of you? Did her freedom give you benefits you otherwise would not have had? Did you two live with a shared enconomy?

If you have been together for 9 years and you love her deeply and had this dynamic of you provide, she take care of you and the house, I find it cold to leave her with no nothing just because she has fallen out of love. I atleast could never have the heart to do it to my wife which I want to be a stay at-home wide.

NTA. While your actions may seem harsh, it’s understandable that after a breakup, especially after such a long relationship where you financially supported her, you would want to reset and move on. It sounds like she didn’t contribute to the relationship in a way that involved working or maintaining financial independence, and now that the relationship is over, you’re rightly taking back the things that were yours, including financial responsibilities. It’s a tough situation, and while your approach could have been more empathetic, you’re not obligated to support her anymore, especially since she ended the relationship.

Why did you let her stay home and not work if you knew in case of a break up you would leave her with nothing? For that YTA: for wanting to flaunt your financial power and show that you can support her doing nothing instead of encouraging her to get a job and equally contribute in the relationship! Give a man a fish….

You’re NTA for not giving her anything that isn’t hers, bcuz that wouldn’t be fair, since she didn’t work for it. Tho, I wonder about the car: if you bought it for her, isn’t it hers to keep? Take your name off the insurance, sure, but isn’t it hers now?

Why do women do this to themselves now? Granted I’m older, but I always made sure that I was bringing in enough to support myself, then later, myself and my kids, because you never know what’s coming. This was all during my happy relationship with my children’s father. Why risk your own future because you want to cosplay some fantasy version of the 1950s? Obviously I feel for op, he must be devastated (please don’t let her back) but he still has the life that he worked so hard to build and he can lean on that to get him through while she has nothing! And it’s het fault!

It’s entirely possible that she’d been preparing herself for the inevitable well before dropping the news on you, which might explain her seemingly cool demeanor. Sometimes people emotionally check out of a relationship before it officially ends. It’s a defense mechanism. Shock on your end, however, could mean you weren’t reading the signs or were in denial about the state of your relationship.

Regardless, it’s an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Take it as a learning experience, and approach your next relationship with greater awareness and communication.

NTA. I was in a very similar situation. A long story short: I got cancer. I guess that was too much for them and they wanted out of the relationship. I didn’t fight them too much. We’d been dating only a couple of years. But let me tell you, they felt super entitled to all sorts of things that were not theirs. They ended up with a suitcase of their things, and nothing else. They tried to take me to court over the return of items, but the whole thing ended up being thrown out.

You got this, man. Reach out if you need support.

Gentle YTA. Because I know you’re hurting from the breakup.

I think helping her get on her feet after a breakup like this is crucial. You made the choice together for her to not work. It’s not easy to get a job after 7 years of not working. Like someone said in the comments, in some countries she would be entitled to a lot more than just the clothes on her back.

Work together on a timeline for separating financially that works for the both of you. That would be the mature thing to do.

Yta. Gifts are gifts, and she built a life with you. Yeah, she wants to split up, and yeah, you shouldn’t keep supporting her, but she contributed to your relationship over time. Did she cook? Clean? Provide companionship?

If it’s her laptop that you gave her, let her take it. Don’t leave her in a worse spot than when you found her.

Don’t be bitter. You’re a catch, dude. You’ll find someone else, but don’t do your ex dirty.

It’s a rough spot to be in, and I feel for you. It’s almost as if you’re dealing with a sudden personal recession: the emotional investment you’ve made has plummeted, leaving you to navigate the aftermath. It’s natural to seek a rationale or signs in hindsight, but the truth is, sometimes the end comes like a thief in the night; quietly, unexpectedly, leaving you to question the security you once felt.

NTA – Regardless if there were signs or not, she had to have known what separation would look like in the end. Just because she lived with you does not give her ownership to things in the house. Now on the other hand if you bought stuff for her that were gifts it is kind of a jerk move to keep it when everything is said and done. I assume this was a laptop that you guys shared and not her pets laptop?

YTAH. What state are you in? It doesn’t matter your opinion. She gets half in a community property state. You’re also going to be on the hook for alimony most likely. If you aren’t in a community property state she will still likely get half.

The reason for the dissolution of the relationship matters naught. She gets half.

If you don’t like that, be more cautious in your next relationship.

yes and no. You bought her things, you didn’t buy it for yourself and let her use it. So it belongs to her. No?

It is understandable not to pay her subscriptions and phone contract anymore but the things you bought her, I think are hers to keep.

Did she keep the house clean? Did she cooked for you, did the laundry? You didn’t mention these things.

Its kinda important.

I can see where you’re coming from, but it feels like things got pretty harsh, especially since she didn’t have much to fall back on. I get that you’re hurt and upset, but sometimes a little more compassion can go a long way in these situations, even if you feel like she doesn’t deserve it.

YTA. While I understand that you’re hurt and upset by the breakup, your behavior toward your ex seems unnecessarily harsh and vindictive. In a relationship where one person hasn’t worked for years and has been financially supported by the other, it’s a difficult transition when it ends.

NTA. She fucked around and found out.

She’ll put up with the performamce for a while and then come to the ‘epiphany’ in a few weeks that’s she’s found herself and does love you (and the house and the not working and getting stuff ofcourse) and you should get married.

Firstly, the reason why she seemed nonchalant about breaking up with you is because she’d been dealing with this for longer than you. The fact that you’re stunned by in indicates that you either lack attention or just didn’t care.

Seems she made the correct decision.

When she comes crawling back, and she definitely will, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! Yall have no kids, you have no reason to indulge her fuckery! Block her and forget she exists! What made her think she could keep a whole damn car??? My gob has been smacked at her audacity!

You did right.

But she must have been REALLY clueless or just plain stupid not to figure out before hand that this would be the result.

Every other conniving bitch I’ve ever encountered would have cleaned you out before “the talk” ever happens.

YTA. In some countries, she would be entitled to half of everything. She didn’t cheat on you, didn’t abuse you, just calmly left you? She’s allowed to do that. This is very vindictive. Either way, she’s better off without you or the laptop and car

I know the other guys here will downvote me to hell but YTA. She can actually claim financial costs against you as a de facto.

Also screaming what you did at someone is a trash move.

NTA but be careful she doesn’t try to come for alimony or half of your things. I don’t know what laws are like where you live but I do believe she’s entitled to half in certain areas

9 years without a marriage contract in between. Yikes. Let this story be a lesson to those reading it. As judge Judy said one time on her show, “this is why people get married.”

You’ve been super generous for years, but when she ended things, it’s only fair to cut the financial ties. She had a choice, and now she needs to deal with the consequences.

Wouldn’t surprise me if she was seeing someone else and had a side piece. OP doesn’t have any obligation to he’d. She’s the one that wanted to end it so buh bye NTA

INFO: why did you agree to financially support her? Another separate question: did you think she would be less likely to leave you if you paid for her?

Hopefully she learned a hard lesson about being self reliant and independent. I would have let her have the laptop and any portable devices though…

NTA. Why on earth should she get to keep items in your home that *you* purchased? Thems the breaks when you have someone else pay for everything.

ESH. This should serve as a cautionary tale to any girl or woman who wants to be a stay at home girlfriend. You’ll end up with nothing.

NTA If she wants to act like the last 9 years meant nothing then so should you . I don’t think she thought this through

In my country everything is split 50/50 after 2 years living together, married or not.

It’s time for her to take responsibility for her own life.

She was naive and clueless. A bitch slap lesson in life