When a video surfaced showing an uncle defying these boundaries, it shattered the fragile trust and respect they had tried to uphold. What was meant to be a tender moment of family bonding instead became a powerful reminder of how easily love and fear can collide, leaving wounds that may take far longer than the newborns’ first weeks to heal.
My brother (28/M) and his gf (24/F) just had twins. Prior to the birth they sent a paragraph into a family gc expressing their rules for visiting them in the hospital “Please do not carry the babies for now”.
The day after the birth me (23/F) and my sister (24/F) were talking to the mom. I asked if her stance on the babies being touched or carried still remains and she said it does she continued with how people in our family work construction and smoke cigarettes (does not apply to me nor my sister) and doesnt want to risk the germs.
She used her cousin as an example, he had just came from work (construction) and wanted to touch the babies which she said no, I asked if he had showered prior to coming if she would’ve allowed it.
she nodded no.
Last night I was showing my bf the photos i took of the twins when I received a notification from the family gc, I immediately clicked to see it, it was a video with this caption “uncle came to visit the babies!” i played the video and it showed the mom on the hospital bed with a baby in the bassinet next to her, her brother is standing over the bassinet reaching in and touching her head as you hear the mom saying “isnt her head soft” when the video suddenly disappears!
the video and message were unsent. Immediately a picture is sent instead with the same caption (this all happened in a matter of seconds) The photo is the same situation as the video except her brother has his hands behind his back and the mom is holding on to the bassinet.
I immediately called my sister to tell her. we were both angry. We texted our brother saying we saw the video and he never responded while being active in other chats.
Some background: throughout the pregnancy they vocalized not wanting anyone to touch the kids my brother had told me he was struggling to find the words to tell my mom that she wasn’t going to be allowed to touch or carry the kids.
There have been times where my brother tells us one thing until he hears his girlfriend say something else and changes his mind. Twins’ grandmother on the moms side is carrying the babies, feeding, touching, etc.
I can kind of understand only trusting your own mother to care for your kids I still find it unfair for my mother who is just as much a grandmother. BUT her 17 year old brother? who they always complain about going out clubbing every night until 5 am?
My sister works an office job and I work because I moved away and went to visit for this reason only.
My sister and I confronted my brother over the phone today (he was alone) and he just said that her brother was able to touch one of them because he simply asked and “the mother allowed him to” he said we could’ve gone freshly showered and asked.
we said no because we were respecting their very much communicated boundaries. I’m upset because why does her mom and brother get to touch them but not my brother’s mom or sisters?
Am i the asshole for confronting/coming at him for that?
Conclusion
The original poster and their sister feel deeply hurt and excluded because the new parents established strict hygiene rules against holding the newborns, yet these rules appeared to be ignored for the mother’s side of the family, specifically her 17-year-old brother. This situation highlights a clear conflict between the parents’ stated need to protect their twins from germs and the perceived double standard being applied to the father’s family members.
Is the original poster justified in feeling that the parents violated the communicated boundaries by allowing the mother’s brother to handle the babies after forbidding others, or must the couple maintain full autonomy over who touches their children, regardless of perceived fairness to the extended family?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your brother just had twins and you’re more concerned about the exact policing of baby touching rules than you are the well-being of his poor girlfriend WHO JUST HAD TWINS. Maybe she forgot and let her brother touch them. Maybe he was pushy and annoying and she gave in out of exhaustion. Maybe, being 17, he still lives with the gf’s mom and she figures any germs he has are probably already being passed to the baby via her anyway.
Regardless of why it’s not really your business. The babies aren’t going to remember who held them for their first few weeks on the planet, but their parents will surely remember which family member’s petty grievances caused them unnecessary stress during that time.
You can whine and cry about how it’s unfair, or you can grow up and adjust your priorities to loving your brother and supporting his new family. I can’t imagine “confronting” my brother about anything short of a truly dire issue days after the birth of his twins. Undoubtedly they’re both exhausted and terrified as new parents tend to be. If that leads to being a little overprotective and inconsistent you could choose to be a bigger person and get over it.
Wow. Imagine throwing a tantrum over something like this? You were told not to touch the babies to prevent passing on germs. Maybe your family lacks a level of hygiene that feels safe and gf doesn’t want to say that outright. Why do you need to touch newborn babies so much anyway? They are extremely vulnerable and any simple health issue for an older child or an adult could be life threatening for a newborn. This is a time to celebrate these new family members not whinge over who gets to do what. I kept my partners family away from my baby because they lack basic hygiene and can’t follow simple directions like “Don’t kiss baby”. Maybe you are the problem here and gf is just trying not to tell you that. Just follow the rules set out for you and quit complaining.
To me it seems to be: Both have the same idea, both want to increase the chances for their babies to be safe. But at the same time both have a light problem to stand up for their decision against own near familymembers (your brother when it comes to his mom – his wife when it comes to her mom and brother).
The situation should not be about “we want justice and an equal stage of the situation”. It should only be about the parents decision to increase the safety of their newborn children.
Some do not even allow visitors (even near familymembers) near their newborn for a span of time (to reduce the risk that the newborn is infected with a virus).
“Congratulations,bro, now we have our things to do. Nope, we won’t shower and wear full lab gear to touch your baby. You made rules,now you two go live with them. We are going camping/dancing/feeding hummingbirds. Bye”
Pestering him more with make you two assholes, he is kinda busy now.
A lot of people (especially first-time parents) don’t want others touching their newborns. A newborn’s immune system is not ready to be bombarded by even the normal, every-day pathogens that you and every other person on this planet has.
Your brother even said that he would have made the same exception for you that they did for gf’s brother: the difference is, gf’s brother *asked.*
You never asked. You just talked behind your brother’s back about his rule and festered in your hurt feelings.
Just drop it and move on. This is not important but you’re making it into an issue that could affect your future relationship with your brother, sister in law and nieces/nephews.
My family will be allowed to touch/hold my upcoming baby because I know what their hygiene is like – but my in-laws are a hard pass. To you, your family’s hygiene may be acceptable but to the new parents it might not be? Definitely worth speaking to your brother but try not to push too hard as he has a lot on his plate right now.
Are they premies, just a little early, or miracle full term twins?
Regardless of cook time, twin pregnancies and births are both more difficult on the mom.
Even if she had an easy pregnancy it was still taxing on her physically and mentally.
If this boundary is helping mom and dad feel less anxious/stressed and your brother is agreeing with the boundary, YTA for not respecting your brother.
Assume for now you can’t touch the babies, don’t worry about what anyone else is doing, and next time you’re with them *in person* if you really want to hold a baby, ask politely, and don’t argue with whatever the answer is.
But I wouldn’t waist my time on this.
I have a niece and nephew and if my brother had forbidden me of touching them, I would just not touch them until they said I could, even if it takes years to happen, but I wouldn’t change any of my routine or plans to go see them, or help them. I would be petty. It’s their decision, but it’s also mine to stay around them.
Lay off your brother and try asking how you can be helpful. Being a new parent is a lot.