She understood his resistance to the idea of marriage, his belief that love needed no government seal, yet her soul craved that declaration, a moment to hold onto amidst their chaotic journey. As their anniversary passed without a ring, the unspoken tension between them grew, a fragile line between love’s quiet strength and the pain of unfulfilled promises.
My (30F) bf (33M) have been together for over 5 years & have a 1-year-old son together. We’ve been homeless together, lost a baby together and slowly built our lives back up. He never liked the idea of marriage, saying, “I don’t see why the gov’t has to be involved & why we should have to prove our love to anyone.” I get it, but marriage/a proposal are very important to me.
He said he’d marry me because he plans on being with me indefinitely anyway & because he thinks it’d be good for our son. During my pregnancy he mentioned several times that he wanted to get married before our son was born.
I waited but never got a proposal or anything.
Last month was our 5 year anniversary & I thought it’d be great to get married that day. I was heartbroken he still never proposed, especially because he proposed to his last gf before me with a ring & everything.
I let the idea of a romantic proposal go & reminded myself that marrying him was the most important part. He said if we could pull it off he was fine with it. He wanted nothing to do with setting it up, which was okay with me.
Even for our baby shower he said he didn’t want to hear about it, so a family friend & I took care of it ourselves. I changed my schedule at work, picked a location, time, 2 witnesses & someone ordained to officiate (it was meant to be a small ceremony just to sign the license to make it legal).
I ran some of the details by him throughout planning & he kept agreeing they were fine.
2 days before the wedding, the day I planned to go get the license, he said he felt “forced & pushed into getting married” & didn’t like the idea of doing it now. So I had to cancel everything & explain to everyone at work when they asked how the wedding went.
It was so pathetic & humiliating. I went into a major depressive episode & didn’t even think we would be together much longer. He said he’d definitely marry me eventually but not now.
I told him after what happened I would NEVER bring up marriage to him again. His response was, “Okay, great! That’s awesome!” (not sarcastic at all, just completely relieved & happy).
But I also told him that I wouldn’t just be his gf forever. He didn’t seem bothered by that, he was just happy I’d shut the fuck up about getting married to him.
He recently introduced me to someone as, “This is my wife, Alicia”. It felt like a slap in the fucking face. He’d referred to me as his wife occasionally throughout the years before the wedding fiasco, but the fact that he still today calls me his wife really upsets me, because he fucked off that chance when he had it.
Would I be the asshole if I told him I don’t appreciate being called his wife after everything that happened & to not refer to me as such? I wanna make sure I’m not in the wrong before I bring it up & potentially cause an argument over it.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is deeply conflicted, feeling hurt and invalidated because her partner refused to follow through on a plan to legalize their long-term commitment, only to continue using the title of ‘wife.’ This situation highlights a significant gap between the OP’s need for formal commitment and her boyfriend’s desire for a commitment-free partnership, despite their shared history and child.
Given that the boyfriend is happy to call her his wife casually but actively avoided the legal commitment when the time came, is the OP justified in demanding he stop using the title ‘wife’ now, or is this demand another form of pressuring him toward the marriage he explicitly rejected?
Here’s how people reacted:
I use to wait too. Hoping the my guy would get it. Would get on the same page as me for the important things. I knew, and know he loves me. Human nature is a funny thing though. We often take the easier course, when offered it, don’t we? So we get stuck in patterns we don’t want to be stuck in, because they somehow seem easier.
I stopped hoping, and straight up put my foot down. Mine wasn’t about marriage, but it was about something I valued, and it related back to me having respect for myself as well. I told him directly “This is what I need to be happy. I love you, and want you to be happy too, so I understand if it can’t happen. But I’m not staying with things the way they are. Here is the time line I expect these things to happen, and if they don’t, I’m going to leave. I’m making that choice, and you have choices to make too, both of those choices have consequences, and now my cards are all on the table. I know what I’m hoping for, but please know that I love you and understand no matter what you choose.” It was probably the hardest and scariest thing I’ve ever done, and it made our relationship a little harder for a while, but he did choose me, and we are a lot stronger for it. Every day I know he choose me, and it makes me love him even more.
If you to do something like that though, you have to be 100% serious, because if you don’t follow through nothing you ever say will ever hold any weight ever again.
You’ve been together for a long time, and have gone through a lot together, but there are an awful lot of red flags here… Are you suuuuuuure that you want to be with him? It sounds like he’s never going to propose. I’m sorry 🙁
He’s done nothing to earn the right to call you that.
Tell him. And next time he introduces you like that, say “Hi. I’m Alicia. His girlfriend. We’re not married.”
Correct this every time. He’s embarrassed? It’s awkward? Well. How embarrassing and awkward was it for you to call off your ceremony and explain it to people?
And break up with this loser. If he’s going to pull some shit like that, then you shouldn’t be depending on him for anything. Who knows when the next time he’ll flip and start gaslighting you will be (and make no mistake, he was absolutely gaslighting you).
Get him in therapy or get yourself out of the relationship.
Here are some things you are now free to do that would still not make you the asshole.
Get your own apartment
Get child support
Start dating other people who mean what they say.
You do not need to discuss any of the above with him, because nothing this man has to say means anything. The man is a joke.
I feel you deserve some clarity. He doesn’t want to marry you but he feels the need to introduce you as his wife?
He has no desire to get married and needs to stop calling you his wife.
Also, you should make sure you have your finances set up so you would be okay if this relationship doesn’t work out.