So, here’s the thing: we are all crafted by our experiences. I have two special needs kids and as a result our who family does various forms of therapy nearly every day of the week, plus the parent training, etc. We’ve done – I basically live/think/breathe “therapy speak”. And I can’t help but recognize the same attributes in others that I see in them because I have a lot of familiarity with it. I will also often use the same strategies I use on my kids with adults to help smooth situation and make everyone have a happy outcome. For example, I often use declarative language over imparitive language by default. I do this with friends and coworkers as well as children. This isn’t a conscious choice, it’s an ingrained habit – when out to dinner, I might say “I wonder what sounds good to you.” Rather than”What sounds good?” – its a subtle difference, but one invites conversation while the other demands a response. Both are ways of inquiring what the other person is thinking of ordering, but the approach is different and I’ve developed the habit of “undemanding language” because with my kids (autism and ADHD this is extremely helpful for them).

However – What you’re doing is a conscious choice, and while you’re doing it with good intentions, to make him feel comfortable, you’re still manipulating his emotions. It would be far better to have an open and honest conversation with him about his actions rather than manipulating him with candy.

I hate to say it but YTA. This is manipulation, even if it is for the “good” of another. You do not remove another person from the decision-making process. You do not decide the direction his life should take and then behave in a way to produce that result – without his consent. This is how advertisers condition consumers to buy things. They know what works and they do it.

On a personal level, I very much sympathize but, this is unethical. How hard would it be to say, “I noticed you like a little treat and it brightens your day so, I bought this candy to keep around for that purpose.” ? Why can’t you just say what you are doing? It’s 50/50 it would still work. “I noticed you don’t like to share food so I bought extra so we can splurge.” It’s the hiding of motives that is your problem. If he pushes back and is defensive, now you have more info and can have a conversation about it.

Humans have a verbal language. Dogs do not. You need to more fully interact with this HUMAN. You need to understand his perspective in this, not just your assessment of him.

I’m going hot take here and going to tell you that behavior modification is not a bad thing. It’s literally what we learn in therapy and work on with workbooks. I argue that his motivations are going to be much more complex than crate aggression or food motivation, but someone with a bad childhood may exhibit some of these traits you speak of like resource guarding and territorial behavior of items. Especially if there was food insecurity and they often went without. I would suggest that having “treats” at hand for vulnerable moments is a big tell and will be noticed and anyone would feel dehumanized by that like others stated.

But you aren’t wrong for noticing trends. It is your job and people follow patterns of behavior even if others don’t want to admit it. My advice is keep your thoughts to yourself about it and don’t speak about it because people are not going to understand. Approach this as a way to help someone find good coping mechanisms and healthy outlets for themselves.

Men do not respond to caretaking and nurturing by thinking “romance” or “future wife!” He is likely to respond by thinking, “Best friend” or worst of all, Mommy!”

Don’t work any harder at helping him feel comfortable than he is working to make you comfortable.

“Rescuing” a guy from his moments of vulnerability around you isn’t exactly a great dynamic for a relationship. Giving him a sweet treat any time he feels uncomfortable is not going to result in him liking you more but unfortunately it is probably going to backfire. Men like a chase and a challenge. If you’d like to consider his brain akin to a dog’s, then picture a working group hound or a retriever chasing through the meadow. Now you’ve got it!

YTA. Your job when dating someone is not to fix them. You take them as they are. Even if what you’re doing has good intentions and could have benefits for him in a therapeutic sense you can’t give someone therapy without permission? Like others have said, speak to him about what you’ve noticed and try and have a conversation about him opening up etc but ‘training’ him to be more vulnerable isn’t the play, it’s weird and if you’re friend noticed eventually he will too.

YTA in a very major way. Your friend is right.

It’s absolutely bananas that you think a dog’s motivations, needs, and behaviors mirror a human’s.

This is the definition of de-humanizing someone. You are literally treating him like a dog. If you took a few seconds to think about that or actually empathize at all with him, it’d be so obvious. The fact you haven’t realized it on your own leads me to believe you’re not thinking or empathizing in a genuine way.

Dog trainer here. Beheaviors techniques work with all animales and I use some with My kids but but some of what You are doing is messed up.

We are always complaining about human anthopormizing their dogs and You are doing the exact same thing when You ready dog beheaviors in a human.

I also doubt that and M&M would be good for reinforcing a grownup beheavior. The values of the stimuli is just to low.

Just stay away from the shock collars.

Seriously…I dunno? I know if my wife was using training techniques to get me to “behave” I’d be pretty pissed about it.

A aignificant difference between people and dogs is that people can talk.

If you’re talking to him by giving him treats, something might be amiss in the communication department. 

Try having a conversation? 

Soft YTA. 

You aren’t treating him like a dog. You are using skills you use while training dogs that help him cope. Maybe have a conversation and tell him you notice certain things and that you do certain things to help, but leave out that you are comparing him to a dog. You are using what you know. People do that. But don’t call it training him like a dog.

YTA. At first I just thought you were being perceptive and relating what you saw to your experience with dogs, but then you literally starting “training” him with food. That’s manipulative. You’re trying to condition him Jim and Dwight style. Dating is about getting to know someone, not changing their behavior to make them what you want.

YTA, wtf is wrong with you. if the genders were switched reddit would be losing it.

“specific purpose of offering the girl one when i see her, and offering them again whenever i can tell she feels vulnerable. she said that im being an asshole bc she’s a person, not a dog so i shouldn’t be “training her like one.”

I think it’s a bit strange to offer your bf 1 M&M every time you see him. Even if it is to help him feel more comfortable with you. What about communicating… like using words. Telling him what you like about him. Eventually through communication and doing things together, he’ll feel more comfortable with you.

NTA. It’s rough out there. You’re just working with what you’ve got lol.

Honestly, most people do this kind of stuff unconsciously. I definitely do this kind of stuff with my boyfriend, just without the dog training terminology lol. Don’t feel bad about it. Your friend is the weird one imo.

NTA. You’re thinking about things in a weird way, but actually you’re being kind and attentive to his needs. You’re noticing hus troubles and working with them, that’s typically called kindness.

Just alter your language around it, and perhaps tell him what you’re doing and you’ll be fine!

NTA as long as you don’t abuse your power. Everyone does something that annoys someone else. If you can use the training in a positive way (both of you benefit), then you’re fine. It’s when you trade M&Ms for shoes, clothing, and jewelry that you become a villain.

I feel like you should point these traits out to him and ask him how he feels about himself rather than doing this behind his back.. you‘re NTA for applying what you‘ve learned but you also shouldn‘t treat him like a dog.

The dog things a bit patronizing but I don’t think you’re really doing harm. If he found out I’m sure he be pissed. Like others say maybe just change the language around it and talk to him. Walking the line of being TA.

If I found out someone was doing this to me, I’d immediately cut them out of my life. It doesn’t matter if your intentions are to help, you are purposefully manipulating him without his consent.

YTA. This is dehumanizing and manipulative. If you struggle this much to connect with other humans, maybe you should focus on that instead of trying to treat everyone like an animal.

As a dog handler i love this! He might be pissy if he finds out, but Idk maybe I’m biased but if it’s helping, keep it up! lol maybe just think of him less like a dog you’re helping

The peanut m&ms is a step too far into Pavlovian training him into liking you. Taking note of behaviors and things you can do to put him at ease are fine. The m&ms are too much.

Yta. Seriously. I imagine the future.

Child: “Mom, how did you handle Dad when you first met him?”

You: “I trained him like I train dogs, darling.”

This cant be Real. I mean did You read your Text?

Unbievable 😂 am i glad to be married and Not needjng to Date this life anymore.

It’s kind of like therapy without telling him it’s therapy!

I don’t know whether or not you’re TA. What do you think?

not an asshole, but you’re kinda treating him like a rescue pet instead of a person. Good intentions, weird execution.

Do you use one of those clickers on him? That might be too much, although I’d like to hear how it goes.

Stop making this dogcentric and just share your M & Ms. That’s fairly normal. Then you will nbtah.

Humans are just another species of animal. Positive reinforcement works on all animals. NTA.

YTA. He’s not a golden retriever,girl. You’re not bonding – you’re behavior -modifying.

The relationship will end when she hits him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Might get flake for this. But YTA. Behavior therapy without concent is wrong.

Sheldon did this to Penny.  “The Gothowitz Deviation” (Season 3, Episode 3)

Sounds super manipulative and condescending. Assholish territory.

Have you had problems with dates humping your leg?

YTA. Bad, bad. Do i have to rub your nose in it?

Just make sure to tell him he’s a good boy!

NTA, but never tell anyone (again)