Now, as they navigate the fragile dance of co-parenting, his demands for transparency feel less like partnership and more like control—a painful reminder that some wounds are slow to heal. She stands firm, protecting her sanctuary and her baby, refusing to let past betrayals dictate the terms of her new life, even as old conflicts threaten to pull them back into the chaos they fought so hard to escape.
I (25F) have a six-month-old baby with my ex (24M), and we’ve been trying to co-parent since we split a few months ago but now he’s saying I’m being an “Asshole” for not telling him everything I do when the baby isn’t even with me.
We were together from high school (2015) up until recently. Our breakup happened shortly after I gave birth, when I found out he had been cheating with multiple women. His excuse? That I wasn’t being “sexual enough” postpartum and he had a “high libido.” Yeah… that was enough for me to walk away.
Since then, I’ve been rebuilding my life. I got more involved in my church, formed new friendships, and started feeling like myself again for the first time in a while. I’ve also done everything I can to keep things calm and respectful for the sake of our baby.
But now, he’s making it an issue that I don’t share details about my personal life with him. He says I should be more “transparent” and that it’s important for co-parenting. He wants to know who I’m hanging out with, what I’m doing, who my new friends are, even if I’m just out while he has the baby.
His reasoning? He tells me about what he’s doing, so I should do the same.
But here’s the thing: I’ve never asked him for any of that information. He voluntarily tells me, “I’m about to hang out with this girl,” or “I’ve been seeing someone new” even when our child is not in his care at the time.
It’s his personal time, and I’ve told him I don’t need or want those updates. Yet now he’s acting like because he shares that info with me, I owe him the same level of openness, even though I’ve never requested it and it’s unrelated to our child.
He’s also been following some of my new friends on social media and asking me questions about them. My account is private, so I don’t know how he’s even finding them. I suspect he’s using a burner account or he’s viewing my church’s page who posts pictures of me and the people I hang out with.
I had to ask them to stop posting me for a while because he was using those posts to find my friends and follow them. He’s never reached out to any of them, but the whole thing feels really creepy and invasive.
It’s crossing a boundary for me.
I’ve talked to some friends about this, and their opinions are mixed. Some say he has a point — that we should be transparent with each other since we share a child. Others think he’s overstepping and that this isn’t part of normal co-parenting, especially since our child hasn’t met any of these people and I’m not dating anyone right now.
Even my mom is siding with him. She’s liked him since we were together in high school, and anytime we argued, she tended to take his side and ask what I did wrong. Now she’s saying I should be open about who I’m hanging out with, for the sake of peace.
I’m not trying to be shady or difficult. I believe in healthy boundaries. If someone’s going to be around my child, I’ll share that. But just living my life and seeing friends when my baby isn’t with me?
I don’t think I owe him a play-by-play.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a conflict where her ex-partner demands complete transparency regarding her personal life, using his own voluntary disclosures as justification. The OP feels this demand infringes on her necessary personal boundaries, especially given the history of infidelity and her desire to rebuild her life separately.
Is the OP correct in maintaining strict boundaries over her private social life, which is unconnected to the baby, or is the ex-partner’s demand for reciprocal openness a necessary component of functional co-parenting after a breakup involving infidelity?
Here’s how people reacted:
I would write an email to your baby’s father
AND an email to your mother
Simply say you are setting boundaries. Here they are and if you keep on getting questions from them you will
1. Require a hand off of child which is not your house and if ex keeps it up you will also have another person there. You will be calling a lawyer because the court can put this in a legal document
And do it lawyers are expensive but it is worth it
2. Tell your mom that she does not support you the way mothers should therefore she will be b on a need to know basis about almost everything and if she doesn’t. Stop with her uncaring, unmotherly opinions you will be cutting off contact with her, or it will be limited. She is making you feel bad about yourself
That’s not necessary knowledge for co-parenting, unless a new person is spending time with your child. FYI – if you’re dating or seeing someone, there’s really no need for them to be involved with your little one until you’ve established whether or not they’ll be around long enough for that level of involvement.
But I digress …. Sounds more like your ex is trying to keep tabs on you, which is also not necessary for successful coparenting. His guilty conscience over his own actions is likely being projected on to you ( because knows what he was up to when you weren’t around)
Stick to your guns, he lost the right to inside knowledge of your life when he did what he did – using your child as a pawn for access is nothing more than manipulation.
I’d only communicate with him via text or a parenting app. If he continues to pressure you, show up where he’s not welcomed, knows things about you that he shouldn’t, you may need a TRO.
And your Mom likes him. Is your Mom sharing info about you? you need to set some firm boundaries with your Mom.
Your church posts pics of you, ask them not to.
If you don’t have a legally binding custody and child support agreement, you should explore getting one, use a lawyer.
If you are in US please call 211 for info on resources in your area. Do not share with friends or family that you have done so.
Congrats on new friends and starting to feel like yourself. You deserve to be able to be yourself and find happiness.
You keep doing what you’re doing and be the best mom you can to your baby. Keep in mind though, when he’s had his fun and gets bored he will be trying to get you back. Don’t bother. That leopard will never change his spots.
It may be sensible to get a legal agreement/go through a court process to formalise things, and in doing so switch to a parenting app.
NTA at all. He is absolutely trying to control you and be in your business. HE is the one who stepped out on you and messed up your relationship. He doesn’t deserve any of your personal time or info anymore. He had his chance.
Drop Mom and these “friends” that back him
Tell him he lost that privilege when he cheated. He can over share if he wants, but you don’t feel the need or obligation.
And tell your mother to stop being so nosy- you are 13 yrs old anymore. Tell her she’s becoming TA
nta at all.
I’d talk to a lawyer about a restraining order.
Okay. This makes sense. NTA though.