As the truth unfolds, the couple faces a silent reckoning between appearance, belief, and scientific fact. What does it mean to belong when the markers of heritage don’t align with the stories passed down through generations? Their story becomes a poignant exploration of how identity is shaped not just by DNA, but by the heart and history we carry within us.
My wife and her mother appear visually to have Native American characteristics, such as dark hair, almond eyes, and high cheekbones, and they maintain a dark complexion from tanning.
When I met my wife, she stated she was part Cherokee, which I believed based on her appearance. For years, she had been asking us to take DNA tests to learn about our heritage; I was told I was mostly white and part Mexican, and she believed she was 10-20% Native American.
About two years ago, we ordered DNA tests. My results confirmed my expected background: mostly Irish, German, French, and about 10% Mexican. My wife’s test results were surprising, showing her as 99.9% European, mostly Irish.
Initially thinking it was an error, we ordered a more detailed 23andMe test, which confirmed the initial findings for both of us; my wife is genetically almost entirely European.
My wife became very upset because her family has passed down for generations that they are part Cherokee, with an ancestor named Nancy Ward. Given the DNA evidence, this lineage seems impossible.
My mother-in-law frequently posts on social media about her Native American heritage and claiming Nancy Ward as an ancestor. Now that I know the truth, I find these posts irritating.
When I spoke to my mother-in-law about the DNA results and suggested she take a test, she became angry and stated, “she knows who her people are and doesn’t need a DNA test to confirm it.” While I believe in being proud of one’s identity, I dislike seeing people claim ethnic identities they do not possess.
I told my wife I wanted to buy her mother a 23andMe test for Christmas, but my wife firmly advised against it, saying it would only anger her mother further and that I should stop pursuing the issue.
This situation continues to bother me because I see her mother constantly discussing her ‘Indian heritage’ and claiming membership in an oppressed group when the evidence suggests otherwise.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant frustration and a feeling of moral indignation because they perceive their mother-in-law (MIL) as falsely claiming a Native American heritage, especially given the definitive DNA test results shared with the wife. The central conflict lies between the OP’s strong belief in factual accuracy and the need to respect familial narratives and the wife’s desire to avoid conflict.
Is the OP justified in continuing to challenge the mother-in-law’s identity claims based on DNA evidence, or should they respect their wife’s plea to drop the issue to maintain peace? Where does personal truth intersect with family tradition and relational harmony?
Here’s how people reacted:
None of the pretendianism prior to the DNA test was intentional because both women had reason to believe they were part Indian. Your wife is not TA for taking the tests or being sincerely shocked at the results since they contradict what she’s been told her whole life. Your MIL is not TA for being shocked either for the same reason, and can probably be excused for whatever nonsense she said in the moment. Neither of them is to blame for believing what they’d been told their whole lives.
All the opportunities for being an AH are in the future.
Of course now that she knows the truth, your MIL will be TA if she continues the pretendianism given that she has no actual tie to the community such as through adoption etc.
I think you are within bounds of decent behavior for bringing up the truth to your MIL. She did have a need to know. Your delivery was not good since you had to have known what a shock it was based on how it affected your wife, and you aren’t being very sympathetic.
You will definitely become TA if you ever mention it again to your MIL or if you follow through on getting her a DNA test. Your wife is the only one who’s thinking clearly right now so this would be a good chance to let her lead.
Now, obviously, DNA is a fickle thing and does not get divided perfectly evenly between parents. However, over more than 10 generations, I’d think we could safely assume the percentages even out fairly reasonably.
Assuming that your girlfriend was descended from one of the full blood children of Nancy Ward, and that person was their only full blood native ancestor, and splitting genes roughly evenly over 10 plus generations, you end up with a percentage of native blood that is less than 0.1%.
So your girlfriend’s mother may very well be telling the truth about her native ancestry. But at more than 10 generations distant, she is likely more closely related to King Charles at this point.
And definitely more closely related to Kevin Bacon.
On the other hand, If there’s a chance that she’s not actually Native American, she should try to find out definitively. Perhaps she should do ancestry research through lineage not just dna.
You – Ethnic percentages on DNA tests are not the best way to determine if someone has Native American heritage. Are you aware that full siblings can have very different percentages? I mean…have you never met full siblings who have different color hair, eyes, skin tone, etc?
Her – Heritage is being part of the tribe. So membership, familiarity with the culture, knowledge and understanding of beliefs…Being a tribal member helps, too. It sounds like your wife has none of those.
On the other hand, if you were actually with her on some occasion, when she makes the claim, I don’t see why you couldn’t mention the oddity that your wife didn’t share any of that particular DNA. Unless you don’t want to annoy your wife, but it seemed likely that wasn’t a major concern for you.
You may be the asshole of how this bothers you and honestly you need to work that out.
Yet your wife and MIL are falsely claiming heritage that may not belong to them as they claim.
ESH for your personal feelings/NTA for their claims
Who you might be related to doesn’t make you who you really are. You are your own self, that’s it. Nothing more.
Great things done by ancestors in the past, don’t make you great. Horrible things perpetrated in the past by people who looked like you does not make you horrible.
Maybe try doing genealogy search for your wife’s family before passing judgement. 1% “other” could be Cherokee and Lenape, especially after 300-ish years.
That said, they kind of sound like they’re full of shit also.
I don’t get all these Y T A comments. I personally think you’re NTA because these people are exhausting.
I totally understand your feelings.
Source: my friend who is a genetic counselor
Your MIL could be lying or she could be telling the truth. DNA is only one way to prove her claims.
You absolutely should drop it.