My grandmother was a homemaker, she and my gramps had a farm and they both worked it equally, but in addition to spending hours outside doing chores she also did all of the “women’s work” without complaint. Then my mother joined the Army and gramps threw a fit, and the day she was supposed to catch the bus he refused to drive her. Now mind you they lived 30 miles from town. My mother almost missed her bus but did manage to catch a ride with my uncle who happened to visit at just the right time. When my mother returned from basic, she discovered that from the moment she left, to right when she got back. Grandma did not speak to, fuck, do dishes for, clean the clothes of, or do ANY form of ‘womens work’ for my grampa till he had picked my mom up from the bus station and ap0ologized to her, in front of my grandma. He never stepped a foot out of line again. My point is, given that both of them were from a FAR less progressive time period (gramps fought in WWII), and my grandma had the sheer force of will and aura to shut down that bboy looking for a mommy shit, so can you. Knuckle the fuck up sister, stop mommying for him and tell him if he wants affection to fucking earn it. If he enjoys having you do those things for him, and you don’t mind, that is great, but he should be damn well doing his part, and you damn well shouldn’t have to tell him, or ask him too. \~signed a now old guy I guess

Call this off. He is a crappy manbaby partner and not worth the effort you are putting in. The fact that he promised and broke it. The fact that he grabbed his keys and left when you opened up. The fact that he’s gaslighting you about “not caring”. All these are HUGE red flags that this marriage IS absolutely doomed to fail. And you’ll be better off when it does, so you might as well call it off now.

As a group, women need to stop tolerating shitty manbabies. Let them all die single. Women have put up with all this sh\*t long enough. No more blowing off infantile “pranks” that are nothing more than schoolyard-level bullying. No more doing 100% of the home care. No more doing 100% of the child care. No more doing all the cleaning up after a slob, especially if he uses weaponized incompetence to get out of doing his share. No more doing all the cooking because “he doesn’t know how”. No more doing all the organizing and gift selection. No more treating them like a spoiled toddler. No more trying to “help him change into a better man”. No more blowing off how badly he treats you. No more tolerating his disrespect. NO MORE. 
   
Society has convinced women that we “must” be a wife and mother in order to be valued and fulfilled, but 99% of women would be better off single. Ladies, stop ignoring, justifying, and dismissing all those red flags. TRUST YOUR GUT. 

Don’t you dare reward his tantrum with an apology! Focus on the facts at hand and stop letting him derail the conversation. He would clearly rather lash out and gaslight you than pull his weight like an adult. I know first hand how difficult working full time and getting a degree is and no amount of gaslighting from the man-child you married will change the fact that you only have so many hours in the day. He needs to pull his weight REGARDLESS of whether you’re in school or not.

Having a child with a man like this will just be more of the same unless there is real change. Change that he will have to seek and commit to. It’s not something you can do for him. Be very aware moving forward because he is showing you exactly who he is and if you’re already building resentment 2 years in it’s not going to last unless he stops treating you like his mommy and you stop letting him. For your own sanity. There is nothing less sexy than a man treating you like his parent.

Well all I have to say is you’re selfish. I worked a full time job did all of the cooking and laundry, 90 percent of all the household duties while raising her 2 kids(previous marriage) only to hear that I was worthless but all she had to do was work. She didn’t even put gas in her car , or anything. But I was the bad person and she left , hmm all the sudden she can’t afford to live and support them and wants back!! Nope burnt that bridge. So before you want to divorce stop and take a long hard look at your life before, now, and future you may not like what you see.

What are you apologising for exactly? Being upset that you do everything on top of work and study while he simply works and gets everything done for him? He needs to change or you need to leave because let me tell you when you start bringing kids into the equation you’re going to be so overwhelmed. He should be doing his fair share and contributing to the maintenance of his home, definitely not right you’re are seemingly doing everything for a grown man while he’s moaning you don’t want to be affectionate. You’re his wife not his maid!!

Me thinks that him not doing any chores has been going for longer than your super busy period. Break down his day and yours and explain him like you would to a child that he currently has much more time and energy than you and that you’d be fine with doing all of that for him if he were three and your son. The more you feel like his parent, the less you’re going to be attracted to him. If you can’t lean on him, he is by default unreliable and therefore unsafe.
NTA

here’s the thing, he’s consciously or subconsciously manipulating you by running out like that. Don’t call and apologize, wait for him to come home and pick up the subject again (of you needing help, not (what he heard) calling him a slob or saying (what he heard) I hate doing things for you. Nothing was solved by your outburst or his bolting. If you fold he’ll think there’s nothing wrong, and you’ll be back where you started. NTA

NTA. Maybe he needed to think. Maybe he’ll come back and tell you you were right. Maybe he heard a hard truth and is integrating it into his mind by taking some time alone to think.

Either way, if you get desperate and apologize for sticking up for yourself in this relationship you are headed nowhere good. Find out if he is capable of equal partnership now, not when you’ve added kids to the mix.

55 years old.

The marriage is just started. You both are so busy. Good grief. It will get better. But only if you both think of the future benefits and kick something in – him too. That’s more attractive than looks!!

Do your best. Don’t let another marriage end because busy times have hit. Hang in for the pay offs!

Good luck to you both. So much is ahead. Keep going.

NTAH – I think it’s time for you to stop doing things for him. Conserve your energy so that you can be more affectionate. Stop making dinner for the both of you, stop doing his laundry, stop cleaning up after him.

It’s not possible for one person to do it all, and it’s no wonder that trying to do it all is burning you out and making you resentful.

NTA. Give him time to cool off then revisit when neither of you are emotional. Marriage is hard and it’s difficult to learn how to communicate.

What is his family of origin like? Is it normal for the women in his family to handle the domestic chores? It will just take time and patient for you both to learn to work together. Keep explaining it to him.

He literally left because he doesn’t want to do his own damn laundry and acts like a man child that you’re not being affectionate because you’re stressed out? He could easily help alleviate this by actually helping, planning relaxing moments, etc. but he rather run…

Says a lot about him.

Y’all need to learn how to speak each other’s language.

“We both need to own our own participation in our relationship. Here’s my deal … Do some chores around here if you want me to get in the mood. You participating as a helpful partner is my love language”.

NTA but he is. He’s weaponizing his incompetence and when you called him out on it he left. It sounds like he wanted a bang maid. Do you wanna spend the rest of your life being his concubine/servant? Because that’s what he’s setting you up for. Think on it.

You married a man child who wants a mommy. He will either see the light and start contributing, or you’ll end up divorced.

Do your stuff and not his. Let stuff get dirty and pile up. But don’t be passive about it. Let him know why you are doing it.

Love languages are questionable at best as they’re so limiting and it’s very uncool for him to weaponize ‘physical touch’ to get you to accommodate him while he isn’t accommodating you (or, you know, being a decent partner and pulling his weight, even).

Nta. But you need to stop doing his laundry and cooking for him. He doesn’t appreciate it. Hire a cleaner to come in once a week to dust, vacuum, and clean the bathroom. Maybe hire a delivery service for groceries. But STOP doing so much.

So you told him what you needed. And he left.

This is not good.

If you want to save this relationship, consider marriage counseling. You both need to figure out a way to respectfully communicate your needs to each other without fear.

Your concerns are very valid. I think the way you did it caused a problem and hurt him. I think that you need another conversation and to understand where he is at. I heard a lot about where you are but not a ton of where he is.

NTA. Why do you feel guilty? First of all, stop the cooking and cleaning up after it and stop doing his laundry. He’s not a child and ought to be able to do these things for himself. Stop with the ridiculous gender roles.

Why are you scared of him being upset?

Is this how you want to live your life?

You being responsible for everything and hom throwing temper tantrums like a child when he’s called out?

Do not have children with this man.

NTA. Stop doing the chores and stop making him dinner (make your own). He’s being a man child. He is an adult and needs to step up. There is nothing more unattractive than having to mother your partner.

ESH – you have been together long enough that you should have already had a conversation about how household chores are split up and what happens when one of you is overwhelmed.

NTA- don’t apologize. He needs to learn to listen to you. You aren’t his mother. Compromise is necessary in marriage, but it has to be a two way street or it will never work.

Weird how physical touch is the “love language” of ALL men?

Wait no…. “Love Languages” is the invention of a Christian cultist, for the purpose of controlling women.

girl don’t call. let him marinate in that silence. maybe he’ll finally hear the mental load echoing around the empty ass house he doesn’t clean.

NTA. He sounds like a lazy partner who lacks empathy. Really think about if this is the life you want for the rest of your life

He’s acting like a baby. NTA. Household chores should be a team effort and fluid based on what each person has going on.

NTA. You both work, and the house chores need to be broken up more evenly. The burden should not be on you alone

He sounds terrible.

It’s also why I make my husband do the laundry. I don’t like that chore.

Why are you doing his laundry? Are his hands broken? Tell him to wash his own damn clothes.

NTA I would let his clothes stay dirty, plates in the sink, and all other petty things

My ex husband was that way. Found out he was looking for a mother, not a wife. 

NTA. Your point is the point that needs addressing before anything else.

he sounds like a bum, either leave or continue like this

NTA you were stunningly valid all the way through

NTA

He is not acting as a good partner 

NTA, you aren’t his mother or maid.