Yet, in the fragile quest for healing, promises are broken and old patterns creep back, igniting a profound betrayal. The laughter that once symbolized unity now echoes with the sting of broken boundaries, threatening to unravel the delicate balance between compassion and self-preservation.
Long story short, my boyfriend’s mom is poor and had to move in to my boyfriend and I’s apartment last month because my boyfriend’s brother (who lived with her) got them both evicted.
He stole her car and wrecked it into their apartment and almost killed someone. He’s currently in rehab and before she moved in, I sat down with my boyfriend and I laid out the requirements of her living here: she must cut off contact with his brother for his own good and never invite him over, as I’m afraid of him retaliating at our apartment and getting us evicted too, and she should stop enabling him with a constant safety net to continue his drug use (I know that sounds harsh but it was the only way to actually force him to get help, this has been an almost decade-long battle of her enabling him and he’s not getting any better).
My boyfriend agreed to this and she agreed. Cut to two weeks in, I come home from work. My boyfriend and her are laughing about how they took his brother to Golden Corral when I was gone and he was so high he was nodding off in the food.
I was so upset that not only did she break the cardinal rule that I set for her but that my boyfriend went along with it and did it too. I told him I felt betrayed and that he just set a precedent to her that she can do whatever she wants now because any rule set isn’t actually going to be enforced, clearly by his example.
He told me he did it because he thought it was too harsh after the fact without telling me he had changed his mind, and thereby going against our agreement. I otherwise wouldn’t have let her live here rent-free.
My boyfriend said putting her on the street was too harsh of a punishment for breaking the rules, but isn’t that the point? Now she’s telling us we need to do HER chores when we pay the rent, because she doesn’t want to do them, knowing he won’t enforce or kick her out because he ultimately can’t face the guilt of doing so.
He has attachment issues with her and a heavy guilt complex.
Our apartment lease is up in a couple months and now that we’re moving, she asked us “So where are WE moving to?” fully expecting a free-ride and free rent at our next place. I was so dumbfounded because she is only supposed to be here until she got housing, but low income housing waiting lists can be months to years long.
I don’t want to live with her anymore because she walks all over us and causes tension between my boyfriend and I. He will never put her on the street because he’s controlled by his guilt.
When I asked what he plans to do, he said he isn’t taking her to our next place, but that would ultimately leave her on the street and I know deep down even if we initially move without her, she will be back in a week or two because he’ll feel guilty.
I want to move into a studio apartment now knowing that I don’t believe he’s going to let her go, and I’ve voiced this as a real possibility to him, but I’m being framed as trying to dismantle our relationship.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) established clear, necessary boundaries regarding the boyfriend’s mother’s cohabitation, primarily focused on cutting off enabling behavior toward the destructive brother. The central conflict arose when both the mother and the boyfriend violated these agreed-upon terms, leading the OP to feel betrayed and questioning the enforceability of any future joint decisions.
Given the boyfriend’s inability to enforce boundaries due to guilt and the mother’s immediate expectation of continued free housing, the core question remains: Can a relationship survive when one partner consistently prioritizes another person’s comfort (the mother) over mutually agreed-upon commitments, and is the OP justified in seeking separate housing to preserve their own well-being and financial stability?
Here’s how people reacted:
Is this the life you want for yourself? Will you be happy if the situation continues? Will you be okay when his brother moves? Will you be afraid of being evicted if he does move in?
He has shown you that he is okay with breaking your boundaries but not enforcing boundaries for his family. Do you want to continue to enable the situation?
He has shown you who he is, believe him. If you need permission, I will give it to you. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. He is the victim of his problem.
Get.
Out.
Now.