Their decision was simple and heartfelt: to let Thalia choose for herself when she was ready. Yet, the betrayal cut deep, forcing them to sever ties with those who should have protected their choices. This is a story of standing firm in the face of disrespect, of fighting for a child’s right to autonomy, and the heartbreaking cost of family fractures born from broken trust.
Me and my fiancee (22m & 23f) had our baby girl Thalia and she just turned 9 months old. Everyone in our family has been coming around more to see her. Two months ago we stopped talking to my parents after they pulled some shit.
We basically decided it was gonna be up to Thalia when she older if she wants to get her ears pierced. Tbh I was never into the idea of it being done as a baby when they can’t consent, like my fiancée parents pierced her ears when she was a baby and she always hated wearing earrings.
Still doesn’t wear any.
Just like every other parent that was our decision not to do it to her while she’s a baby. My parents didn’t shut up about it for a while saying “she’d look so cute.” But we told them already no and that’s our answer.
When they babysat for us once they got one of my mom’s friends to do it and we were fucking pissed they went behind our backs. We stopped talking to them after that for disrespecting our decision.
Everyone was saying we were making a big deal and we can’t cut them out their granddaughters life over something like that.
So we decided they’re allowed to only see Thalia when one of us is around and they won’t be left alone with her. That’s where everyone is still saying we’re being massive a-holes because we’re still punishing them over something that’s not a big deal and we’re treating them like children.
Even my fiancées parents think that only letting them have supervised visits is too much and they should be allowed to babysit or have Thalia at their place alone like before.
We’re still not wanting to change our minds on our conditions so it’s pinning everyone against us. Are we being assholes that we just don’t trust them alone with her and rather one of us be there always?
Conclusion
The original poster and their fiancée are firm in their decision regarding their daughter’s ear piercing, viewing the act as a violation of trust and consent. This has created significant conflict, leading to a breakdown in communication with the poster’s parents and disapproval from extended family members who minimize the significance of the boundary violation.
Given that the grandparents acted against a clearly stated boundary regarding a medical/cosmetic decision for their grandchild, is the decision to restrict visits to supervised-only settings a necessary measure to enforce respect for parental autonomy, or is it an excessive punishment that risks alienating the family?
Here’s how people reacted:
You said no, they ignored it – if they’re willing to blatantly go against you on this, what else will they go against you on? It isn’t their baby, they do not get to make these decisions, and they sure as hell don’t get to override the decisions of the actual parents without consequences.
Honestly, them being allowed around her at all is beyond generous already, they need to count their blessings that they’re even allowed near your daughter.
If you haven’t already, remove the earrings and let the ears heal over – your babies ears will change over time and piercings done when you’re a baby can grow to be off-centre later in life. Also, if it was done with a piercing gun instead of properly with a needle, it could result in permanent damage to the earlobe, best to let it heal over properly and let your daughter decide when she’s old enough.
> My parents didn’t shut up about it for a while saying “she’d look so cute.”
Your parents are treating your baby like a fashion accessory, they need to respect her right as a person to have bodily autonomy.
> Everyone was saying we were making a big deal and ***we can’t cut them out their granddaughters life over something like that.***
I mean – if you wanted to, you absolutely could. You’re the parents, either your family respects your decisions and your daughters right to make her own choices later in life, or they don’t get to see her. What are they going to do about it? If they don’t want to lose access to their granddaughter maybe they should be more respectful of your decisions. The only power the rest of your family holds here is the power to guilt trip – they cannot force you to give them access to your baby. Whether or not they have the privilege of seeing her is entirely up to you.
> everyone is still saying we’re being massive a-holes because we’re still punishing them over something that’s not a big deal and we’re treating them like children.
>
> my fiancées parents think that only letting them have supervised visits is too much and they should be allowed to babysit or have Thalia at their place alone like before.
if it’s ‘not a big deal’ then why was it a big enough deal for grandma and grandpa to go behind your back to do it? If it’s so unimportant, then why were they so upset about your not piercing your daughters ears that they decided to do it themselves? The only ones who made a ‘big deal’ out of anything is your parents by going against your explicitly stated wishes.
here’s the thing, OP. it ***is*** a big deal – but because your opinion, in their eyes, is the ‘wrong’ one they are saying in a very roundabout way that your *feelings* on it aren’t a big deal. That’s why they went behind your back to do it. They knew it was wrong, they knew you said no, they just didn’t care and decided to ask forgiveness rather than get permission.
The long and short of it is this: They’re calling you assholes for daring to give them consequences for their actions. They will *continue* to call you assholes for this until you either give them full and unsupervised access to your daughter whenever they want again or until you make it clear as can be to them that they can’t bully you into getting access to your daughter.
You need to put your foot down on this OP, they’ve already harassed you back into letting your parents have some interaction – they have, whether or not you intended them to, received the message that with enough bullying and harassing you will give in – even if just a little. You gave an inch, and they are now trying to take a mile – you and your wife need to shut this shit down hard yesterday unless you want to deal with this kind of stuff for another 18 years. Block numbers if you need to, but you need to send them a new message: one that says you will not be bullied into compliance with *their* wishes about **your** daughter and that attempts to do so result in loss of access to her.
If they keep ignoring your rules, it may be time for a timeout. Piercing your child’s ear causes scar tissue that may be permanent. (She’s young enough that the holes may close completely.) What if she turned out to have a metal allergy? (This happened to me as a young child. Turns out I’m allergic to gold, silver, AND nickel. I can never have pierced ears again due to all the scar tissue.) This is not a minor thing. Good luck.
You are the parents of this child therefor it is your choice. If they don’t like it, they can pound sand.
I think body modification against a parent’s explicit wishes makes them unfit carers. What other instructions are they going to ignore because “it looks cute”. They deliberately hurt your baby for cosmetic reasons. And let’s be clear. Piercings do hurt. The are uncomfortable afterwards when you need to keep twisting the stud against raw flesh inside until the skin grows over.
I wouldn’t be leaving my child with them ever again. My mum cut my daughters fringe and I lost it; this is another level all together
What’s going to be next thing they decide they know better on? They’re lucky they’re even allowed to see her tbh
Edit – a fringe is ‘bangs’ – so mum cut her hair (she was only 2 or 3yo, but we were growing her hair out but mum decided she knew better…)
Also, thank you all for the likes and awards, very unexpected 🙂
Your parents behaved like children therefore they deserve to be treated as such.
They broke your trust, went against your express wishes and pretty much said ‘we know better than you and what you think is irrelevant’. I can’t get my head around why anyone would think you aren’t justified in your actions.
(I hope you’ve taken the earrings out and have let the holes close over before they become permanent).
Sounds reasonable for them to have no alone time with the kid.
Did they ever apologize for doing it?
Other people need to stay out of this.
Hope baby is okay!