In a moment of exhaustion and need, she reaches out for help, only to find her partner retreating, leaving her to navigate the chaos alone. Her youngest clings desperately, her children instinctively turning to her, while her partner’s presence is distant and conditional. This story lays bare the emotional toll and imbalance that can fester behind closed doors, demanding recognition and change.
I (27F) have three children (8M, 6M, 3F). My partner and I both work, but since my hours are more flexible I’ve picked up most of the childcare such as dropping the children off at school/childminder, picking them up, taking them park, doing homework etc as well as 50% housework so meals, ironing etc.
My partner will help, after a little nagging as well as usually taking the children out to the park at the weekend.
Last week I didn’t feel good, but come Saturday and I felt awful dizzy, headaches, hot flashes etc and was just so tired so I asked my partner to care for the children that day. My 3 year old is clingy, she gets upset whenever I leave the room as well as going through a phase where apparently the only word she knows is no, my partner was in and out asking for me to handle it.
My 6 year old has a habit of asking me to do something or where something is whilst not even considering asking their dad.
Partner came in and asked if I’d help settle my youngest as she was requesting me, I refused and may have snapped that he’s her dad and to leave me alone. I will admit my final fuse was when my 6 year old came in crying because apparently my 8 year old was “looking at him funny” so I told him to ask his dad and when he left I locked the door, my head was killing me especially around a crying child.
My husband woke me up very upset, apparently at nap time my youngest wouldn’t settle without me, my middle child was upset because he thought he’d upset me. My partner was like “I know you’re sick, but just offering cuddles to the children would’ve been nice and I needed help, you know youngest gets upset without you and apparently you’re the only one who calms her down” it’s not that he’s not around that she’s unsettled, it’s just natural for children to pick one person and the doctors have said she’ll grow out of it.
My partner is upset, although even a week later I’m still feeling dizzy with hot flashes, he just wants an apology but I don’t feel like I need to. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) felt physically overwhelmed by illness and needed a full day of rest, leading to a conflict where her partner expected her to provide emotional comfort to the children despite her condition. The central conflict lies between the OP’s need for self-care when sick and her partner’s expectation that she remain the default primary caregiver, especially for the most distressed child.
Given the established division of labor and the OP’s genuine sickness, was it reasonable for the partner to insist she manage the emotional needs of the children, or did the OP have a right to complete physical withdrawal from care duties for one day? Where should the responsibility for emotional regulation of the children fall when one parent is incapacitated?
Here’s how people reacted:
Kids can pick a favorite, it happens, and it’s usually something they grow out of. But I think what’s more likely here is that your kids know that you are the one to turn to for help. They feel safe and secure with you, they feel like a priority to you. And that’s great! But it sounds like your husband hasn’t fostered that kind of relationship with them. Kids are smart, they know when one parent has been nagged to take them to the park or when caring for them feels like a chore. They bypass their dad for you because he hasn’t shown them that they can count on him.
And every time he barges into your room needing your help? He is *proving* that to them. That he’s not someone that can handle their care and needs on his own, or if he even wants to.
He needs to step up and parent his kids. They are getting overly attached to you because you’re the “main” parent in their eyes when it should be equal. He needs to learn how to settle them and handle their problems and disputes on his own. You need to get well, and you *can’t* if you aren’t allowed to rest and heal.
Think twice before to reproduce.
You should not lock your kids out anyway, you should lock your partner in.
Your partner is YTA too. You were in need and he just not up to the duty he took and can’t deliver properly. You too need to talk now, for the sake of you both and your kids.
EDIT: clarified my point of view on the partner. I’m not excluding or condoning his responsability and ineptitude.
EDIT2: Changed from YTA to ESH which seems more appropriate.
Does that mean you can never take a vacation by yourself either until they’re older? Because they would be inconsolable if you did?
If so I’m sorry because that sounds crappy OP.
My husband and I share a 6 and 3 year old. If I’m feeling unwell, or have work to catch up on, he handles it like any involved parent should. I feel for you, OP. Your partner is using weaponized incompetence against you. There’s no reason that a father of children those ages can’t handle them alone for a day. You are the one deserving of an apology. My recommendation is marriage counseling before it gets worse.
He’s their father, not doing you a *favor* by watching them. Ask him what he’ll do if this medical condition turns out to be something serious or requires you to stay in the hospital.
Please get yourself checked out and hold your ground on this. You shouldn’t have to lock your door to get a minute of rest.
Your husband is quite capable of telling the kids “mommy is not feeling well, and needs to rest”. Or at least, he should be.
I hope you feel better soon.
The father of your kids is unable to manage them for a few hours????
You should start sharing chores 50/50 so kids are not so dependent of you