What began as simple acts of pity blossom into genuine friendship and loyalty, as the oldest brother finds himself drawn more to Joe’s authentic spirit than to Jill’s entitled world. In a home where favoritism rules, this unexpected alliance becomes a beacon of hope and resilience, proving that love and connection can flourish even in the harshest of environments.
I (20m) has two younger siblings, “Joe” and “Jill”. They’re twins, both 18 and graduating high school this year. Jill is my parent’s favorite, because they’ve always wanted a daughter, while Joe is their scapegoat, because I guess he’s the bonus baby they never actually asked for.
I’m mostly better off than Joe, as I’m the oldest grandson from both sides of my family, almost all of whom are just as blantant as my parents are about their favoritism.
I felt really bad for Joe, so I did what I could to make him feel less alone. Like when Jill got to go shopping with mommy and daddy, I took Joe skating with my friends. When our parents were too busy watching Jill’s kiddie pageant, I dragged my best bud to sit through Joe’s elementary school musical.
Small things like that. It all started as pity moves, but soon my friends pretty much like Joe better than me, while Jill’s princess syndrome got in her head, so now I spend more time with Joe because I simply like him better than Jill.
Never said it out loud, but I don’t make it a secret either that I prefer not to spend my time with entitled brats.
Anyway, like I said they’re graduating soon. They both already had their choice of college, accomodations, etc. Jill’s going to a uni in SF, fully funded by our parents, unsurprisingly.
Joe’s going to the same Uni as mine in Seattle, but different campus just 20ish minutes away. He got a full ride, which apparently makes him ineligible to get any financial help from his own parents.
This is also hardly surprising, so I made some calls to ask around, see if anyone is hiring next fall. I did this while on facetime with Joe. I was reassuring him that we’ll find him a job that don’t suck and pays enough, that he’s better off without dad’s money anyway because we both know it comes with strings attached, that this way, mom and dad wouldn’t be able to stick their noses into his purchases.
I got him to feel better about the whole thing and logged off.
I guess Jill overheard, because the next day she sent me texts after texts demanding I help her find jobs as well because she doesn’t want dad “nagging her”. When I told her, politely btw, that I don’t know anyone in SF, and that she’d get more help from mom and dad, she blew up, saying all these things about me favoring Joe over her, which, yeah.
It’s true. I love both of my siblings, but I don’t particularly like Jill. It’s not like she’s making herself likeable, though, so AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing a conflict rooted in years of parental favoritism, which has led to a close bond with one sibling (Joe) and a strained relationship with the other (Jill). While the OP actively supported Joe against the family dynamic, their admission of preferring Joe’s company over Jill’s, and their subsequent refusal to help Jill find external employment, has directly ignited a major confrontation with their sister.
Given the OP’s established pattern of favoring the less-favored sibling, is it reasonable for the OP to deny Jill the same type of external support they actively sought for Joe, or does this favoritism, even when directed at balancing perceived parental neglect, constitute unfair treatment toward Jill?
Here’s how people reacted:
But you could be kinder and more encouraging to jill about her independence without putting in more actual work. I get that you trie your best and you your behaviour is absolutly valid. Kindness also costs you nothing and a few
“Wow, I think it is fantastic that you want to work to be more independent from our parents. That’s very mature and the right atep in my opinion.”
“I’m sorry that I can’t help you find a job in that city as I know no one there, but I’m sure you will find something that fits and pay enough. You could look at xyz places. You will get there. You also have more time because our parents are willing to fund it for you. The time for joe is way more urgent.”
I do think if jill gets away from your parents and actually does get herself a job, she may mature and becames a more likeable person.
As said, there is nothing wrong with your behaviour and kill them with kindness is way easier said than done and maybe not even possible here.
All the best to you and your siblings. Your parents suck extrem.
Also just some perspective on her side. (I don’t fully know her obviously). But I was the golden child. It isn’t all rainbows and sunshine on that side. I didn’t know for a very long time, and a lot of therapy that my worth wasn’t attached to get good grades/awards/hobbies. I had no idea what unconditional love felt like. My parents love for the “golden child” came with an intense pressure. I had to be a certain person or else I wouldn’t be loved. Yes I could get away with lord in some situations due to it. It took a long time but since we’ve all separated ourselves from our parents I have been able to reconnect with my siblings. This took a lot of therapy. I hope you can all leave the toxic environment behind you.
Your brother is very lucky to have you.
But remember that it is not your sister’s fault, that her parents favoured her. It is also not her fault, that this made her entitled.
But she is an adult now, so it is her responsibility to do better in the future. She will need time for that. I would directly explain to her, why you treat them differently. Get it out in the open, it seems about time. Be kind and tell her, that you love her and don’t blame her for your parents mistakes but also point out specific situations, where her behaviour made hanging out with her difficult.
It is also not your job to help your siblings. You are doing it for your brother, because you want to. You have good reasons to not want to do it for Jill as well. She did not even ask nicely, she just demanded it. It is about time, that that she understands, that this is not how you get people to do favours for you.
You’re being a great brother to your brother. Taking extra steps to make sure he’s cared for and loved in a genuinely good way. You’re also being a shitty brother to your sister. She needs a good brother, too. Your parents are not setting her up for success, they’re literally spoiling her. You’re acting like she’s the problem, and of course she’s on obnoxious now, but that’s the fault of your parents, and you’re exacerbating it.
She needs someone who isn’t spoiling her and just giving her everything. Take some time from literally playing favorites with your brother and see if you can help her, too.
I hope Joe gets therapy in college and heals and goes low contact with your parents and I hope Jill one day sees your parents for who they really are and breaks free of her golden child handcuffs.
Here’s the thing, of course you are NTA, but you went above and beyond, because without someone like you in his life Joe would have likely slipped into total fuck up territory. So what you have done for him is beyond any measure of the acronyms we have on this page.
As for Jill, give her a chance to grow up without your parents constant dotage. She might surprise you.
Why on earth does she think you can pull favors and get her a connection in SF?
Keep on being an awesome big brother. You are above and beyond looking out for Joe.
NTA
I’m not sure what the polar opposite of asshole is in this context, but you are whatever that polar opposite is.
But maybe when Jill is at uni try to visit her – tell her now that you’ll check on her to see how she’s doing. She might be different once she’s away from the toxicity of your parents.
>Small things like that.
Believe me, none of this is small. It’s everything.