> I hung out in the bedroom with Lacey, gave her like an hour long foot massage and helped her relax.

You are 100% rewarding your wife’s behaviour. She *cried* over her daughter’s hair, and instead of you saying, “darling, it’s just hair, let Madison experiment,” or “our daughters are both growing up, we need to respect their growing autonomy, even if we don’t always agree with them,” or even just letting your wife cry herself out, you’re whisking her off to the bedroom and giving her *hour long* foot massages and pampering?

Why would Lacey ever learn to deal with a negative emotion and/or self-soothe if all she needs to do is cry and you go running to spoil her? Imagine how your daughter must feel: “mum lost her shit over my hair, but I’m the one who has to make and eat my own dinner alone whilst she’s getting spoiled by Dad.”

YTA

YTA, based on the post and the follow-up comments your wife is manipulative af and you are a complete enabler. Your wife is an adult and the world does not revolve around her yet she acts like a toddler crying to get her way and you give in. The message you are sending your daughters is that you care about your wife, even when she is in the wrong, over them every time, and they can’t count on you. And you are also showing them an unhealthy relationship dynamic. Would you be happy if they ended in a relationship if they are playing the part of yours? Someone who constantly caves in and manages their partner’s feelings? Or if they were your spouse? The kind of person who manipulates their partner? Because this is the only relationship dynamic that has been model to them.

YTA. My mother did this to me throughout my childhood and as an adult as well. I dyed my hair a natural regular Auburn red once, I’m a brunette regularly. She cried for a whole weekend and screamed couldn’t I just do what she wanted for once?

It’s not her body. It’s not her choice. This behavior is doing damage to your daughters. It reeks of narcissism in the “omg what will the neighbors think?!” Kind of way. As you’re well aware, the only person whose opinion matters is Madison’s.

You need to stop enabling your wife’s behavior. It’s toxic. If she ever wants a relationship with her adult daughters in the future… She has to stop.

INFO how many years do you think you will be so enamored with your immature wife? Another 10? 20?

You are building a family, not just a boarding house for tenants that come and go, never to be seen again.

You have children that will presumably have families and children of their own. Don’t you need to have a good relationship with your children to enjoy a future with their futures?

When children are small, the problems are easily washed away. You are entering into years of teenage problem years that can remain stagnant for years and years if you aren’t careful.

YTA. And with all due respect, you aren’t being a good husband. Your wife will continue to have problems with her kids and others and the way you let her think she’s right is a part of why. You could tell her that your daughter should be respectful of her and that you grounded her for insulting her mother while also telling her that it’s ok for your daughter to have a different style than she does. You should be honest with your wife but you aren’t. She’s wrong. You can’t ignore your children so you can treat a grown woman like a toddler who needs her hand held.

This whole family – including you – needs to get some perspective. You talk about your wife like she’s a small child. She’s a grown adult, please see and treat her that way.

Your child should not be calling her own mother a ‘trophy wife’ and ‘barbie’, it’s extremely disrespectful and unnecessary.

Your wife needs to let your daughter go through her rebellious phase – yes, it’s hard to watch your daughter chop her hair to pieces and you can try to advise her, but full-scale shouting matches will just make her determined to do more.

NTA. It sounds like you have 3 daughters and high potential for cat fights. You’ll definitely need to be the neutral judge from here on out as their fighting hasn’t even hit the potential peak yet. All sides should understand you don’t do favorites (from now on) and it’s OK for them to be very different. You have a huge role in dealing with this, earlier deeds are irrelevant, only what you do from now on matters!

YTA. you’re enabling your wife’s shitty behavior towards your daughters and letting her manipulate you. you admitted it yourself that lacey is your favorite (yikes) and that you’re a pushover. you need to put your foot down and advocate for your kids.

ETA: and you’re not even being a good husband!! however, you are an excellent doormat. while i hate this word, i believe many redditors would call you a “simp”.

ESH. Madison is being a teenager and her behavior is inappropriate. The problem is that Lacey is also being a teenager, even though she’s presumably in her 30s or 40s. You may want to consider the fact that Madison is, quite literally, calling out to you for attention. Stop spending all your time with your 40 year old teenager and give your 14 and 16 year old teenagers some of your time, also.

Eh, YTA. At her age you should respect your daughter enough to let her try things on HER body. And if you yourself basically called your wife vapid, then you cant get mad at your daughter for saying the truth. She didnt even cuss to do it which shows more maturity than your wife. You both need to loosen the grip on her before she starts rebelling fully.

Ah, I remember the days of being forced into dresses and lipstick by my mother every time I went out. It sucks. You’re not just a husband, you’re also a father. You need to balance the two roles. YTA.

Your wife is acting like a toddler throwing tantrums all the time. Get yourself a spine and learn to tell her when she’s being unreasonable.

ESH (changed vote from y t a as it was rightly pointed out that the wife should also be counted as an asshole). Your children need a functional parent and your wife needs a therapist. Getting so upset she is hysterical and requires multiple hours of pampering to calm down is not healthy, and you’re enabling it.

YTA and your daughter is right. She should not be getting catty with her 14 year old child over the fact that they way her 14 year old looks and dresses makes her look bad! How self obsessed can a person be? You and your wife are going to give that girl some major self esteem and body issues

I think that you guys should go see a family therapist. Your daughter sounds like the opposite of your wife so there will be a lot of tension. Talk it out as a whole family. You as the father and husband need to be neutral ground.

YTA- your daughter is going through her edgy experimental phase, and your wife is being incredibly dramatic over it, and your encouraging your grown wife’s childish behaviour

ESH (you and your wife, not your children). Why have children at all if you were just going to spend all your time raising your wife?

You might want to get a therapist for your wife if she’s having that big of a temper tantrum over a hair cut and shoes.
ESH.

INFO: do you mind not having a good relationship with your kids if that mean that your wife can continue to act like that?