Caught between love for his family and the critical gaze of those who cling to convention, he navigates the delicate balance of proving his worth in a role society often reserves for mothers. His story is a powerful testament to breaking barriers and redefining what it truly means to be a parent.
I’m (30M) a stay at home dad. My wife (29F) and I have two kids together. Our oldest is 4 and our youngest is 18 months. I became the stay at home parent when our oldest was born. My brother (36M) is married to SIL (39F) and they have five kids together between the ages of 4 and 10.
SIL was “stunned” when I became the stay at home parent vs my wife. She has a more “traditional” view of marriage and family and believes the mom is more important in the home than the dad and that the dad is more important as the provider.
Stunned and traditional are her choice of words, just so you’re aware.
So I always felt like she was more critical of me as a parent. Maybe not in clear ways before now but her attitude made me feel like she was watching closely to see if I was good enough.
The way my wife and I feed our kids is different to how my SIL and my brother feed their kids. SIL believes in 3 meals a day no matter what the age and nothing more or less. She believes that is the way it has been done for centuries and it works.
My wife and I approach it differently. We feed the kids smaller, more frequent meals and snacks. Because of this I carry around lunch boxes for both my kids that have foods they eat throughout the day if we go anywhere.
And at home my wife or I have stuff pre-made and ready to go. This means my kids eat little meals or snacks every three-ish hours. Not large quantities but smaller and more frequently than my nieces and nephews.
SIL thinks it’s “insanity” and she has told me I make more work for myself and claims I’m trying to “be different because I’m a dad doing the primary caregiving”. She told me I should practice doing things differently because in the real world this stuff won’t work and preschool and school won’t allow for this, which isn’t true with the where we have chosen to send our kids to school.
But she doesn’t want to hear that. I spoke to my brother about his wife’s comments on the choices my wife and I made to feed our kids and how it’s not helpful or needed. He said he knows but that it’s just how she is.
I told him if she keeps it up she will be told to shut up, maybe or maybe not in a nicer way. He just shrugged.
I hit this limit on Friday when SIL saw me out with the kids and my dad and FIL (the three of us grocery shop together some Fridays). She brought it up out of nowhere because she saw the bag I keep the lunch boxes in.
She didn’t even see them eat anything but needed to say something. She told me I should practice better eating habits and I told her she should practice keeping her opinions to herself because she doesn’t get a say in how my kids eat and she doesn’t get to open her big mouth about it every time she sees me now.
She stormed off outraged and there have been multiple texts from her and my brother since. He’s mostly just telling me what she’s saying but she is big mad.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is feeling defensive and frustrated due to constant criticism from their sister-in-law (SIL) regarding their non-traditional role as a stay-at-home father and their specific child-rearing choices, particularly feeding schedules. The central conflict lies between the OP’s established, collaborative parenting decisions with their wife and the SIL’s rigid, traditional expectations, which the OP met with a harsh confrontation when the criticism escalated.
Given the clear boundary violation by the SIL, was the OP justified in telling her to keep her opinions to herself, or did this reaction escalate the conflict unnecessarily? Should the OP rely on their brother to manage his wife’s behavior, or is direct confrontation the only effective way to enforce personal boundaries with family members?
Here’s how people reacted:
I am overweight and have dealt with it throughout adulthood. Growing up I was raised by a single Dad and in the 80s and 90s we just didn’t know as much as we do now about how to eat healthy.
When I was in my early 30s I hired a personal trainer. He was wonderful. He taught me how to exercise, how to eat, and he helped me lose over 100 lbs. As long as I followed what he told me, the pounds melted off and I had never been healthier.
He is a natural bodybuilder (does not do steroids) and he taught me how to eat like bodybuilders eat.
4-6 small meals a day (I had a hard time reaching the 6, so I usually got in 4-5)
No more than 4 hours without a small meal/snack
Eat a protein with a carb (for snacks for example ~ I’d have a small apple with just a little bit of peanut butter. I don’t love peanut butter but having it on an apple slice it tastes like caramel to me. So good. No carbs without protein. So the protein slows down the carb when it breaks down into your blood, it keeps carbs from breaking down too quickly into sugar.
He didn’t deprive me of anything, just had me do a balanced meal of protein 35% carbs 35% and fat 30% or close to that.
He would just have me make my food as much as I could so I knew what I was putting in and not adding so much sugar and sodium and fat that’s in processed foods.
So the way you are feeding your kids is VERY healthy and really perfect for their little stomachs. It’s nuts when I see parents giving their kids adult size portions and expecting them to clean their plate. I hope you keep doing what you’re doing and that it does for them what it did for me, giving great weight control.
Good luck with your family! She is way too focused on thinking her way is the right way.
“Thank God I asked before I took your well-meaning advice!!! Please please make an appointment with a nutritionist and maybe think about talking with a child psychologist to see if there are ways to undo the harm you’ve done. I know you didn’t mean to, but it would be tragic if your kids developed eating disorders because of your rigidity and outdated, medically-backwards ideas. I’m sure you meant well.”
Rinse. Repeat. Be cloying in your condescension. Or, in the alternative, feel free to tell her to shut up and call her names (not being sarcastic here) if that will close this down. Her behavior is unacceptable. I don’t care if “this is just how she is.” Offensive and interfering are not qualities or behaviors one accepts, or that get to sneak by without comment.
NTA
OP, my hat’s off to you! That was a very diplomatic way of telling her to STFU. She might be interested to learn that my Catholic grade school in the 1970’s had us start at 8:15, lunch/snack time was at 11:30 (for 25 minutes) and school was out at 2:00 PM. What did every family do right before and right after school? They fed their kids. Let’s map out the timeline, shall we?
* 7:30 – breakfast
* 11:30 – lunch/snack
* 2:30 – snack
* 6:00 – dinner
If the Catholic Church (not exactly a progressive institution) could get behind several small meals a day 50 years ago, so can your SIL. Alternatively, she can STFU.
You: NTA
SIL: Big-time AH
PS: My dad, a freelance artist, stayed home with my brother and me while my mom worked. 50 years ago.
PPS: When we went on excursions, he always brought snacks. My mom did the same.
I have a career because my disabled husband was the SAH dad to our Oops daughter.
Some background: We’re LDS. In our culture for the past couple of centuries, Moms were the SAH parents and Dads had the careers. There’s even a Church policy called The Family: A Proclamation to the World which talks about how in an ideal environment women are caregivers and men are providers. That’s where a lot of people stop reading.
It goes on to say that sometimes that’s either not possible or the best situation for any particular family but it’s all acceptable.
When I got pregnant (SURPRISE!), we decided that I’d continue working and he’d be the one to primarily raise our kid
The looks of disdain were hurtful but worse were the actual admonitions we got from a few bold Brothers and Sisters who thought their interpretation was gospel.
Our daughter turned out great, better than if I’d been the SAH parent.
You be you and don’t let your SIL give you grief!
Constant grazing is normal for 18 months old. If you haven’t already, I’d definitely nudge the eating (snacks and all) to a similar schedule as the school. And maybe pack extra nibbles if/when you’re doing pickup.
And don’t be worried if as older kids one or both start hating breakfast. My bro couldn’t stomach it in the morning with all the running around getting ready. So he ate snack, lunch, SNACKS, and dinner, and sometimes some more snacks. He was fine, I think he still does it at work tbh. I bring a million snacks to work with me personally.
However, while you are free to feed your children however and whatever and whenever you want, I want to share some info that you (and anyone here) can do with as you like:
Everytime we eat protein or carbohydrates, the body release insulin into the blood stream. This is normal, healthy, etc. However, with frequent meals, there is never a chance for insulin levels to lower again, which can lead to chronically high insulin. This can lead to metabolic disorders, PCOS in girls/women, acne, obesity, etc. There is some wisdom in letting the stomach sit empty for long enough to allow insulin levels to drop.
Well I too believe 3 meals a day is a must, but people have their own opinion. At least you and your wife have not neglected your kids or given a little food that makes malnutrition to your own kids. And I don’t see anything wrong with the way you and your wife take care of your kids’meals.
Be bold and say to her face your kids are as healthy as ever, nothing’s wrong with the way you and your wife fed them. And it’s not her play to say anything about it. If there is someone who can give you advice about how you fed your kids, it’s just the doctor. The one who professionally learns about kids nutrition.
People who continually broadcast their opinions when they are clearly unwelcome should expect to be smacked down, sooner or later.
FWIW, it is more common for schools to allow for snacks than not,mat least where I live, in Italy. School lunch isn’t common, because the kids start around 8 and leave around 2, so they have two quick snack times, and then eat lunch when they get home.
NTA
Ignore her or tell both her and brother that her lack of respect for others is the problem and that whilst you have listened to her views you have your own opinions and her inability to accept others requires therapy.
Next time SIL has an opinion just kill her with kindness.
“Thanks. Have a good day.” Or, more appropriately, “Have the day you deserve.”
NTA
Kids are fed? Check
Kids are happy? Check
Fuck everyone else! 👍😁
Though your SIL most certainly is.
Would she have done this, if it had been your wife as the main caregiver? She has five children of her own. I think she has to be plenty busy with them, instead of being a busy body. Sheesh.
1) Do what works for you (My kids eat 3 meals with two snacks in between, similar to the 2-3hr feeding)
2) Sheʻs dead wrong on thatʻs how itʻs been done for centuries; and
3) Love the idea of Friday shopping with dad and FIL
https://www.fridaysocks.com/blogs/news/the-history-of-bacon-and-eggs
Studies also show don’t start nothin, won’t be nothin.
OP’s brother shouldn’t be relaying her mean words either, completely unnecessary.