The OP maintained a strained relationship with her mother and actively rejected the role of the affair partner’s husband as a father figure, feeling insulted by his attempts to step in. Years later, following the death of her father, the OP excluded her mother and her husband from the funeral, leading to further conflict, which now continues as she prepares for her wedding.
My parents divorced when I (27f) was 10 because my mom had an affair. How do I know? Because her affair partner turned husband was also married and his wife at the time showed up at our house after the affair came out both sides and yelled it all over the place.
She had to be removed by the cops and she showed up a few more times over the next two years. My mom blamed my dad for me finding out until I was 14 and I told her I wasn’t deaf and could hear that woman outside our house and I wasn’t too young to understand what it meant.
My relationship with mom was strained by her affair and I don’t give a fuck about her husband. He never had kids and tried to play the dad role but I shut him out and put him in his place whenever he tried, by reminding him I have a dad and he doesn’t get to take me from dad like he took mom.
And yes I know nobody can take another person. It was my mom’s choice and her fault too. But still. It felt extra insulting to try and play parent when he helped destroy my family and dad’s marriage to mom.
My dad died when I was 19. It was a very tense time in my relationship with mom because I didn’t tell her. She found out after dad’s funeral. A part of me was glad because I did not want her to come to the funeral and I certainly didn’t want her there with her husband.
My mom was hurt and acted like I owed it to her to let them come, so they could be there for me. I told her their support was not wanted right then. Especially not for losing dad.
Even still she believed that her husband would become the father figure I no longer had with dad gone. And they both expected he would be given father of the bride honors at my wedding.
Instead I asked my grandpa and mom blew a fuse when she found out. She asked me what the hell I was thinking and her husband has been there, raising me, since I was 10 and he is more to me than just some random guy.
I told her she was partly right and he’s just the guy she cheated on my dad with. Nothing more.
My mom said it was a childish and vindictive way to describe him and that I need to get the fuck over it and appreciate how hard he tried with me. She said it’s like I’m trying to punish them for the affair when it was nothing to do with me.
I told her this isn’t a punishment, this is consequences. And she has to live with them. Same way he does.
She’s still going crazy about me saying that and I don’t feel bad but question if maybe I was a bit of an AH for telling her that. Maybe? AITA?
Conclusion
The OP currently stands firm in her decision regarding who will stand in for her father at her wedding, viewing this choice as a necessary consequence of her mother’s past actions and the resulting disruption to her family structure.
The central debate is whether the OP is being excessively vindictive by using her wedding role to define the affair partner’s relationship to her, or if she is justified in enforcing boundaries based on the historical trauma inflicted upon her and her late father.
Here’s how people reacted:
Let’s get that out the way first, baby.
What you are is the only one here telling the truth while the grown-ass adults around you been playing pretend and rewriting history like you ain’t got memory or feelings. You were 10, not stupid. You were 14 when you put the pieces together, and now at 27, your mother still got the audacity to act like she’s the victim in a mess she created.
Let’s be very fucking for real:
Her husband is exactly what you called him. He’s not your “bonus dad.” He’s not your “second father.” He’s not even a step up. He’s the man she blew your family up for. And no amount of years, fake smiles, or forced dinners can change the way he entered your life: through betrayal.
She’s mad because you named it. You ain’t cussed her out. You didn’t throw hands. You didn’t set fire to her house. You said the truth out loud and it wrecked her fantasy. She wanted her affair to turn into a Hallmark movie where y’all just smile and pretend none of it happened. And when you didn’t fall in line, you became the enemy in a story where she never wanted to be the villain.
And let’s talk about that entitlement.
She expected you to have this magical, soft spot for the man who helped shatter your world. Expected you to heal her through your grief. Expected you to make space for him to step into your father’s shoes like that’s just something you replace like tires. And then she has the nerve to be mad that you made a decision about your wedding your day, your grief, your boundaries.
Let me say this clear for the people in the back:
✨ You do not owe your mother comfort in your grief. You do not owe her husband a damn thing. ✨
Your dad was your dad. You didn’t lose a placeholder. You lost a parent. The man who didn’t try to replace him doesn’t get father-of-the-bride honors just because he’s been standing in the background for 17 years. Support ain’t proximity. Love ain’t forced. And forgiveness ain’t owed.
To her calling it “childish” and “vindictive?”
Baby, that sounds like projection. She wants you to get over it, but she’s never owned it. You do get to feel this way. You get to set boundaries. You get to call it what it is. And her discomfort with that is her business, not your burden.
Also? Let me say it louder:
🚨 This ain’t punishment. This is consequence.
She got to choose her actions. She don’t get to choose how they affected you. And what’s wild is, she should be grateful you ain’t said worse.
I’m proud of you for standing ten toes down in your truth. And baby? If you feel like calling him “the man my mama cheated with” every time he breathes near you do it. You’re not the villain here. You’re the one left picking up the pieces of a broken home and still trying to move through the world with integrity.
You don’t owe them healing.
You don’t owe them comfort.
You owe yourself peace.
And that peace starts with honoring your truth. 💯
Always with love,
Your internet auntie ❤️🖤🔥
#TeamDad #SayItWithYourChest
At the end of the day, you had to live with the choices and the chaos that your mom and her partner made. They caused you (and your dad, I’m sure) immeasurable pain, and they can ask for forgiveness, but they can’t expect it. Telling someone to “GTF over it” kinda works the same way as telling someone to “calm down” – it has the opposite effect.
My father was also cheated on by his first wife, who is still married to the man she cheated with and has a daughter with him and they seem happy.
Your mother probably feels horrible for what she did, I know my mom does. I’m not really sure what my point is here. Just that what they did was all types of fucked up. I know from my fucked up sins that I don’t need someone constantly telling me what I did because I think about my shit all the time. I feel like shit and try to forgive myself, but I know deep down I will never be the same from my actions. My mom won’t. My dad won’t. But forgiveness can be peace. Living with anger towards your mother is fair, but throwing it in her face all the time is rough. You absolutely don’t owe your stepfather to walk you down the aisle at all. I would try to step out of your anger for yourself. Try to forgive your mother, even after all the shit she caused? She did what she did, she’s a cheater. She broke your home and her marriage. But I think everyone (except a select few ofc) should have a chance for some type of forgiveness.
I watched my parents fight for a decade before I finally turned 17 and moved out. I was thrilled when they both ran off with other people in my 20’s. They are both happier today and still speak occasionally. Even though it was a hurtful time for everyone involved, they realized they were not happy and just went about finding happiness the wrong way.
I went through something similar—my dad had an affair with his friend and later married her. It traumatized me to the point where I had panic attacks. I still see her as the woman my dad cheated on my mom with, as the one who wrecked my family. And even after all these years, even though it’s his life, I’m still not okay with it. So I truly feel for you.
I also believe people need to face the consequences of their actions and shouldn’t just expect unconditional love and forgiveness like your mom does.
NTA
You said it loud and clear. You don’t see him as a father-figure, any resentment towards him for his hand in breaking up your family is 100% justified.
My own theory: I suspect your mom is continuing to push this ‘happy mixed family’ BS image to placate her own guilt. I’d go LC if she can’t take the hint.
In the movie version of this, you do learn that relationships are complicated, you don’t know the full story of the cheating, your moms husband is actually a decent guy, and you’ve been prickly because you’ve never moved on from the past, when you really need to.
That may be too harsh though.
if your able to or want to move away, block her from all of your social media and phone, you might need a new one if she keeps harassing you along with getting a restraining order
You are 27 and still angry about how your parent’s marriage ended 17 years ago. I suggest you see a therapist for your own benefit.
Keep those boundaries strong.
Nta
This loyalty you have for your dad is beautiful! He must have been a great dad. I’m sorry for your loss.
If it isn’t then NTA.
If it is then YTA.
Saying it,,, maybe ah