Her boyfriend asked her to subtly present herself as Japanese to his male friends, even though she normally avoids specifying her Chinese background to people. When she refused to pretend to be Japanese, her boyfriend still wanted her to attend, but now seemed unhappy about it, leading the user to question if her stance makes her the asshole.
I (23f) am a Chinese woman living in America. My boyfriend (23m) is American and white. I am somewhat aware of a weird thing for Asian women some white American guys have. But most of my boyfriend’s exes are African-American so I thought I was in the clear.
He’s going to attend a event that includes many friends from high school. He told me he wants his friends to think I’m Japanese. He said I don’t have to outright say it, I can just do something subtle to give them that impression.
One person who will be there is an ex-girlfriend (24f) of his. She’s African-American. He promises that his ex has nothing to do with him wanting people to think I’m Japanese. He said it’s for his male friends.
Even though it’s people he rarely sees so this maybe a one time thing, I told him I wouldn’t pretend to be Japanese. Unless it’s required, I avoid telling people I’m Chinese. I feel people put much stock into where people are born and I want people to get to know me for me.
My boyfriend still wants to go with me but now he seems like he’s dreading it.
Conclusion
The user is facing a conflict between her desire to be known for who she is, rather than her national origin, and her boyfriend’s explicit request for her to misrepresent her identity to his friends for reasons he attributed to their perception.
Is the user justified in refusing to participate in a misrepresentation of her ethnicity to her boyfriend’s friends, or should she have agreed to this potentially one-time request to support him?
Here’s how people reacted:
Do you feel like there might be other examples of him lacking consideration for your feelings, or fetishizing you? Does he otherwise try to impose such requests on you, to affect traits in order to put on a show for others? Is he obsessive about your appearance or physique or diet? It just would surprise me if this was an isolated thing.
Wow, just wow. I thought I saw some crazy yellow fevered white men, but this takes the cake. Your bf has obviously fetishize you as a submissive to him friends. He is disgusting even for asking you to pretend to be something other than who you are. Break up with him. He doesn’t respect you and doesn’t see you as human. You’re his bang doll. His Japanese little girl submission Fetish. Why else would he have pretended to his male friends that you were Japanese? How degrading to even ask you such a thing. Even to open his mouth to say this to you is degrading.
Your parents didn’t raise you to be his sex doll. Your parents sacrificed and raised you in their own vision of greatness 💯. Don’t whitewash yourself to be with him. You’re going to lose all sense of self. Love yourself more than you love him.
Whether if fetishizes Japanese women or exotic women, it really doesn’t matter. He wants you to pretend to be something else. That is fucked up. How dare he. He needs to tell you exactly why and you also need to ask him why is he all of a sudden dreading this. I think one of the commenters above is correct that he already told them. However, there’s something going on here. I would get all the answers you need and then think about leaving. I would never be able to stay with someone who did that to me. I am so proud of all of my cultures since I’m not just one. I love other cultures, especially Asian culture. I think it’s very rich in quality, in history, etc.. it’s just an ultimate disrespectful act.
Secondly. Your boyfriend is a tool. NTA. Tell him to f off.
It’s one thing to have a preference. It’s another to fetishize it. It is a whole level of wrong to ask you to pretend to be a different nationality altogether for high fives.
Does he have conservative views? A lot of conservatives detest the Chinese now, specifically, and we all know why. I would assume that he either aligns with MAGA and/or has friends from HS who do.
I’d be tempted to begin a search for a new boyfriend. This one’s bubble sounds a bit off center.
KEEP AWAY FROM THE WHITE MEN WITH YELLOW FEVER.
NTA