As the family prepares to embark on a new chapter, the grandmother faces a painful reality: the youngest child is shielded and cherished, while the older ones are left behind, a decision justified by convenience yet steeped in emotional complexity. This moment lays bare the fragile dynamics of family loyalty, love, and the silent ache of those left on the periphery.
My son and DIL have 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy. The girls are 3 and almost 1 and her son is 4. I’ve always believed she favors the youngest. With the older two, she was going back to work at 12 weeks, had them in daycare all day every day, didn’t breastfeed, and just seemed disinterested in becoming a parent.
It’s night and day with this baby though. She quit her job so the baby wouldn’t be in daycare, she’s into attachment parenting, refused to even try formula for this one, and refuses to go anywhere without her.
They’re going to move for my son’s job and are taking the weekend to look at houses and explore the area. My DIL asked if I could take the older two and when I asked about the baby, she said the baby would be coming with them.
I asked why she was taking the one kid and not the older two and she said it would be so much easier. She doesn’t have to worry about the kids running around the stages houses, getting bored after touring 5 houses, getting tired, etc.
and that the baby will happily stay in the carrier or in her stroller. She also mentioned that the baby has never been away from her and she doesn’t want to put her through 2 nights away from mom yet.
She also wants to take the baby out and she thinks it’ll be easier to check out the kid places with only one kid.
I refused. I told her that I think it’s favoritism to take one kid on vacation and leave the others at home, especially when she already has a history of treating her better than the other kids.
The other kids would love to go on this trip and they won’t understand why their mom left them but brought their sister.
She says I have no right to criticize her parenting and that she does not have a favorite. I refused to budge and told her I’d take all of them or none. She has a friend watching the older two now and told her that I am not allowed to see the kids this weekend because she thinks I’ll talk about her to the kids and cause problems between her and the kids.
My son thinks she’s overreacting but he also thinks I shouldn’t have said anything because I know she had ppd with the first 2 and she feels guilty about not being a good mom to the first 2.
AITA for telling her she’s favoring the baby and refusing to watch the older two so she could take the baby on a vacation?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) clearly believes their daughter-in-law (DIL) is showing clear favoritism toward the youngest child, based on observed differences in care and attention across the three children. The central conflict arises when the OP confronted this perceived favoritism directly during a house-hunting trip request, leading to the DIL banning the OP from seeing any of the grandchildren that weekend.
Did the OP’s strong reaction, based on historical observations of parental behavior, justify sacrificing time with all three grandchildren to challenge the DIL’s current parenting choice, or did this intervention overstep necessary boundaries regarding how the DIL chooses to manage her children during necessary travel?
Here’s how people reacted:
And your logic of “all or none” is ridiculous as well. If the 1-year-old is nursing and not used to being fed by others, the last thing anyone needs is ANYONE else trying to feed her when mom is not within easy distance, NOT on vacation, but trying to find a new place to live. And the baby absolutely IS easier (and safer) to deal with when touring random houses that may not be appropriately toddler-proofed.
As for the rest, unless you are their financial manager, you are not privy to any financial details that may impact her decision (or even ability) to stay home, and unless you are their doctor, you are not privy to all medical factors in her decisions with the first 2.
And if you keep this attitude up, you won’t be privy to ANY details regarding your son’s family, because they will have gone low or no contact with you.
Finally, you admit that she had PPD with the first two. PPD is horrendous, and can mess a person up so very badly. You know what isn’t going to help? You holding that over her head and pretending she’s favouriting the youngest just because she’s finally feeling better and hasn’t experienced it this time around?? You should be thankful she isn’t experiencing it again. They’re about to make a big move, they need a good support system not someone she has to worry is going to lie to her children about her having favourites. Mental health isn’t favouritism. Cut her some slack, she’s trying her best.
What did your refusal and tirade accomplish? Well, you aren’t allowed to see your grandkids, you missed out on time with the older two and since they are moving I doubt they will be making a lot of special trips in the future to see you.
Also, doing something different with the newest baby versus the older two is not showing favoritism or treating the baby better. DIL realized she would rather be at home or that childcare would be too expensive for three kids. She struggled to breastfeed the older two for whatever reason and finds the third easier. Given how judgmental you are I find it unlikely that they will continue a relationship with you.
It’s a lot easier to hold a small child/baby while looking at homes plus traveling than dealing with two TODDLERS plus a baby.
You certainly aren’t obligated to watch any of your grandchildren, but your reasoning sounds a little ridiculous. Honestly, it sounds like you just don’t like your DIL. You’re just using this as another opportunity to criticize her.
So she’s made different parenting choices with her third child? That’s pretty normal, as you learn what works best for you after the first one or two.
Sounds like you should start getting ready to not see ANY of your grandchildren very often anymore.
She actually seemed rather kind wanting to take the baby and not foist 3 kids on you to watch. The baby takes the most care. If she was a crap mother, she’d give you all of them so she could have a vacation.
You do seem overly critical and judgemental and honestly the way you wrote this just makes you look mean.
Hopefully you’ll see the error of your ways and give her a sincere apology. I’d hate to see them cut you off, which will be easier if they move further away. Unless of course, this is what you wanted to happen, which is why you’re acting this way.
I
You chose to judge your DIL, but I didn’t see you mention your son’s decisions on this once. You’re very quick to blame this all on her and that is concerning.
Firstly it’s not a “vacation” they’re going to look at houses for their move.
Secondly parents with multiple children evolve and learn as parents and nothing you’ve posted indicates favoritism, but learning from past experience.
Finally all of her points are valid. you don’t want young children running around staged houses, where an infant is a lot easier to control in those situations.
Frankly you sound bitter, or perhaps you just don’t like your DIL and are looking for any excuse to make her to be the bad guy
In your opinion, the baby is the favored child. You could choose to look at it that she now has the means to take care of her baby the way she didn’t get to do with the older two. You could be happy for her despite your concerns.
She needs your help with your grandchildren. You are making an irrevocable choice to deny her help at this crucial time.
I’m waiting for the vacation part.
Looking at houses all weekend and taking a couple little side trips to a park or zoo isn’t a vacation. I took my 3 yr old camper shopping once. I can’t imagine taking 3 kids under the age of 5, house shopping.
I wonder why they are moving?
Also, your son is giving in to this – so he is part of the problem. He is also choosing to leave his elder 2 kids behind.
It’s not a vacation. Househunting with a baby is not going to be a walk in the park. House hunting with three would be a nightmare. Are you obtuse on purpose?… Is it deliberate?
Everyone goes or no one goes. I had 3 under the age of 5. It was rough sometimes, but you suck it up and do it. The kids will know who is the favorite. They’re always smarter than they get credit for.
> she said it would be so much easier.
Yes, and one kid is easier than two. And two are easier than three. Yet this is how many you chose to have.
PPD is awful. You’re a bitter old bat.
You’ve just torpedoed your relationship with your son, DIL and grandkids in order to make some weird point.
Her logic makes sense. If they’re looking at houses the youngest is likely to be the least inconvenient. Doesn’t sound like favoritism to me.
(Not-)respectfully, fuck off.