Who or what are you raging at/about? In general, this would be a N A H situation. The mom asked and offered a very generous offer to help move things. Your spouse to be is of course very conflicted because they are a sentimental person and I’m sure they want their sister there celebrating with you all

Yes. The situation is so unfair and awful. But I’d treat lightly on towards whom your rage is directed at. No one did anything wrong. It’s just life sucks sometimes.

The discussion to have with your spouse to be how can you still have a beautiful day celebrating your love together and perhaps move the bigger stuff to a year later? This is a huge and recent loss so how does it impact not just his sister and parents but extended family too?

How can YOU be a good and supportive partner and help guide him to an answer that he can feel good about later? This is one of those times YOU need to carry the emotional labor. Prioritize what is important. You have a lot of options on how to approach this. Some will feel better to him emotionally. At the end of the day, your wedding is really only about you two.

Good luck. Time for you to be the rock holding the family you are building up in a positive way. The fact that you seem to be blaming his family for even considering suggesting this shows your rage is aimed at them. Ask your spouse to be if he had considered wanting to change it or delay it himself. Even before his mom suggested it. He probably did if he’s as sentimental as you say he is.

You have to make sure YOU don’t make him feel guilty if he does want to change things. You talk about him feeling guilty if he proceeds with the wedding. And he’ll feel guilty because it hurts you too if he wants to wait.

Do you want a wedding or a marriage? Could the wedding be a nice way to celebrate love? Sure. But it will be only two months since the sisters husbands passing. And if your husband to be really wants her there….

Do you need to reschedule? No. Should you? I don’t know. Talk to your husband to be. HEAR what he really thinks and feels about proceeding as planned. Maybe the date to get married is a lot less important to him than his sister.

NTA. Everyone gets one life in this world. You, your fiance, his sister, his sister’s deceased husband, everyone in his family. They don’t get yours too.

That said, your fiance and his family are hurting. You are not because you didn’t love your brother-in-law. That’s nothing against you. It’s just fact.

But there is no reason for you and your fiance to put your life together on hold for the sake of grief. No, it wouldn’t be right to have a large wedding. No one on his side of the family feels like celebrating, probably not even he does. This is also nothing against you. It’s just fact.

The issue is the big wedding. That’s the problem. It’s not your getting married. It’s the huge ceremony that nobody can bear attending right now. Try not to take it personally, if it was someone else’s wedding they wouldn’t be able to bear going to it either.

So ditch the big ceremony, make it easy on your husband’s side of the family, and get your money back. It sounds like it’s a small price for them to pay in their grief.

Take your fiance and get married in a quiet civil ceremony. Have witnesses from just your side of the family. Take as much pressure off of him and his family as you can. This way, you don’t put your life together on hold because someone else’s life together has ended.

Again, it’s not your getting married that is the issue. It is having a big celebration when half of the party is hurting too much to celebrate anything.

I don’t think this should have been asked of you. If you have 100 guests you are very likely going to have 10 have dealt with something serious in the two months prior to the day. Sometimes it means they can’t come, sometimes they can. I am NOT diminishing what SIL is going through. If you reschedule and a parent passes away two months before (God forbid) would you move again? How about a sibling being diagnosed with a serious illness? Life will continue to happen all around you, and a marriage is about the commitment of two people supporting each other through both the tough and good times. 

I think you have two good options: 

1) Proceed with the wedding as originally planned, but let your family know that if this has shown you anything it is life it to short and you want to celebrate and publicly declare your love. You never know what tomorrow will bring, but you know you want to be in tomorrow as a married couple. With the blessing of your SIL, suggest taking a moment during the reception to honour her and her late husbands love. Or,
2) you elope, or have a small civil ceremony, delaying the reception only for 2-3 months (costs to be covered by PIL). If you are considering this option, you should also consider any guests who have already booked travel, accommodation and leave from work to be there on the original date. 

All the best with your life together. 

Honestly this is not a situation that is going to be easily resolved. There’s no way his sister is going to be able to cope with a wedding in a month or maybe years. We lost my Dad very unexpectedly nearly 2 years ago & my Mum doesn’t think she’ll ever do a lot of things again. We’ve had a couple of family weddings since, back in her father’s home town in Ireland & she’s been invited out of courtesy with no expectation that she has to attend. They were married 39 years. I think you need to sit down with your fiancé & his parents & seriously talk about it, openly & honestly. He might want her to attend but she simply might not ever be able. He’s probably going to have to set his expectations that you either go ahead as planned without her or completely change the plans. I totally get your disappointment but this is what marriage & family is about, getting through the awful, tragic times together. He might not also feel he can enjoy a big celebration at such a terrible time. Whatever you decide to do, maybe think of a little way to honour your brother-in-law? It might bring some small comfort to the family, like a chair left out, a prayer of you’re having a religious ceremony, a mention of those that can’t be there during the speeches?

I think NAH at this point. The sister hasn’t asked you to cancel, just that her own emotional state won’t allow her to attend (or she would attend but be a black cloud). Her mother is trying to find ways to please everybody, and you’re also very much not in the wrong to find this an unreasonable ask.

The issue here for me is how long? Like, if you do postpone, despite the sister not asking you to, rebook for say six months down the line, there’s no guarantee that the sister will be able to attend then. It seems like this could really backfire as she would feel immensely pressured to attend because all this was done so she could, her parents would be out a lot of money, and you’d be at least mildly resentful even if she did attend. And what if in six months she’s not “OK”?

I think talk to the sister directly, because it seems like the communication is from the mother. State calmly what her mother has asked, and how she feels about it, and how you’re not sure what to do. It’s possible that she could still do a video call with her brother on the day but is not up to an entire ceremony and reception, or maybe she could even attend one and not the other. Talk to her.

Not exactly the same, but my sister’s fiance died tragically a few months ago. I was in the middle of starting up dating apps again and postponed that to be there for her. Everyone rallied and it was actually really awesome how (almost) everyone stepped up for her. 

After a bit when I felt okay I downloaded the apps and met someone pretty quickly. I didn’t hesitate a second to tell my sister and she was so happy for me. She even crafted some of the first messages I sent to him. Now we’re official (yay me!) and my sister is healing in her own way more distanced from me. 

All this to say that I get how your SIL is feeling but I don’t think your life and previous plans should be restructured for her. She’ll be okay. She may not want to attend the wedding, but if she doesn’t she’ll wish she had. And if she does she’ll probably get really sad while she’s there, but she’ll look back and be glad she attended. 

Your life does not have to be put on hold any more than it has been. It was okay that they asked you and it’s okay that you refuse to oblige. Grief is hard and she’ll never truly be “okay”, none of the family probably will, but that’s just how it is. 

I don’t think anyone is an asshole in this situation. Everyone’s feelings are valid, and I get how everything has affected the situation.

My opinion, with zero judgement, is to have a sit down with your fiancé, and plan for an elopement on your anniversary. If you both agree, go to your in-laws, and explain the game plan, with the acknowledgment that you would like to have a bigger celebration of your union at a time that is more appropriate for the one’s grieving.

It’s not an end all, be all.. It’s just adjusting to what the universe has thrown at you. You can be empathetic and support a loved one grieving, while still finding a way to make things work.

I love where your heart is, but it’s a tad misplaced; talk to your fiancé and reassure them that you are there no matter what, and this is just a way to grow closer as a couple. I know it’s tough, but this will only make your marriage stronger.

I was widowed young and it ruined my life for years after. I have no recollection of the first few months after. If my sibling was getting married a month later, I would not have gone. Had I gone, I would’ve likely melted down and ruined it. I went to a friend’s wedding about 2 years after and had a panic attack while dancing w/ the bride.

Missing doing it on your 10-year anniversary is really nothing compared to what she has lost. I don’t think anyone is an AH here, it’s an impossible situation. If it were me though, I would do a small private ceremony if you want on that date and hold off on the big wedding for a while. I really think you’ll regret having the big ceremony knowing she’s basically in deep mourning by herself while everyone tries to pretend the giant elephant in the room isn’t there.

Lastly, anyone expecting her to attend is definitely the AH.

YTA: Your reaction of ‘fucking raging’ is a bit bizarre.

MIL is trying to provide an option to postpone and she will bear the costs. She’s not demanding but asking to consider it. You aren’t in the family yet. Their daughter is grieving. Their son is grieving. They lost their SIL, BIL and life partner only a month ago. The family is in shock. You can insist on going through with the wedding but it will all be just a blur for them and not a celebrating.

Have a small wedding ceremony with a few close family. And postpone the reception. You can still walk down the aisle and renew your vows and have an enjoyable celebration later when everyone is able to focus on the future.

Your anger is completely misplaced. Talk to a therapist and not your husband. If he sees and feels your anger it could turn him off marrying you.

Practically speaking, it might be a helluva long time before SIL will be ready to attend the wedding. Maybe it could be a year from now. It could also be years or even never. For the sister’s sake, it does not seem prudent to postpone the wedding for her.

I do wonder about the rest of the family though. Is MIL and FIL ready to attend a wedding in a month? That seems really soon. And what about SIL’s in laws? They probably are not ready if they are invited either. Heck. Even op’s partner may not be ready in just a month.

It might also be the case that some of the family is not going to get over the death. If that’s the case, it might make sense to go forward on schedule. Just be understanding if people can’t show up, or aren’t joyful at the wedding. Sometimes you just got to live your life.

Removing emotion how easy would it be to rearrange anyway. I’m thinking family Travelling in? Older relatives who also might not make it to a future wedding?

If the date is very important it’s important to him and always will be it’s very unfortunate timing for this tragedy to of stuck.

Also widowed last month so February wedding next month so April. How long is everyone expected to not hold a wedding the sister might be invited too. Her grief is going to be big for a long time. Are we talking six months? A year? Can that date never be used as it will be too close. The finer details do need to be ironed out on how long the postponement would have to be.

Yes you could elope if you two genuinely wanted too but that shouldn’t be the only way you can have your day either. Nah

I get that the anniversary date is a big deal, but I would at least take a moment to set personal feelings aside. This is the family that you are going to be marrying into and it sounds like they are doing their best to make up for the inconvenience. Personally I would be uncomfortable holding fast to a schedule when half of the family is still wrestling with a major loss. You have every right to feel the way that you feel, but your fiance and his sibling also have that right. Unfortunately there isn’t really an easy answer here and I hope you guys are able to navigate the situation without any further drama.

How many guests would be traveling and took time off work to do so? That has to be considered. These folks are not getting paid back!

I honestly think shouldn’t stop completely when someone passes. But the deceased’ family and close friends need to mourn. You shouldn’t, and neither should your partners.

But this is about partners sister. She will be mourning a long time.

I would remind my partner about the guests that will have a hard time rescheduling, but ultimately let my partner make that decision. It affects his family most, so he should decide!

YTA for being upset at the request. It’s just a request. It’s a reasonable request if you husband wants his sister there, which it seems like he does.

Your MIL is giving your husband an option. you’re not TA if you both choose to continue with your wedding without her.

If it were me I would move on with my wedding without my sister. There’s no telling how long it’d take for her to be at a place to be there for your fiancé’s wedding. I wouldn’t put my life on hold for her.

Somebody died. They died. And it certainly seems like they were relatively young, and you’re “just fucking raging” because people deep in the throes of grief asked if you could postpone the wedding.

YTA.

If you wake up and realize that here’s my advice: just get married that day at the courthouse and then have the big bash one year later.

Anniversaries are just days on a calendar. It’s not life or death. Maybe show some respect for something that IS life or death.

YTA.

I’m sorry, but this is something when you tell your partner, “I’ll do whatever you want.”

OP tries to frame it as though he’s doing it all for his partner, but offers no information on how his partner feels. I understand that the 10th anniversary is an important date (I was married on the second anniversary of meeting my wife), but his partner needs to decide whether that is important enough to have the ceremony without his sister or with her there in mourning.

NTA

What if you postpone and she still doesn’t come?

She is grieving and will be for a long time. I understand her not wanting to be around extended family rn. But postponing won’t mean she’ll be ready at that time.

The wedding date was picked for a reason.

The world is full of loss but you are all still here and must continue with your lives.

Congratulations OP. I hope your fiance doesn’t carry too much on his shoulders.

NTA – but you need to let go of this anger. What else could his mom do besides ask him his preference? His sister is not ready to attend a family wedding. He wants her there. A choice has to be made.

It’s a horrible situation. The family has experienced a tragic loss. It sounds like they’re rallying together and doing the best they can. I’m sorry this happened.

NTA. Its tragic for your partner’s sister but the planning of a wedding takes so much time, and the date of the wedding is sentimental to both you and your partner. If both you and your partner want to wed next month, talk to his parents in that it is what both of you truly want. If you choose to postpone it, chances are this could hurt you in the long run OP

This sounds like something you should discuss with your partner not random people on the internet. Until you do you don’t actually know how he feels. Whatever you decide together is the right decision for you as a couple. Just understand that there may be consequences with familial relationships depending on the choice you make.

YTA your fiance’s BIL just died that is way more important and his sister needs her brother’s support more than you. You can reschedule things but your SIL can’t bring her husband back. I’m sorry but the fact you have to ask this is mind boggling to me. You are acting spoiled and entitled, stop being so selfish

YTA, you’re angry for the inconvenience of having to reschedule because your partners sister is grieving the loss of her partner and won’t be able to attend??
If reschedule/cancel in a heartbeat. No way I would get married without my sibling or my partners sibling there and with them being in so much pain.

Major question. What does your partner want? If he wants to postpone – do it. If he wants to elope on the day and have a wedding or reception for family later. Do it. If he wants to proceed. Do it. Doesn’t seem like you care either way, so it shouldn’t be just your decision.

Please consider there aren’t just your costs- there’s also the cost for each guest to travel, time taken off of work, hotels/flights/cars- depending on the size of your wedding, the cost to change dates could be significant for each of your guests as well.

Yea YTA. Do you have no empathy/sympathy? While I understand you have a wedding with a lot of expenses. This is a situation where you make the best of it as it wasn’t intentional. Harboring resentment over something like this is WILD.

NTA. The harsh reality is that while she may be stuck in grief, everyone else’s lives keep moving on. Who’s to say then she’ll “recover”. Grief is different for everyone. There is no way to know when she will recover.

Kinda YTA for the anger and blame. Your in-laws asked. They didn’t make any demands, and they offered appropriate compensation for the ask. I don’t have any strong feelings either way about rescheduling

If it is still very important to him to be married on that date, you could always have a small civil ceremony and then later have a big renewal of vows ceremony when the SIL has had time to recover.

NTA. You have no idea what life will bring a few months from now that may make the next date problematic too.

Personally, I know I would regret not getting married on anniversary date in future.

I don’t think YTA for not rescheduling, but it seems like his mom approached this about as diplomatically as possible and offered to cover the costs. Its not really fair to be angry with her.

YTA. Nobody could have predicted BIL’s death (unless he had been dying for a while). Your MIL’s request is reasonable. How can you expect your fiance’s family to feel joy in this situation?

My cousin’s mother died a month before the wedding. Guess what? They didn’t change the date. They had her memoriam seat with her photo in it. Someone carried her photo during the ceremony.

What a hard position to be in, your fucked if you do and fucked if you don’t. All you can do is have your partner speak with his sister and see if she can attend.

NTA. It’s not just your money – other guests will have booked travel and hotels and it’ll annoy a lot of people. Your in-laws are actually being selfish.

There is a possibility that theSIL may take months maybe years if ever to recover especially if her husband died unexpectedly.

Have them refund you and elope/go to the court house. When everything has calmed down you can have a celebration party.

I would consider eloping on that day and having a celebration later if you two still feel up to it.

It’s seems like you’re assuming a lot. Have you talked to your partner?