This is not just a story of a family union; it’s a clash of past and present, where healing battles with hurt, and forgiveness feels impossibly distant. The narrator stands at a crossroads, grappling with the weight of old wounds as they face a future intertwined with the person who once shattered their sense of safety and self. The pain is raw, the stakes painfully personal, and the emotional turmoil impossible to ignore.
Long story short my brother married Gemma 4 years ago. She and I have a history. She was a bully in high school and I was one of her targets. She bullied me until it got to the point my parents changed my school because I was struggling.
I have a history of anxiety disorder as well as depression (that was later diagnosed as major depressive disorder). She made me so unstable and took joy in it. From stuff about how I looked–calling me fat, ugly, disgusting–to mocking how I spoke, because I sometimes struggled to finish sentences or talk without a stutter.
Two years after I left the school she got expelled for bullying other girls, one in particular that it got so bad for an expulsion. And then we ended up in the same school again and she went right back to targeting me.
At the worst she said something unforgivable and disgusting and I ended up finishing high school at home because of it. I also started suffering panic attacks again after it.
So it turns out she had a rough family life and she ended up having a breakdown a couple of years after we both graduated. My brother met her again while she was “working on becoming a better person” and they ended up falling in love.
It hurt me deeply that my brother could fall in love with the person who did what she did to me. He told me she was a different person, that she had changed and grown. He made me listen to an apology from her and then it was suddenly like that should be it and we were now “family”.
It’s not that simple for me. I can understand she had a rough past, see that she does seem to be a better person, but I still hate her for what she did to me. Mostly for what happened that meant I had to leave school and started having panic attacks again.
It’s also hard for me with my brother sometimes. Knowing he believes he can absolve her of what she did to me. Believing that I should treat her like I love her.
My wedding has now become a hot topic because my brother was asked to be a groomsman by my fiance and Gemma has not been asked to do anything. She’s just a regular guest. An unwanted one, admittedly, but one who is there all the same.
My mom and brother asked about Gemma being a bridesmaid but I turned it down. But what really started this is my brother found out my fiance had a couple of friends he would have asked to be groomsmen, but because we needed the numbers even and because I would never ask Gemma, he decided not to (my future BIL blabbed).
Now they are saying I’m an asshole for not including her in some tiny little way and making it seem like she’s not part of the family. My dad told them it was too much to ask of me, and that part of being a better person for Gemma is accepting that she and I will never reach a better place.
So now my dad is in the doghouse too.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant emotional distress because their future sister-in-law, who was a severe high school bully, is now part of the family. The central conflict lies between the OP’s deep-seated trauma from past abuse and the brother’s expectation that the OP must forgive and accept Gemma immediately, especially concerning wedding roles.
Given the severity of the past bullying, which directly impacted the OP’s mental health and education, is the OP obligated to include Gemma in the wedding party, or is maintaining emotional distance and refusing a formal role a necessary act of self-preservation?
Here’s how people reacted:
>Knowing he believes he can absolve her of what she did to me.
I’d kick him out of my life. I just can’t imagine having him in your life is doing anything positive for you at this point.
>My dad told them it was too much to ask of me, and that part of being a better person for Gemma is accepting that she and I will never reach a better place. So now my dad is in the doghouse too.
I don’t understand your mother!!! They had to change your school because of this person and then pull you out of high school because of her AGAIN. I’d tell my mother if she wants to chose her DIL over me she’s welcome not to come. I’d kick brother and SIL out of the wedding period. You’re not losing anything worth value at this point.
I don’t care if this woman apologized or not! I don’t care if she changed! NTA.
It’s great Gemma has turned over a new leaf, but like what your father stated very aptly, that doesn’t mean she deserve your forgiveness or be allowed into your live now she’s your SIL. It seems to escape your mother and brother that this is your wedding, not theirs and they have absolutely zero say in things; only you and fiancé have the decision making authority on how the wedding is going to be done. Tbh, Gemma seems innocent in this entire fiasco and only your mother and brother are being massive entitled assholes. You may want to consider giving both of them the ultimatum, either they accept and respect your decisions or they can sit out entirely. Right now they are clearly trying you not like family
It seems like your brother wants you to behave as if this never happened. This was a major, recurring trauma for you, you’re not going to forget and constantly having her around has to be a major trigger.
Not only would I not have her as a bridesmaid, I wouldn’t have her at the wedding. Since you are, I’d ask her to keep a respectable distance and not approach you. Have your dad run point if needed. He’s the only one who has your back.
Your dad is the best though! She made your teenage life hell and now she is a changed “angel”. Well, one apology doesn’t make up for it in my opinion, current and future actions do. She should just keep her mouth shut and be grateful she was invited. Also, maybe talk to you fiancé and ask him to tell your brother if this is going to be an issue then he can retract his groomsmenship and ask another one of his friends he wanted to in the first place.
An apology is not made to provide closure to the apologist.
INFO: What kind of apology did you get from this Gemma person? What did she say, as detailed as you can remember?
You don’t owe anyone a role in your wedding party. It doesn’t matter the reason or who they are. If you said no, then that’s the end of it. This is about you and your future spouse, not about the whims and wants of others.
Don’t let your family ***bully*** you into letting your former bully have a role in an event that’s not about them.
This is your wedding, and you don’t owe anybody a part in it, “family” or not. If she bullied you and hurt you in your past, you deserve to be allowed to move on from that without a constant reminder. If it were me I wouldn’t even be inviting her to the wedding so you’re a bigger person than I am.
Congrats on the wedding btw!!
Best of luck for a happy wedding day
This woman is none of these, and will likely cause you stress on your most important celebrations even if she is nothing but nice. She doesn’t belong in your wedding.
NTA You and your dad are solid, she’s even invited to the wedding which is more than I’d ever do in a situation like this
Everytime I’m told “you have to forgive” I remind them that Jesus forgives and I am not Jesus.
Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials.
NTA.
No way in hell should you have that bully in your wedding party. No. No .no