Amid laughter and love, the parents navigated a delicate dance of understanding, turning a small misstep into a teaching moment that rippled through their marriage counseling. It was in this tender exchange that the family discovered the power of asking, listening, and truly honoring each other’s feelings.
Recently, my spouse, daughter (5), and I were having dinner together. He took some food off her plate to try a bite and she responded by shaking her finger and saying “You need to ask!” He said “I’m sorry, you’re right, I should ask,” and then a few minutes later, reached over to my place setting and took some of my food without asking.
I didn’t think it was a great example for our daughter considering it happened moments earlier so I said “You didn’t ask. You just did the same thing to [daughter].” He said, “I assumed you were done eating.” and I said “You assumed.
But just ask me.” so he handed it back to me, said “Can I have some of your garlic bread?” and I shared. Very calm, normal exchange.
Because this was a non-issue and I was not upset at the situation, we tried to use it in marriage counseling as an example of how to communicate in certain situations, mainly, when I say something hurt me and my spouse wants to explain how he experienced the event instead of apologizing.
It became an issue when he only wanted to give HIS side of the food story in counseling. Later that day, I asked him calmly again, if he would like to share his side to see if it changes my perspective.
I said “I can’t argue with your experience since we both agree on what happened” – and to my surprise he indicated we did not agree. He told me he took the garlic bread from my place because he “got it for both of us.”
I knew this was nonsense as I order from this restaurant frequently and know how much garlic bread comes with the dish. I got insanely angry, because we argue constantly about how things happen, so I stormed off.
Later, he came to me and said “I’m sorry, I thought the garlic bread was mine and I was wrong.”
So by this point, I’d been told that he got garlic bread for us both, and then that he thought the bread was his. I felt crazy as I usually do when these conversations happen with him, so I thought to check the nanny cam to see what really happened.
He handed me my food saying “and there’s garlic bread on top for you” and then later, when I called him out for taking it from my place, he didn’t say “This bread is mine?” or “I got this to share,” he said “Okay.
Can I have some of your garlic bread?”
I took these clips from our nanny cam and sent them to him, asking why he would lie about something so small and turn it into a massive thing. He immediately got mad and said “I can’t believe you would do something as ridiculous as checking the camera.
You’re so out of line.” and stormed off.
So reddit, am I the asshole/out of line for using our nanny cam to call my spouse out for lying?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced a situation where their spouse repeatedly changed his account of taking food without permission, leading the OP to feel invalidated and forced to check nanny cam footage to confirm the facts. The central conflict lies in the spouse’s apparent pattern of dishonesty, even about minor events, and the OP’s reaction—using secret surveillance to establish truth—which the spouse perceived as a severe breach of trust.
Was the OP justified in using the nanny cam footage to expose their spouse’s lie about a trivial matter, given the history of disagreements over factual accounts, or did this action violate essential marital trust and cross an unacceptable boundary? This question forces a debate between the need for accountability in communication and the right to privacy within a marriage.
Here’s how people reacted:
He even lies in MARRIAGE COUNSELING. Think about how little he must believe in the marriage and the marriage counseling process for him to lie to the counselor. He has no desire to improve or fix the marriage as long as he keeps doing this. He needs individual therapy for sure and you should not put up with this awful behavior, it is very manipulative. This is not a person with good intentions, this is a selfish person.
NTA
So, NTA. if it’s pushing you to a point and you have the ability to show him that’s not how it happened, then do it. He’s mad because he was proven wrong and didn’t realize there was actual footage to do so. Maybe he’ll be more honest or thoughtful about how he presents things in therapy.
You thought one thing happened – he said another thing did – so you went and verified and showed him, “Hey, actually, this is what happened”. Instead of him going, “Huh, I guess you’re right, my bad”
He got really angry and stormed off. A completely normal and not over the top reaction to being shown you are wrong /s
He’s gaslighting you and it sounds like he does it regularly: “we argue **constantly** about how things happen”, and “I felt crazy as I usually do when these conversations happen with him”
You need to talk this incident through in therapy. He’s gaslighting you. Like classic, full-on gaslighting.
A lot of things get labeled “gaslighting” on Reddit. But **this.** Making you question your own memory of what happened? This is textbook gaslighting.
I’m glad y’all are in counseling, but it’s clear he’s not taking it seriously and not trying to improve himself or the relationship.
ETA: He knows and you know this isn’t an isolate incident about the garlic bread but to save face he needs to turn it around on you.
Wow. Your husband sucks.
Your husband has lots of other issues, including narcissistic traits, and stealing food.
NTA