This quiet struggle reveals the fragile balance of identity and belonging within a family. What begins as a simple practice of words becomes a profound challenge to unity, as the family grapples with the pain of exclusion and the yearning for connection.
So we have 3 kids, 17, 15, and 10. I’m only a quarter Japanese but spent ~7 years in Japan when I was a teenager living with my parents there. I’m pretty fluent as my job requires a lot of Japanese as well.
My wife doesn’t speak Japanese at all and only speaks English. A few years ago my oldest and second oldest wanted to learn Japanese in school which she initially encouraged. Recently they’ve gotten to the point where they can understand great but still struggle to have the confidence to speak out loud.
So sometimes at home I’ll practice with them for short periods of time. Like “how was your day, what did you have for lunch, etc.” They’re not advanced enough to hold long deep convos.
This has increasingly bothered my wife because she doesn’t understand and always assume we are talking about her (we’re not, it’s all very basic stuff). It has gotten to the point where she has instituted a house-wide ban on all Japanese because she thinks its exclusionary to her and our youngest and bad for family unity.
Ive tried to calm her fears but I also don’t think having 5-10 minutes of Japanese conversation every day is bad for the whole family. She told me that in the US it’s universally rude to have conversations of any length that not everyone can understand.
However when she’s not around I’ll still speak to my kids in Japanese now and then. Recently our youngest heard us speaking Japanese very briefly in the backyard and told mom. My wife came home that night apoplectic and threatened to cut off our kids tuition if they insist on disrupting our family harmony.
Then we had a massive fight between the two of us where she accused me of betraying her and making her look like the bad guy in front of the kids.
I feel completely torn, on one hand I did go behind her back to speak in Japanese to our kids, but on the other she was giving 0 wiggle room. But I’m not sure if I handled it poorly.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is caught between supporting their children’s language development, which is tied to their personal heritage, and respecting their wife’s strong feelings of exclusion and threat to family unity. The conflict centers on the OP’s use of Japanese for brief practice sessions with their older children versus the wife’s demand for a complete ban on the language in the home.
Was the wife justified in implementing a strict, house-wide ban on Japanese, enforced by threats regarding tuition, because she felt excluded, or was the OP justified in continuing language practice in secret due to the wife offering no flexibility on a shared family goal? Where should the balance lie between cultural heritage/child development and maintaining immediate spousal comfort?
Here’s how people reacted:
Show her this article by a Child Psychologist: [https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/education/article224778775.html](https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/education/article224778775.html)
If this doesn’t sway her, maybe talk to your kids’ teachers or pediatricians.
Edit: Just caught the kids’ ages. That’s even more unacceptable on her part. They SHOULD be learning more than one language and practicing. Would she feel the same way if it was Spanish?. Don’t they take language classes in school? Do they not practice those at home?
Also if she’s not even in the house why does it matter? What are weird totalitarian environment your family lives in. I’d have her seek some therapy to be honest. This is such an extreme reaction that seems to come from some long-festering insecurity.
Your wife’s behaviour is so bizarre that I strongly suggest couples therapy. It sounds like there must be something else going on.
Time for you to have a serious sit down with her, if necessary with a marriage counselor.
First, she should never threaten their education unless you both agree.
Two, rules are set by both parents.
Three, do not diminish a benefit because of your own insecurity.
If you want to make your wife feel better download the google translate app to her phone and download the Japanese plugin. It’s not perfect but maybe it’ll help calm her down some to see ya’ll are talking about mundane things? Sounds like there’s a bigger issue there but I’m not gonna judge that.
Your wife should treat this as an invitation into her children’s lives. Speaking more than one language, especially one like Japanese, will only open doors to your children. I understand that she wants to be included, but she’s excluding herself. Exposing children early and often to other languages and other cultures seems, to me, an amazing way to raise well-rounded people.
If she’s refusing to learn, then she shouldn’t be upset when she can’t understand it.
As long as you don’t do it when your youngest kid and wife are there, there’s nothing exclusionary about it. A housewide ban is ridiculous.
Just teach her japanese… problem solved.