The central conflict involves the annual family beach vacation, where the user consistently ends up paying a disproportionate share of the costs, including covering her brother’s portion from the previous year. When planning the current trip, the user refused to participate unless she was assured she would not have to subsidize her brother again, leading to widespread anger from her mother and brother.
So this happened last week and my phone’s been blowing up ever since. I (34F) have always been the “responsible one” in my family. I have a good job, no kids, I save my money. My younger brother (31M) and his wife (29F) have 3 kids and are constantly broke.
My mom says it’s “just a phase,” but it’s been like this for years.
Every summer we do this family vacation to the beach, usually a rental house that we all split. Except I always end up covering more than my share. Last year, my brother said he couldn’t afford his part until “after the trip,” and surprise surprise, he never paid me back.
I also paid for the groceries, gas, and even his kids’ amusement park tickets because “they didn’t wanna feel left out.” My mom said I was being selfish when I brought it up.
So this year, when the group chat started planning again, I said I’m out. I told them I’m not going, and if they can’t afford the trip without me footing half the bill, maybe they shouldn’t go either.
Now everyone’s pissed. My mom said I’m “punishing the kids” and my brother called me cold-hearted. Even my cousin, who usually stays out of it, said I could at least come and “just not pay for extra stuff.”
I’m tired. I feel like if I go, I’m enabling this. But now I’m wondering if I went too far. AITA for saying no?
Conclusion
The user feels exhausted from consistently covering the financial shortfalls of her brother’s family, believing that attending the trip under the current circumstances would enable their irresponsible spending habits. However, the intense backlash from her family, accusing her of being cold-hearted and punishing the children, has caused her to doubt whether setting this firm boundary was an overreaction.
The core issue is whether the user was justified in refusing to attend the family vacation to protect her finances and stop enabling her brother, or if her refusal constituted unfairly punishing innocent parties like the children. Readers are asked to consider where the line should be drawn between family support and financial self-preservation.
Here’s how people reacted:
Have you expressed frustration in the past to your brother directly? If not, this may be coming out of the blue which is why people are acting surprised. Obviously, you’re NTA, but maybe this could have been handled better? Maybe a personal frank conversation with your brother directly and not over group chat?
Being a sibling or part of a family is never equal. There are always givers and takers. As much as we would all like everything in life to be fair, it never will be. You are obviously tired of your role as the giver and that is perfectly acceptable. I myself am resentful often.
How about you suggest the vacation be every other year? That way your brother has time to save up? Or doing something less expensive that doesn’t involve a rental house, like everyone goes to a sporting event or museum together on a day trip. Or maybe if your brother asks you if you could stop him a few hundred dollars as a gift instead of “forgetting to pay you” or manipulating you into buying stuff for his kids. As an uncle, it should be your choice if you treat your nieces/nephews to something special.
I would also have a serious conversation with your mom. That fact that she is labeling you selfish is odd. And your brother saying you are cold-hearted. It sounds like you have been anything but these things in the past.
Your title is misleading – you aren’t just covering “extra costs”, you have been covering essential costs like groceries and gas and your brother’s share of the rental house. Tell your cousin that.
Calling a woman “cold hearted” is a classic manipulation technique to maneuver her to prove “I’m not cold hearted, see, I’ll fall in with your plan!”
Your mother is the one who went too far by claiming you’re “punishing the kids”. Kids aren’t entitled to beach vacations or amusement park tickets, and not receiving things they’re not entitled to isn’t punishment. They can be given a perfectly fun vacation that their parents are able to pay for, which they’ll enjoy very much. And if the parents can’t pay for any vacation, then aren’t they the ones “punishing the kids”?
As for your mother, you’re her kid, and you’re being exploited by freeloaders. If that doesn’t bother her, it should.
Mute their calls and texts and take a break from them.
BUT I (55F) have been in the same situation for decades. The only way I can spend time with my brother & his family and my parents on vacation is if I basically foot the bill. (My parents were just cheap AHs and were along for the ride.)
I stopped doing it for a while. But I wanted my kids to have fun memories with his kids so my hubby and I decided to budget for trips every few years as gifts. It is was so much easier emotionally for everyone for me to flat out say “I’m paying for all of this. Merry Xmas and happy bday.”
We all have much better vacations together now. My brother still feels guilty but I have told him that I enjoy spending time with his now adultlings.
You are absolutely NTA and absolutely did not go too far. Stick with your no’s!
If you wanna do something nice for the kids, buy them tickets to an amusement park or water park or something fun. Don’t negotiate with your bro, just send the tickets directly to your nieces/nephews in a card:
“I’m sorry I’m not gonna go on a trip with you this year, but here are two tickets to go to Disneyland/Universal/Six Flags/Local water park this summer. Have fun!” Let their grandmother and parents decide how to get them to the park.
Then pick a vacation for you for once.
Best of luck.
don’t yield- tell your mother and cousins that they are all welcome to pay for your brother’s family to go on fancy vacations, but you’ve already done more than your share for years and you’re all done now. They can put up or shut up.
NTA
As for the kids and their disappointment. That’s on your brother. It’s not your problem that he had three kids that he can’t afford.
Ask your parents for $200 to help pay your phone bill.
Lie.
Lie.
Lie.
Don’t ever talk about anything you bought or anywhere you went.
Lie.
You are not responsible for providing vacations for other people. It is the responsibility of your brother and his wife to provide for their children. Time for them to act like adults and stop expecting handouts.
Your mom can take care of her golden child and grandbabies.
Plan a trip of your own and have fun.
NTA
They do the same shit to my spouse. It’s absolutely pathetic.
Don’t go. Let them eat their sh1t..
2) No means no.
3) Ignore.